OGREs Developmental League

OGREs Developmental League
Fantasy Football Done Right.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

New Scum squashes the Frogs, minus a "Princess"

Another beautiful day in the Commissioner’s own stadium. As the Flippin’ Flyin’ Frogs show up to take on the always dangerous Metropolitan New Scum. Spider Jerusalem’s team is coming off a hard loss to the Gilder Bay Eels, while the Frogs who are new to the league, also had a demoralizing loss to the Inhumans. Today, one team shall leave still without a win.

Spider walk out muttering curses with Neil Patrick Harris at his side. Today, Neil seems to be wearing a bright red Hawaiian shirt with adorned with yellow flowers. Across from them, the much shorter duo of Megaman and Yoda step forward. “Quite loud, your shirt is.” Notes Yoda, knowing Neil isn’t in his standard attire of a suit and tie. “Oh you know, some chicks dig cheesy guys in loud shirts.” Neil remarks, casting a glance to the Frogs sideline. The ref doesn’t care much about the banter, and flips the coin. “The Fogs will receive first, let’s play ball.”

Malcolm Reynolds lines up the kick and sends it sailing into Frogs Territory, Rocky Douglas Jr. catches the ball and leads the charge forward as the two teams clash. Rocky’s short stature and ninja skills pay of as he avoids most of the New Scum, and downs the ball at the 20 yard line as Samurai Jack blocks his path. The two eye each other up and down, Jack is rather confused at this boy in a kimono, and sits to ponder his course of action as Lobo steps onto the field for the New Scum.

Megaman being no stranger to Lobo’s style of defense wastes no time hitting the team of Fred and Dino with a shovel pass allowing Dino to slip by as Fred Flintsone punches Lobo square in the jaw and knocks him to the ground. The dinosaur clears the endzone for a touchdown and the Frogs celebrate as they run off the field with Lobo still sitting trying to understand what just took place.

Spider watches Black Bolt boot the ball through the uprights for an extra point. “We’re fucking losing to a bunch of kids cartoons and 90’s symbols. What in the eleven hells are you doing out there Lobo?” “Ain’t my fragging fault the ninja kid ran the length of the field, Jack could have took his head. Couldn’t you Jack?” The samurai is silent as he gathers himself and steps onto the field for the kickoff.

Black Bolt kicks again, sending the ball into the capable hands of Captain America who begins to systematically waylay every Frog who gets within arms reach of him. Finally, he is face to face with Black Bolt, who simply utters the word “STOP”. Cap, knowing this was totally going to happen, it ALWAYS does when the leader of the Inhumans is involved, leaps.  The good Captain keeps his body behind his shield, which absorbs the blow and results in Black Bolt taking a shield to the face. As the terrigan misted mutant stumbles, Cap steps into the endzone, salutes the flag and says the pledge of allegiance. This currently reigns as the lamest touchdown dance in all of football history. Spider is finally pleased, momentarily, as the extra point sails through the uprights to tie the game. 7-7

Mal takes the ball again, and kicks back off to the Frogs kicking deep into Frogs territory where Zach Morris catches the kick he takes it to his own 40 yard line before being shut down by the New Scum. Megaman & Company have a lot of field to cover this possession than they did last the last. Lobo comes out to run defense, and he seems to recall the last possession very clearly.

Megaman leads the Frogs in a valiant drive, which ends when Lobo firmly plants himself between Fred Flintstone and the oncoming ball. Lobo makes it several yards before Megaman can change over to Air Shooter and knock Lobo down. Yoda nods silently and waves at Bowser and the Goombas to prepare to take the field.

Lobo and Spider share a look as Lobo takes the bench. Spider refers to the Czarnian as an effective brute and walks onto the field. The Spider driven offense works around the Brothers McManus, while Captain America and Brienne whittle down Goombas to help them drive into Frog territory for another touchdown. Mal comes off the bench for the extra point, which is good to put the New Scum up 14-7.

Mal sticks around to kickoff to the Frogs as time begins to dwindle in the 1st quarter. Fred and Dino catch the ball at the 25 yard line and yabba-dabba-do up the field. The prehistoric pair quickly shuffle about, causing the New Scum to lose track of who has the ball, until River Tam comes out of left field and lays out Dino. The purple dinosaur is helped to the sideline as Megaman comes back out with his crew, minus Dino for the moment.

