Automatons vs. MIA

The Mithril Automatons vs. The Alderaan MIA

@ The Grayeyard Astrodome

Paragon Percentage: Neither paragon will enter play.

Coin Toss: MIA win, will receive

Kickoff: Zapp kicks to Mr. Fantastic, who begins to use his ability to attempt an immediate touchdown when he is blocked by Shang Tsung so roughly that he is actually injured immediately and drops the ball. Shang picks the fumble up and activates his own Soul Stealing mimicry to use Mr. Fantastic's ability against him - scoring a return-return touchdown for the Automatons.

First Quarter: The MIA attempt to recover and King Arthur comes in for the injured Mr. Fantastic. Harley and Joker manage a bombplay and score for the MIA but fail in their real goal of injuring Ionioi as they are beefed up thanks to the aid of Iskandar. Iskandar retaliates with a chariot touchdown and an easy conversion. The MIA gain the ball again with Kitana taking over flex duties for the removed-after-bomb Joker while Mr. Miyagi replaces Harley for the same reason. Miyagi's tactical might allows him to utilize Sonic and get around the Automatons defense for another touchdown, but the dreams of that continuing are dashed when the Army of the King injure him during the try attempt. He is replaced by Harry Dresden.

Second Quarter: The Automatons start strong when Shang, though too worn out to use his kink again - allows teammate Kirby to use his kink and thus gain Mr. Fantastic's ability - using it to immediately score. During this same play V manages to injure the Battletoads, who are replaced by Kyle Broflovski - leaving the MIA bench empty. Working with second rate players, the MIA manage to fumble but Kitana forces Ionioi to fumble it back with her kink but it doesn't help. Time runs out during their third down.

Second Half: Harry manages to incapacitate the Army of the King for a play so the MIA can score, but its the last of endzone they'll see. The Automatons make a show of systematically increasing their score against their opponents, but refuse to injure anyone else so they can have more time to do so without the game being called.

Result: MA 76 - AMIA 18

Cyberbrains vs. Grenades

The Chiba Cyberbrains

vs.

The Atlus Rocket Propelled Grenades

@ The Rooftop of Junes

 Paragon Percentage: Sherlock Holmes will enter play for the Grenades

Coin Toss: Cyberbrains win, will receive

Kickoff: Walter kicks to Chris Benoit, who gives it all and makes it the whole field and scores while injuring Sam Winchester, but injures himself in the process.

Entire Game Synopsis: Reeling from the immediate loss, the Grenades take a moment to readjust and for the first quarter the Cyberbrains are able to score a few more times. But once Sherlock cleans up a bit and comes down from his high and Dean gets ready for revenge the Grenades shut the Cyberbrains out of the end zone for the remainder of the game.

Result: CC 21 - ARPG 53

Mercs vs. Mutants

The Mandalorian Mercs vs. The Morbus Mutants

@ The Technodrome



 Paragon Percentage: Sauron will enter play.



Coin Toss: Mercs win, will receive

Kickoff: Ghost Rider halfasses a kick that Snake Eyes picks up after a fumble, and manages to bounce around and avoid 7 tackle attempts to score immediately.

Entire Game Synopsis: With Sauron in play, the Mercs are even more statistically better than the Mutants. The score would be higher if Sauron focused on scoring as much as he does injuring. By the fourth quarter the Mutants bench is empty.

Result: MaMe 48 - MoMu 13



Pandas vs. Doctors

The Sexual Harassment Pandas

vs. The DHARMA Doctors

@ Some Fucking Island That Keeps Moving Through Time And Space But You Probably Don't Know Because You Stopped Watching Around The End Of The Second Season Stadium

Paragon Percentage: No paragon will enter play.

Coin Toss: The Pandas win, will receive.

Kickoff: Rita kicks off to Marty McFly, whose kink malfunctions due to the oddities of the time/space traveling island and he goes Back to the Endzone where Hurricane Spencer takes him down for a safety. 

First Quarter: Shaking off their early embarressment, the Pandas dominate the first quarter. Preventing the Doctors from scoring at all Flintstone enjoys the primitive island bonuses to score two touchdowns. The second time the 2 point conversion succeeds.