From their own 30 yard line, the Frogs have a long way to go again, and Lobo’s red eyes glaring down his offense. The 2nd quarter starts as the Frogs work angles and short runs against the Czarnian, finally ending at a treacherous 4th and 1. Megaman takes the hike and throws a ball straight at Lobo, who sneers as the ball almost enters his arms, before it suddenly disappears. He looks back to see Zach Morris running downfield and gets a sickle throw off on the teenage to catch him before he hits the endzone. A valuable first down achieved, Megaman and crew retake their positions. Spreading the ball around, and getting a sneaky slide in there, the Frogs end up at the 20 yard line with few options left on a 4th down. Looking back to Yoda for guidance, Megaman signals for Black Bolt to come in and kick a field goal. The kick goes up, and the ball swiftly comes back down with Lobo’s hand on it. The Czarnian laughs and walks off the field, giving control back to Spider and his high powered offense.

Megaman looks frustrated, but Yoga advises him “Be patient, we must.” And nods for Bowser and his Goomba army to retake the field. Spider calls the first play and takes the hike, Neil Patrick Harris runs a short angle, then stops and winks at Zoe Washburne on the sideline. She grins, admiring his newfound style, as the ball collides with the side of his head and he misses his pass. She laughs and he goes back to the line of scrimmage for the next play. Spider keeps his mitts on the ball, lets Bowser get in close before firing passes downfield to his receivers, and the New Scum march down the field. The drive is capped by Murphy McManus with an 8 yard run and bounce over a Goomba’s head into the endzone. Malcolm comes in and kicks for the extra point, through the uprights again. New Scum with a 21-7 lead now.

Yoda never seems flustered, he speaks briefly with Megaman on the sideline before the teams take the field for the kickoff. Malcolm hits the ball too high and it whiffs along the ground and bounces poorly and is scooped up by Fred Flintstone, who gets a short gain into the New Scum territory before being taken down hard by Samurai Jack. The silent samurai hits the patriarch of the prehistoric family across the temple with the hilt of his blade, sending him reeling and a stretcher comes out to retrieve him. Meanwhile, Neil seems to have made headway with Zoe, they’re rolling around on the 45 yard line. Malcolm smirks and tells them to get a room, or at least a locker room.

Megaman, down 2 teammates doesn’t seem fazed. He makes the playcall and takes the hike, and loads the ball into his arm cannon. From nowhere, the young ninja Rocky leaps from the ground, onto Megaman’s shoulder, and into the air above him. Megaman takes careful aim and fires the ball from his arm cannon to the young ninja, who grapples the ball midair and rides it as it careens inside the 10 yard line. Rocky hits the ground on his feet, and runs the last couple yards before leaping into the endzone. Lobo stands in shock and awe, not exactly sure how he can defend against that play. Megaman nods to Yoda who seems pleased with the trick play. Black Bolt comes onto the field for the kick and brings the Frogs back up to within 7 points at the half. 21-14, the New Scum still running the show.

The two teams hit the locker rooms Zoe seemingly attached to Neil Patrick Harris, while Bowser throws his Goombas about for not doing a better job. Goomba morale is at an all-time low. Lobo’s having one of the stranger games of his career, and isn’t sure what to make of this new cunning Megaman. Spider is ticked that their lead isn’t bigger, and makes sure his crew knows this.  Most of the Frogs spend their time listening to Yoda speak in broken sentences, but only following about half of what he says. But Megaman is locked in. The teams exit locker rooms as the Frogs prepare to kick to the New Scum.

Black Bolt comes in for the kickoff, and the rejuvenated Frogs pour on the steam running hard at the New Scum. The kick comes down about the 35 to Captain America, who quickly has Brienne of Tarth and Samurai Jack at his side. The trio clash with the Frogs as swords flash, and Zach Morris falls to the ground. Samurai Jack however breaks off from the pair, his blow to Rocky had been narrowly dodged. The duo lock eyes and commence dueling in the center of the field. Rocky finally falling victim to a roundhouse kick delivered by the experienced samurai. Cap, with one side exposed, received fair payback from Black Bolt earlier in the game and is downed at the Frogs 40 yard line. Stretchers come out for Rocky & Zach, as the Frogs now must decide which of the youths will receive the aid from John Coffey.