Second Quarter: Space Monkey fights back the best he can with his team things take a turn for the worse when Hurricane and Rocky start brawling on the 50 yard line. Leonardo tries to break it up only to be attacked by Goldar, and Firegorge and Vic retaliate against Goldar and then Storm Shadow. The fight blows out of proportion until Space Monkey is drunk in the stands with some cheerleaders watching and only Balboa is still standing, though brutally beaten. Marty, barely standing, manages to redeem his earlier mistake with a throwaway field goal that actually suceeds before succumbing to his wounds and passing out. The game is called on account of both teams being unable to field a full roster after their injured are removed.

Result: SHP 17 - DD 2

Spacies vs. Explorers

They Came From Outer Space!

vs.

The Enterprise Explorers

@ Memory Alpha Astrodome

 Paragon Percentage: Neither paragon will enter play

Coin Toss: Explorers win, will receive.

Kickoff: Eragon kicks to the Balrog known as Durin's Bane, who is brought down by the xenomorph Alien after a decent gain.
Entire Game Synopsis: This is a game of Ender vs.Data in essence. The two manage to lead their respective defensive lineups to preemptively prevent the offensive lines from maneuvering an advantage. Though kinks come into play occasionally and allow the teams to score, the opponents catch up quickly.

Overtime Synopsis: With just a few injuries and mostly starter first-string players, both teams head into overtime tied with high hopes. The Spacies have the possession but fail a passing play for their fourth down and the Explorers attempt a running game but are unable to gain the field they need. Sudden Death Overtime comes and goes and the teams are tied.

Result: TCFOS! 45 - EE 45

Steamies vs. Lycanthropes

The Sodor Steamies vs. The Lankhmar Lycanthropes

@ The Ballpark of Pleasure

Paragon Percentage: Wonder Woman will enter play.

Coin Toss: The Lycanthropes win, will receive

Kickoff: Kimberly kicks in to Xena, who makes a large gain and nearly scores but is brought down for a first and short by Bullroarer Took.

Entire Game Synopsis: Hermoine expertly delivers her carriers into the end zone time and time again. The Steamies are hurt early on when the venerable Raistlin is injured and then his replacement Lord Adarbrent is as well, leaving the team without anyone who can match wits with Ms. Granger/Mrs. Weasley (depending on how old you're visualizing her, and lets be honest pervert you're visualizing the younger version...). Xena, Sonja, and Conan begin an epic series of Quests for the Endzone and by the middle of the second quarter the Steamies lose all faith and just break down.

Result: SS 11 - LL 92

Team America vs. Assassins

Freedom City Stars & Stripes

vs.

The Asshai Assassins

@ The All-American Astrodome

The hometown boys come out to a cheering patriotic crowd



Paragon Percentage: Ethan Hunt will enter play.

Coin Toss: America wins, and in a show of good faith will let the Assassins receive.

Kickoff: Santa Claus delivers downfield to Loras Tyrell, who easily bypasses Palin and Romey but is taken down by Mr. Rogers.
Entire Game Synopsis: The Assassins never had a chance even if Team America didn't field a paragon. Though their running game isn't perfect due to the faults of Romney and Palin, Captain and the rest of the gang easily out maneuver Robb's efforts. When Ethan as defense injures Robb, the Assassins lose momentum and fall apart.

Result: FCS&S 45 - AA 21

Spartans vs. Stereotypes

The Requiem Spartans

vs.

The Statistically Validated Stereotypes

@ JUB JUB Stadium

Paragon Percentage: Master Chief will enter play.....to fight the team from his own setting.

Coin Toss: Spartans win, will receive.

Kickoff: Iron Man kicks off to Lara Croft (he would...) who manages to avoid movie Deadpool before being brought down by Gray Mouser.
Entire Game Synopsis: Green Arrow manages to land many passes but his runners can't get around Master Chief's defenses, so the Spartans kick away their fourth down and the Stereotypes gain possession. This begins a long series of Master Chief preventing the offensive line from being able to make any real headway, while Lancer uses the running game of the Stereotypes to easily outmaneuver the Nitro Girls.