Spider directs Malcolm Reynolds to commence running the offense, with his first mate helping, at the behest of Neil of course. Bowser leads the Goombas back on field and orders them into a specific formation. Mal hands off to Brienne, who takes long strides upfield, and collides with the massive claw of Bowser. He laughs crunches the sword maiden in a claw and drops her to the ground. River Tam is called to play for Brienne, who is unhurt, but her damaged armor hinders her movement. Mal is just glad his crew and his team are all getting along. River studies Bowser and his formation of Goombas close by the sudden realization hits her as Mal calls the play and the ball is hiked. Bowser heaves a pair of Goombas at the young woman’s head triggering an unprecedented emotional response of sheer rage. Bowser takes off downfield to keep the New Scum wide receivers in check with a gout of flame as River Tam begins to go haywire on her own team. But Neil is far too close and is struck hard by the tiny girl. Zoe, not at ALL happy about her man being slapped by River. Draws her blaster from the bench and draws a bead on River. The young girl falls into a heap as Bowser runs by having intercepted the poorly thrown pass from Malcolm, who’s been distracted by everything suddenly falling apart on his second play as quarterback. But the King of Koopas is too slow for Cap, who is able to wrestle him to the ground before he’s able to score a touchdown.

The Frogs rejoice as Bowser and his troops (minus 2) come to the sideline. Meanwhile, Malcolm recalls his days in the military as Spider invents new expletives to use on his team, suddenly down 2 players. Lobo is called out again to defend the well positioned Frogs, who suddenly have a chance to tie things up. Megaman calls the play and loads the ball into his cannon arm, his eye catches a flash of metal as Lobo’s sickle lands directly in front of him solidly planting into the ground. Looking up, the robotic boy see’s the last Czarnian slingshotting at him with one big boot first, knocking the quarterback to the ground for a sack. Momentum stifled, Lobo continues to wreak havoc on the Frogs offensive squad, forcing them to settle for a field goal attempt. Black Bolt hits a 30 yard field goal for the Frogs, making the first score of the half and narrowing the gap to 21-17.

The end of the 3rd quarter looms as Black Bolt kicks off back to the New Scum sailing high and deep into their end of the field. Murphy McManus gets the pickup and completely trips over himself, downing the ball on his own 17 yard line. Spider looks as if a vein might explode, and he walks onto the field to run his offense again, bringing with him Buffy Summers and Deathstroke (holding Django’s Coffin) to backfill positions left open by injured players. Spider directs his crew, and hikes the ball Bowser concentrates on getting to Spider, who is well guarded by Captain America and Samurai Jack on every turn. Spider can’t risk big plays but keeps Murphy & Connor working while Bowser looms large over his linemen. Deathstroke, seeing an opportunity, smashes the coffin over Bowser’s head. The Koopa King lights the remainder of the coffin on fire, and chucks a Goomba at the McManus brother running the ball. Buffy is intrigued, such a strong display of sheer power and aggression. And he’s a king? What a catch.

Spider purposefully takes his time chipping away at Bowser’s defense and working his way across the field, until finally Buffy leaves formation on a play and runs up to Bowser, who quickly grabs her and lifts her into the air. The Koopa was about to use her as a missile to hit Spider, when she gets his attention, and whispers something in hushed tones into his ear. Bowser grins, if that’s even a thing, and runs off while still holding Buffy in the air. Spider mutters another curse about running out of players, and runs through the field of Goombas for a touchdown with the help of Captain America and Samurai Jack. Malcolm is trusted to make the kick, and manages to do so, bringing the New Scum up to 28-17 over the Frogs. Yoda signals for Peter Griffith to step forward and quickly instructs him on what his purpose is to be.

Mal kicks off to the Frogs, time waning since Spider’s last drive took so long, and the ball goes deep. The freshly healed up Rocky catches the ball, and laterals to Peter as instructed by Yoda. Peter recalls his days with the New England Patriots and rushes forward, stiff arming Captain America on his way and recalling that it reminded him of the time he dressed up to go see the Avengers with the guys.
They had decided to attend the midnight showing in costume, Quagmire was dressed as Iron Man, Cleveland as the Hulk, Brian as Thor, and Joe as Hawkeye. When Peter walked in as Natasha Romanov in a skin tight body suit, their conversation stopped and everyone looked at him awkwardly.
Peter crashes through the last defender and into the endzone. Commencing his song and dance, the clock continues to run down to the two minute warning. Yoda goes for the 2 point conversion, attempting to get the game close enough for a shot at overtime. Bean easily makes the play for the Frogs, Lobo really just ready for a cigar, he’s had it with these guys. Closing the gap to 28-25, the Frogs kick off to the New Scum again.