Result: RS 0 - SVS 82

Mashers vs. Coalition

The Margathean Mashers vs. The Central City Coalition

@ Total Perspective Vortex Arena

Paragon Percentage: Shephard Book will enter play.

Coin Toss: Mashers win, will receive.

Kickoff: Stan Lee does a light kick that is picked up after a scramble by Neil Patrick Harris who avoids Bizarro for a return touchdown to start the game.

Entire Game Synopsis: Though the Coalition has a strong team and probably would have pulled ahead if facing the Mashers alone, they can not compete with Book's tactical might and defense without their own paragon. However they do prevent a full blowout by the paragon-backed Mashers, which speaks loads about their skill.

Result: MM 35 - CCC 17



Aberrations vs. Hippie Punchers

The Asgardian Aberrations

vs.

The Mann Co. Hippie Punchers

@ The Singasteinn Superdome

Paragon Percentage: Ellen Ripley and The Goddamned Batman will be entering the game.

Coin Toss: Hippie Punchers win, will receive

(The Hippie Punchers being escorted to the arena)

Kickoff: GIR does a light kick that Turin picks up after a brief scramble. Turin shakes off Legolas but is tackled by Venom after a large gain.

First Quarter: Ripley and Hammer manage a combo that gets around Lobo on the third down and score the first touchdown of the game and Ripley follows that with a fake pass conversion. Gaining possession, the Aberrations look to fight back with Batman and Legolas outrunning War Machine for another third down touchdown and conversion. This back-and-forth possession scoring sequence stays on target for the first round as the teams get into a groove, ending with a tied score. But such peace was not meant to last.

Second Quarter: Starting much like the first quarter, the two teams strict to good solid football and both score. Finallythe Aberrations catch a break when Brienne manages to injure War Machine, who returns the favor in his final seconds. The two are removed and Turin heads to the defense for the Punchers while Casey Jones takes over his offensive position. Ouka walks in and heals Brienne of her wounds, taking them upon herself. The game continues and the Aberrations manage to pull slightly ahead as Turin gets into the groove of defense.

Third Quarter: Ripley brings the Punchers back up to score with a third and long kick by Pyro, overtaking the Aberrations by one point. Batman comes in and performs a shotgun play but is halted after a short gain by Turin. After a moment the crowd and teams realize that neight of them are getting up. Medics (not Medic, he would be no help here) are called and both are declared dead on the scene. Turin sacrificed himself for a fatal stab wound to Batman. The Aberrations are stunned. Hawkeye steps in for the dearly departed while Ripley moves to defense, handing QB duties for the Punchers back to Batman's old friend Jim Gordon. Who knew his weak spots.

Fourth Quarter: The fourth and final quarter comes over a somber crowd and the Aberrations have possession. A fixed GIR (thanks to Donatello) tries to cheer up his teammates but they are determined to avenge the dead. Hawkeye launches to Goro who never fumbles and takes over the lead with a long touchdown run. Ripley prevents the try and the Hippie Punchers regain possession. The normal plan for the HPs is to just injure everyone in the fourth round as their lineup includes several players with 100% injury chance by then. However, the Aberrations are fielding Lobo for defense and he can't be injured. After a couple unsuccessful attempts at injuring, the Hippie Punchers call a timeout and bring Ripley back out for offense as well. She relies on the faster-than-Lobo Carnage to land a touchdown and attempts another conversion but is thwarted by Lobo. Gaining possession, Vash (who has been pretending to be stupid the whole game) shows his full skills and easily gets by the by-now warn out Ripley who is playing both offense and defense. The Aberrations take the lead again but the try fails as Ripley is onto Vash by then.  The last few seconds of play find the Hippie Punchers with possesion. Concentrated efforts see a second down pass play to Carnage for a touchdown granting them the win by one point. Possession won this game.

Result: AA 60 - MCHP 61

SECOND AND THIRD DEATHS OF THE SEASON
RIP: Mister The Goddamned Batman and Turin Turambar

Impalers vs. Miners

The Immortal Impalers vs. The Morian Miners

@ The Hunyard Castle Gardens

 Paragon Percentage: Gandalf will enter play.