The ball sailing far towards the New Scum endzone, Captain America with the catch as the final minutes of the game begin to tick away. He pushes his way to the 50 yard line, where he encounters Black Bolt again, who’s powerful voice is enough to slow him down long enough that Bean is able to get him down.

With Bowser nowhere to be seen, and the Goombas freely going about their business, Bean steps in a defense for what could be the games last drive. Spider feeds the ball to Cap, who keeps the ball tucked low and collides time and time again with Bean, slowing getting enough progress for a first down. Then another, allowing Spider to call Malcom in for a kick in the last moments of the game. Malcolm’s kick sails right, but manages to stay between the goal posts. Sealing the deal on the Flippin Flyin Frogs 31-25.

A letter is delivered to Spider after the handshakes are completed at the end of the game. It reads as follows:

“Your vampire hunter is in another castle, if you want her back, feel free to attempt to rescue her.”
Followed by mysterious laughter that seemed to emanate from the sky.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Grail Knights burn the Inhumans

Conference play begins tonight! The Fuyuki City Grail Knights against the Inhuman Inhumans!

The Master Tactician, Jerico Swain swaggers onto the field alongside Vash the Stampede. Who seems confused as to why he is here again today. The Grail Knights send Lancer, with his magus, Kirei Kotomine to the center of the field for the coin toss. On the Grail Knights sidelines, the Gelatinous Cube begins to lead the team in stretches.

“Well hey there again Mister Lancer. Funny seeing you here. What’s with the stranger helmet you have on?” Vash, friendly as always, starts to chat with the cold embodiment of the Irish mythological hero. Kirei answers for him, “My team has gained permission to replace the standard league helmet with our new custom helmets. Just an aesthetic modification, of course.”

“Well, that’s sure funny. They look a LOT like Mr. Magneto’s helmet! I’m surprised he let you copy them like that. Good luck guys! I hope you play well today!” Vash says, probably not yet figured out this is the opposing team. Lancer & Kirei share a smirk as the coin toss goes up and lands on the turf. The Inhumans will receive!

The Grail Knights take the field for the kick. The Gelatinous Cube sits on the sideline with his Magneto helmet floating in his gelatinous mass. The Invincible (sometimes) Iron Man lines up the kick, and fires a repulsor in his boot.  The ball sails extremely high, Reed takes notes on the sidelines to help Tony made adjustments, and comes down in the hands of Odin, who downs the ball immediately at the Grail Knights 45. “Startin’ wit a short field on thissun. Wizzards against wizzards, mutants against mutants, this gonna git good!” The commentator commentates. Gelatinous Cube saunters onto the field to start the first possession of the game.

Swain nods solemnly to Vash who takes the ball under center and spirals a pass to Thunderbird who dodges the Cube by leaping out of bounds. The Cube returns to the game, having consumed a bench with the missed tackle. It now floats around, digesting. Vash looks cool under pressure, spreads the ball around the Inhumans various offensive weapons. Until he hits Drizzt with a shovel pass, who runs it in for a quick touchdown. Spawn kicks the extra point, and the game is underway 0-7 for the Inhumans. Swains bird gets a treat.

Spawn steps onto the field to kick as the Grail Knights running backs take the back of the field to receive. Kirei doesn’t seem fazed by the offensive efficiency of the Inhumans, he’s shaken his line up a little from last week. Sending Lancer in as a running back alongside Mr. Fantastic. The kick goes high and wide, landing in the arms of Grima Wormtongue who carefully plods up the field before being tackled out of bounds by Starscream. The chancellor isn’t used to such physical contact and rolls into the Inhumans bench. J’onn J’onzz bends over to help the fallen player up. Grima thanks him kindly before returning to his position on the line as tight end. Lancer takes the snap and the Grail Knights are off. Kirei seems pleased.
Lancer does what he does best. As one of the leagues premier quarterbacks, Wolverine and Magneto are all over the passes, even before they’re thrown. When Wolverine takes a pass, he is suddenly boosted several yards by Magneto. Wulfgar, seeing this, is quick to anger and swings his hammer at the mutant mastermind of magnetism. The barbarians corded muscles strain to land the blow as Magneto grins at the barbarian, hammer held in place in the air, and whirls him back several yards. Magneto strides off the field as Wolverine does the “What I do best” touchdown dance. Iron Man goes for a kick, with no boosted boot this time and sends one through the goal posts. Swain and Kirei eye each other from across the field. “They’s either gonna be rivals, or thissus a bromance buddin’!” The commentator needlessly speaks again. Tie game at 7-7.

Iron Man takes his boot back from Reed, who seems to have completed modifications and lines up the next kick to go DEEP into Inhumans territory. The dark elf from house Do’Urden takes the ball up the middle for a solid gain, but is finally knocked down at his own 35 by Wolverine. The ex-teammates eye each other and go back to their respective sides. “Might get a grudge match too! 6 blades better than 2?” The Gelatinous Cube marches back onto the field to try and shutdown the Inhumans this time, or at least delay them.

Vash makes several great plays, threads a pass in to Thunderbird, makes a great run to convert a 3rd down into a first, Swain is delighted his QB is coming into his own. About the Grail Knights 45 yard line, a shovel pass to Drizzt is thrown, the night elf books around Vash, who suddenly trips him and tackles him to the ground. The Gelatinous Cube takes the chance and consumes Drizzt and his blades. Vash, stands up and suddenly the audience and players see him as he is, the Martian Manhunter?! But how?! “What a twist!” The Cube saunters off the field with the limp Drizzt left on the field. Feeling drained, and swords taken away, they lie the dark elf on the bench as Wulfgar steps in, dead set on paying back the Grail Knights for harming his lifelong friend. Martian Manhunter, somehow shaking the possession he was under, is being chewed out by Swain, when Professor X comes over to assist. Now the two psychics are talking in length as the Grail Knights take the field.

Lancer, now with Icingdeath on his hip, starts the game over again. The Ultimate Warrior coming onto the field as the new tight end. The pass blitz begins, Magneto and Wolverine catches passes one after the other as they near the Inhumans red zone. Wolverine makes a catch that looks good, when Wulfgar lands a blow to the mutants ribcage that could kill any mortal, (or person without adamantium coating on their bones). Wolverine careens out of bounds with the ball and his helped to his bench where his healing factor kicks in. Wolverine waves Ouka away as the Gelatinous Cube zips into the open wide receiver slot. Lancer only needs 2 more plays to find paydirt as the 2nd quarter begins and Swain begins to pace. Iron Man’s kick is solid, and the Grail Knights go up 14-7 on the Inhumans.

Iron Man kicks again deep into Inhumans territory. Starscream catches the ball and blitzes forward with Thunderbird covering him. The Ultimate Warrior completely avoids Starscream, and drop kicks Thunderbird. Shouting a challenge at him. “Thunderbird! I am the ULTIMATE WARRIOR. Though I am not the chosen one Thunderbird, I have braved the driest deserts, swam the deepest oceans and climbed the highest trees to come here today Thunderbird. I am your next challenge Thunderbird, I have journeyed here from parts unknown! You stand ready with your knives Thunderbird, with your teammates, with the pride of your people. But do you know fear Thunderbird? Do you know self-doubt Thunderbird? Do you know the muffin man Thunderbird!?” 

Thunderbird, not prone to fucking around, immediately locks up with the Ultimate Warrior and the two tousle in a dramatic clash that deserves its own High Fantasy Wrestling write up. However, in the end, Thunderbird stands victorious over his opponent. “Ultimate Warrior from parts unknown, I am an Apache warrior. And I have proven my own strength, and the strength of my people.” Proudstar then drags his wounded foe to the sideline and leaves him there, arms crossed over chest. Until Ouka absorbs his injuries and the Warrior runs forward punching Thunderbird in the back, wrapping his arms around his chest, lifting him high into the air and dropping the Apache onto his outstretched knee. The redneck goes wild “The atomic drop! YYEAAHH!! WARRRRIIORRRR!!!” Thunderbird is removed from the field as both coaches look on, tired of the scene that has unfolded before them. Starscream ran back his kickoff for a touchdown several minutes ago. Spawn makes his extra point kick and boots it back to the Grail Knights. Tie game at 14-14.