Coin Toss: Miners win, will receive

Kickoff: Gimli sends it in long to Merry Brandybuck, and the game begins with Merry taking a knee to avoid a tackle by Duncan MacLeod.

Entire Game Synopsis: The Miners learn quick who is in control of this game when Gandalf makes it clear that Dumbledore will not be allowed to perform any passes. Relying on a running game, Carl Johnson and Merry become Albus' and though they are able to get by the light defense of the Immortals, their own defense is where the fault really lies. The Impalers err, Impale, the Miners.

Result: II 63 - MM 13

Dragons vs. Slayers

The Westeros Three-Headed Dragons

vs.

The Sunnydale Slayers

@ The Dragon Pit

Paragon Percentage: Neither paragon will enter play.
Coin Toss: Slayers win, will receive.

Kickoff: Admiral Abstinence penetrates the field with a long shot to Buffy Summers, who is downed by Gregor Clegane near the 50 yard line.

First Quarter: The Slayers start with a strong and growing lead as Buffy uses an ecclectic series of pass plays and lands touchdowns with many of her carriers.  The Dragons combat with a few easy carries by Gregor and close the gap significantly by the end of the quarter.

Second Quarter: The Kingsguard injures Buffy early on (damnit Sir Meryn, stop beating women...) and is replaced by Walter White. Walter manages to streamline the tactical might of his team to basically make the Kingsguard pointless, but the Dragons retaliate by injuring him within two possessions. This ends the rally of the Slayers, and the Dragons land a 45 yard touchdown as halftime draws to begin their rally.

Third Quarter: Third-string QB Mulder comes in and can't quite get the team motivated or coordinated like Summers or White, and the Slayers go the entire quarter without scoring. Meanwhile the Dragons begin a slow but steady climb, scoring one touchdown and two field goals, ending the slightly ahead of the Slayers.

Fourth Quarter: Danifae activates her chosen status and scores for the Slayers early on, taking the lead back. In retaliation Admiral Abstinence activates his No power and prevents any forward movement by the Slayers the entire rest of the quarter. Even with this, the team struggles to get past the defense. In a last minute ditch effort, the team Jon Snow performs an offensive field goal on a fourth and long and is actually successful.

Result: WT-HD 43 - SS 42

Briefs vs. Guardians

The Bikini Bottom Briefs vs. The Cosmo Canyon Guardians

@ Fallen Star Stadium

Paragon Percentage: Link will be assisting the Guardians on the field.
Coin Toss: Briefs win, will receive.
Kickoff: Goku kicks to Machete Cortez. Machete carries but is more interested in tackling than gaining yardage, and is brought down after a very short gain by Aragorn.

First Quarter: The Briefs receive their first of several devestating blows (ha, briefs...blows...ha) when Jaina Proudmoore sacks and injures Saruman. This begins a progressive series of sacks that sees the team run out of quarterbacks by emptying their bench by the quarters end. Though Jaina is judged to have not been overly aggressive, she opts to remove herself as a token of sportsmanship but it is for nothing when she is replaced by Godzilla - who could care less about hurting people. The refs agree to allow the game to continue if the Guardians will remove their quarterback. As a result Link moves to Flex and Obi-Wan leaves the field.

Second Quarter: The referee's allowance lasts about four minutes into the second quarter when Godzilla takes out two more Briefs. The game is shut down and the Guardians receive a victory by default.

Result: BBB 7 - CCG 15

Eels vs. Mustangs

The Guilder Bay Shrieking Eels vs. The Manehatten Mustangs

@ The Cliffs of Insanity Coliseum



Paragon Percentage: Captain Picard has received a field commission to enter play.



Coin Toss: The Eels win, will receive.

Entire Game Synopsis: There are times in history when the underdogs heroically rally to victory. These stories inspire us to greatness and remind us of the power of will.

This was not one of those times.

This was the story of an underdog facing down a starfleet captain backed by some willing warriors who took the field and didn't bother to notice that anyone else was even there.