The Grail Knights receive the kickoff and don’t fool around, the now speedy Gelatinous Cube evades multiple would be tackles before Starscream shoves the huge cube out of the boundary, and pulls himself from the gelatinous mass, unscathed. Swain’s eyebrow raises at seeing this. Wulfgar steps onto the field again, patting the end of his hammer and glaring at Ultimate Warrior, who is obviously showboating and flexing for the crowd. The ball is hiked, and the pass goes to the Gelatinous Cube, who is enroute to the goal line Wulfgar lines up his shot and slings his mighty hammer, knocking the ball out of the cube as it continues to speed towards the goal line, not noticing. Picking up the fallen ball, and turning with it, Wulfgar is faced with the full might of the Grail Knight offensive. The barbarian unleashes his rage and smashes through their line, only to be drug to the ground by Magneto by his hammer at the 40 yard line. Wulfgar hands to ball off to Vash who tell him “great job!” as the barbarian stomps off the field. The Cube thought he did good, and has no idea what’s going on.

Vash’s offensive takes no time to get revved up. Now against Killer Croc, who is rampaging through their players. As time gets low, Spawn lines up a kick and it goes left. The two teams enter halftime with Drizzt and Thunderbird down for the count, Wolverine on the mend, and Ouka taking a long nap.

Both teams exit the locker rooms looking revved up and ready to go! A cage is seen floating over the arena and a large heavy iron box falls to the Inhuman’s sideline. As the front falls open, Pyro steps out and plods onto the field. The Grail Knights line up to receive the kick, and Pyro gets his torch ready as he runs up to kick the ball. However, in the priming of the flamethrower, he pops the ball as his kick flies a few feet and lands solidly in the hands of Lancer up front. “Aaawww shiiitt, it’s about to go…..” A gout of flame envelopes Lancer as the charred ball falls to the ground. When the maniacal laughter subsides, Lancer is nowhere to be found. Unfazed, Kirei Kotomine nods to Iskandar, who takes the field for the lost Lancer. The refs converse and make their call “Being that there is no body to be found, we cannot prove that Lancer is in fact dead. Therefore, no penalty will be applied to Pyro, the play clock will continue.” 

Halaster steps onto the field to play defense. Iskandar looks left and right, Magneto and the Cube set as receivers, Saber and Mr. Fantastic prepped to run he takes the hike and drops back. He draws his sword, and slices the air behind him “GORDIUS WHEEL! COME FORTH!” he cries, as a lightning engulfed chariot is summoned and Iskandar charges forward to meet Halaster the mage head on. Halaster grins as the chariot charges over him and he melts into snow. Iskandar cheers on the bulls pulling him towards the endzone. Halaster appears near the sideline, and watches as the Rider-class servant of Waver Velvet suddenly tumbles to the ground as his bulls power forward through a section of the audience. Iskandar has never encountered an empowered disintegrate trap before, and he’s quite shocked his old teammate has such ability. Still, enough yardage for a first down, and the Grail Knights are in the red zone. Iskandar takes the next hike and throws a pass to Magneto who floats into the endzone and pulls a large spiked trap out of the ground there. Halaster seems a little off put as Iron Man comes back out to kick. The kick is good, and the Grail Knights take the lead 21-14 in the 2nd half.

Iron Man sticks around to kick off to the Inhumans, the kick goes left and Banshee picks it up for a short gain before going down around his 45 yard line. Killer Croc clods out for the Grail Knights as Vash gets his offense in line. Martian Manhunter can be seen on the sidelines with Xavier, two of the most powerful telepaths in existence on the same team can’t bode well. Vash gets a few solid plays off picking up slight ground before bringing Professor X in at Tight End. Vash runs a quarterback keeper and dodges around a stunned Killer Croc as most of the Grail Knights flinch from a mental assault from the Martian Manhunter. Nodding to Professor X, the founder of the X-Men reaches out to Killer Croc in his already weakened state and hovers in his chair alongside the beast as they both head back to the Inhumans sideline. Vash walks into the endzone unchallenged and hands the ball politely to the referee. Spawn comes in to kick the extra point, which is good, as Kirei gets very angry at the loss of Killer Croc. Swain nods approvingly to his telepaths.

Pyro lines up a kick to the Grail Knights, the game tied again at 21-21 as the 4th quarter looms. This time, the ball survives the kickoff and flies high into Lancer’s capable hands. The ball is suddenly invisible as the King of Knights tears her way up the field with the Gelatinous Cube blocking for her. Starscream lodges himself in the cube to cease it’s progress, leaving Lancer on her own. Wulfgar leaps at the ball, or at least where it was, and is sliced open by what must have been an invisible blade. Lancer takes the ball deep into enemy territory before the maniacal Pyro runs her out of bounds.

Kirei, recognizing Iskandar’s chariot is gone, and Lancer is obviously gone, calls Magneto to take control of the offense. Wolverine has finally healed up and takes Magento’s place as wide receiver alongside the Gelatinous Cube, who is glad to see his teammate back. Killer Croc is trotted out to stand against his own teammates, with his fake Magneto helmet discarded and the Grail Knights ploy having been found out. Magneto himself doesn’t seem to care, Wolverine unleashes all kinds of fury against the giant reptile, as Magneto passes to the Cube, or hands off to Mr. Fantastic who is luckily able to dodge the vicious claws of the Killer Croc. Finally, Magneto gets cocky and hits Wolverine for a pass and initiates the magnetic fastball combo, Wolverine slams into Killer Croc with a dull “Thud” and is grappled by the reptile, who then process to run through the Grail Knights line, slamming the mutant, and the ball he holds, into their own endzone for a safety. Kirei is now plotting specific means of punishment for the ex-teammate.

Taking their 2 points, Swain seems quite pleased with his new teammate and his newfound lead of 23-21, as his offense takes to the field again. Iron Man kicks off to the Inhumans, however this time, the boot explodes instead of a simple malfunction, and he’s left on the field with a kick of 3 yards. As Iron Man lays prone on the ground, the crazied Pyro leaps over the ball itself and blasts a gout of flame at the billionare genius playboy. In a moment of complete heroics, the Gelatinous Cube envelopes his fallen comrade, knowing he’s safe inside his suit, as the maniac blasts the cube with a heavy dose of flame. The crowd goes silent as the cube shudders and begins to wilt. Blackbeard sees his opportunity to make his play as instructed, and uses his Yami Yami no Mi on Morpheus, who, in turn, grants Blackbeard a mind control ability, which is used on Pyro before the Cube is annihilated. Pyro, who already thought he was in wonderland, is now in a dream, and he spins dousing the magus, Halaster Blackcloak in a wreath of fire. His cloak, now really black, fans out over the ground as the magus falls to the ground silent. Again, Starscream sits in the endzone, nobody ever seems to pay attention to him. The Inhumans climb to 29-21, yet to kick their extra point.

Both coaches are silent as the mage is removed from the field. Pyro is thrown back into his cage and the door slammed shut. Since he killed a teammate, the referees have banned him from the remainder of his game, and will notify Swain of any further penalties. Spawn comes out to kick the extra point, narrowly sending it through the uprights. Then he kicks off again to the Grail Knights who have used exhausted most of their tricks to get to this point, and know that this drive is the only chance they have left to stay in the game. Now down 30-21 to the Inhumans. The Inhumans trot out Killer Croc again, who seemed to work last time, and his by no means affected by the recent death of their teammate, at the hands of another teammate.

Magneto, as always has a plan in mind. Using Saber to distract Killer Croc, and working the fastball play, the forward thinking, ever physical reptile can’t seems to get it’s claws on the ball, or ball carrier. Finally, Wolverine gets an open look and barrels downfield with Killer Croc hot on his tail. The mutant makes it to the endzone, and turns to tackle the reptile as a brawl begins. Magneto, sensing no good can come of this, pulls Wolverine into the air out of Croc’s reach, while it is summoned by Swain back to the sideline. Recognizing a 2 point conversion wouldn’t be enough to take the lead, they go for the kick and Kirei begins to plot the final possession of the game. Iskandar boots a quick extra point, making the game 30-28. Iron Man, no longer able to kick is replaced by a great grown lion. Young Simba sat quietly and watched the chaos around him, now all grown up, the Lion King takes the field to kick off to the Inhumans. He roars mightily as he attempts an onside kick, and Mr. Fantastic stretches to recover it. Swain curses as the clock is low, and the Magneto led offense steps back onto the field. Swain looks over his defensive options. Wulfgar is still nursing a sword wound from Saber, Killer Croc is too easily subverted, with tactics being such a big part of such a desperation play on the Grail Knights end, and then Halaster is, well, yeah.

Swain looks to the one person he’s been able to count on all game. “I just need them shut down, one time Vash. Can you do it?”