FIRST DEATH OF THE SEASON

RIP: Angus MacGyver

Angus MacGyver laid down his life for a safety score but did so against Demoman. He leaves behind one son, Sean Angus "Sam" Malloy, who will temporarily take over his father's duties with the mustangs until the draft. 

Result: GBSE 126 - MM 2

Sentinels vs. Knights

The Cybertron Sentinels vs. The Gotham Knights

@ The Metroplex Colosseum

Paragon Percentage: No paragons will enter play

Coin Toss: Knights win, will receive

Kickoff: Megaman launches a long shot to Raze, and moments later a huge fight ensues which ends with a fumble, an injured Raze, a removed-from-play Starscream, and a touchdown for the Sentinels by Lando.

Entire Game Synopsis: The points scored in the initial kickoff would prove to be the only points scored the entire game. Angry at Raze's injury, the Knights fought back brutally, causing Beorn to go full on bear and the next thing we know both benches are cleared and when the fight ends we've got Megatron looking on approvingly while Optimus looks on disapprovingly and it looks like only Snake Pliskin escaped.

Result: CS 6 - GK 0

Browncoats vs. Leviathans

The Big Damn Browncoats vs. The Innsmouth Leviathans

@ The R'lyeh Municipal Field

Paragon Percentage: River Tam and Cthulhu will both enter play.
Coin Toss: Leviathans win, will receive.
Kickoff: Ichigo sends a long drive down to Michael Myers, who is taken down by Bowser and River after a short gain.
First Quarter: River takes over for the Constructicons and begins handling the Browncoats defense, but much of her attention is taken by Cthulhu who has entered the fray for the Leviathans. Though Cthulhu fails to remove her sanity from her, he does manage to distract her long enough for Throttle to land a couple touchdowns. However the Browncoats fight back when Gromph and Edgar injure the Urak-hai and even out the score by the end of the quarter.

Second Quarter: Frankenstein's Monster takes over defense duties for the leviathans, and feels considerably less like a monster in the shadow of Cthulhu. Innsmouth attempts a Rally but are devastated when River decides to ignore Cthulhu for a round and gains control over Throttle's mind. Cthulhu manages to injure her and both are removed from play, but unbeknownst to the refs she is still able enough to hide in Throttle's thoughts. It takes the entirity of the quarter for the Leviathans to figure out what is going on, but by then the damage is done. Fast man Throttle causes multiple turnovers and even a couple safeties, and by halftime the Browncoats have a hefty lead.

Third Quarter: An angry Cthulhu, though relegated to the sidelines, decides two can play that game. He gazes hard into Quartermain until the man loses all sanity, and begins throwing the ball to members of the Leviathans. This allows a renewed and belittled Throttle to renew himself by closing the gap with interception touchdowns. The refs finally remove all out-of-play benchwarmers back to the locker rooms to prevent further interference with the game.

Fourth Quarter: Working with second-string players and angry at each other for the actions of the other's paragons, the teams begin a angry all-out-assault on each other. Nearly ever play is a blitz and possessions are changing without any new first downs. In the final moments second-string Browncoat kicker Madea makes the only score of the quarter with a 30 yard field goal to seal the victory.

Results: BDB 48 - IL 35

Team America vs. Stereotypes

The Freedom City Stars & Stripes

aka "Team America"

vs.

The Statistically Validated Stereotypes

@ The All-American Astrodome

Paragon Percentage: Neither paragon will enter play.

Coin Toss: The Stereotypes win, will receive. Typical liberal handout attitude.

Kickoff: Santa Claus delivers from afar to Gray Mouser, who manages to bypass the defense and instantly score for the Stereotypes. 

First Quarter: Team America retaliates quickly by putting Palin and Romney....

(seen here. Romney only appears black due getting his elbows dirty to fix America.)

....into the running, landing consecutive touchdown fakeouts.  Not to be outdone, the Stereotypes load up MS DOS and program Movie-Version-Deadpool into the endzone and into a successful conversion. By sheer dumb luck Willy Gilligan manages to return with an 80 yard touchdown but The Animaniacs manage a intercept during the try and return down the field for a touchdown of their own. The score is 20-19 Stereotypes going into the second.
Second Quarter: Tired of the bullshit, The Comedian takes out Palin, Rogers, Gilligan, and Grimes before Robocop takes him down. Team America field Captains Sternn and Freedom, Private Pledge, and Dan Connor leaving their bench nearly barren while The Nigga Merlin comes out for the Stereotypes. Late as usual. You people. The Lazy stereotypes decide they need a break for rest (you people!) and Sonya Blade, Jax Briggs, Nightwolf, and Danny Lightfoot come out for a bit. Lightfoot and Nightwolf are drunk (YOU PEOPLE?!?) and Jax appears high, and may have just got done fucking Sonya (Eh, all people really). The lack of cohesion leads a pissed of Lancer to run the only touchdown of the quarter himself.
Second Half: The game comes to an early end when Jax uses his skills to ground assault the G.I.Joe team, allowing That Nigga Merlin to C-Walk into the endzone.  The Joes are replaced by Jack Burton, leaving Team America with no backup (sounds familiar.....). The Stereotypes capitalize on this by overloading one side of the line of scrimmage (monotypes?) and blitzing Burton, injuring him and causing the Stars & Stripes to retire from the field to nurse their wounds.

Result: FCS&S 19 - SVS 38

Spacies vs. Lycanthropes

They Came From Outer Space!

vs.

The Lankhmar Lycanthropes

@ The Ball Park of Pleasure

Paragon Percentage: Captain Kirk and Wonder Woman will both enter play.

Coin Toss: The Spacies win, will receive.

Not to be confused with The Kevin Spaceys!

Kickoff: Bard the Bowman starts with a long kickoff that Predator grabs. Cloaking himself, Predator slips by the confused Lycanthropes and lands a return touchdown. 

First Quarter: Captain Kirk hits on Wonder Woman nonstop, and though she turns him down he is so persistent that he manages to keep her preoccupied - effectively leaving the game paragon-less. The Spacies start very strong with solid carriers able to easily maneuver around the field, but Hermoine seems to be able to teach her entire squad what signs to look for and begins a War of the Touchdowns as the two teams chance possession back and forth.
Second Quarter: Red Sonja takes out the Predator early in the second quarter, injuring herself as well but slowing down the Spacies running game considerably. Lestat comes to the Spacies aid while Sonja is replaced by John Carter. The Lycanthropes take this opportunity to take over the lead and create a significant lead but are dismayed when in the final seconds of the half Hermoine is injured. 

Third Quarter: Radagast comes out to fill the place of Hermoine, but is too disinterested in people to be as effective of a teacher as her. As a result the entire Lycanthrope team seems to not function quite as well. Meanwhile Neo seems to be gaining his feet and pulls off a triple play of Touchdown-Turnover-Touchdown to significantly lessen the gap gained in the previous quarter. This is followed by Hellboy going beastmode and The 9th Doctor pulling off a conversion to leave the score tied going into the fourth. 

Fourth Quarter: Xena and Gabrielle team together to pull the Lycanthropes out of their lethargy, but a beefed up Neo doesn't give them any chance to blow the score out of the water.  Tied and with seconds remaining, Neo pulls off the Spacie Signature Play Nebuchadnezzar’s Gambit and Neo accepts his fate and  flies into the endzone. 

Result: TCFOS 71 - LL 65

Mercs vs. Doctors

The Mandalorian Mercs vs. The DHARMA Doctors

@ Membata Memorial Stadium

Paragon Percentage: Sauron will enter play.

Coin Toss: Mercs win, will receive.
Kickoff: Rita Repulsa kicks to Bean, who is taken down by Hurricane Spencer after a short gain.
Entire Game Synopsis: Sauron and Samwise come together to help get Space Monkey good and drunk early on, lowering his efficiency for the Doctors and allowing the Mercs to begin to pull ahead of them. Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes spend the entire game having a personal pissing contest, while Fett makes it a personal goal to take out Bru and Hurricane for annoying the hell out of him. With Sauron in play and Space Monkey drunk, the Doctors never really had a chance to keep up the pace. Blowout ball game.

Result: MM 82 - DD 21