Vash smiles uneasily “Well, it’s a lot of pressure, but I’m sure I’ve got something left in me.” The human typhoon steps out onto the field to stand down against the Grail Knights, one last time. Simba slides into the wide receiver slot where the Cube once slid. He growls low at Vash, an ex-teammate. Magneto takes the hike and hovers up into the air, Vash can’t possibly hit him up there, so he goes out to cover. Seeing Magneto target the fresh lion, Vash moves in to intercept. Simba turns, spins and leaps into the air making the catch and landing face to face with Vash. “Hey now buddy, no need to brash, just your old friend Vash here! My you sure have grown up….” Vash tries to stall as Simba leaps into him as the two collide, the ball is knocked loose, and it tumbles to the ground. Simba bounces off Vash as the buzzer sounds, scoops up the ball, and runs into the endzone. Grail Knights 34-30.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

The Terrors of Bald Mountain judge the Mega City One Judges

Week 1 wraps up as the Mega City One Judged clash tonight against the Bald Mountain Terrors. “Tonight, we got these two rookies thrown down big time! The Judged wit their hard hittin offense, against the Terrors and their stonewallin defense! It’s gone be good!”

Chernobog and V step onto the field and meet with Judge Dredd and Aquaman. The two new coaches escorted by veterans of several years in the league. V has spent time working with the Mithril Automatons, whereas Aquaman has been a sought after quarterback for several seasons. Overlooked in the first draft this year, does Aquaman still have what it takes to lead a squad to the Oggie Bowl again?

The coin toss goes up, and the Judged will receive, Dracula takes the field to kick off to the Judged and the teams line up. The Transylvanian Terror boots the ball and it sails high and short, Sonic and Legolas are backfield for the reception, but the ball doesn’t make it that far. Instead, Throttle, of the Biker Mice from Mars picks the ball from the air and moves to midfield to gain some cover. He picks up assistance from Aquaman and Silver Surfer and makes a long gain to the Terrors 25 yard line.

Dracula looks dismal as Chernobog bellows at him on the sideline. War trots his horse onto the field to defend his turn. He’s strapped to the gills with an assortment of weapons, spiked barding on his red mare. Aquaman lines up behind center and takes the hike, Throttle and Carmen Sandiego roll out to the left, Silver Surfer to the right and cuts in for a screen pass. As Aquaman unleashes the ball, War rolls a whip off his hat and snatches the ball out of the air, pulling it into his hands as he kicks his mare into gear. “Yeaahh!! Indy cover yer ‘art!” screams the redneck announcer. His only good whip reference being Indiana Jones, who isn’t even IN this game. War drives forward for a short gain to the 40 yard line before Aquaman vaults off his trident and unhorses the rider. A bit of redemption for the pick, Dredd doesn’t look happy on the sidelines as he lets the Balrog step onto the field while his defense walks off.

The Balrog looms over the Terrors as V calls the play “Victor, Victor, Vogue, Valencia!” and accept the ball dropping back, checking his receiver, faking a handoff to Neo and bursts forwards, after a short gain, the vengeful vigilante is vanquished by the vile veins of the devil. The Balrogs whip cracks loudly as the Terrors line back up, V now realizing that the fire clad demon is much faster than it looks. Another false handoff to Neo, as V hits Red Robin for a first down before he is thrown out of bounds from dodging a fiery blade. As the Terrors work their way across the field, the Balrog keeps them from making big plays, but can’t keep them from short yard work and maintaining their first downs. Alucard and Dracula get a little thirsty, but a nod from Lestat lets them know that the manifestation of evil in front of them has only fire in its veins. V finally hands off to Death, who cares very little about the Balrog and his weapons, drives over the demon for a touchdown. Chernobog’s ire from earlier has cooled as Dracula kicks an extra point through the uprights. Terrors up 7-0

Both teams take the field for the next kickoff. Dracula flubs, yet again, as Chernobog struggles to control his size when his anger flares. This time the ball comes down into Carmen Sandiego’s arms as she voraciously vaults vertically over V and sticks the landing. She tips her hat gingerly at Red Hood and the Joker as she turns on the speed and outdistances most of the Terrors team. “Wooo! Lookit her go! Where’s she gittin to?!” Death collides with Carmen at the 20 yard line and swings his great scythe as bits of her red trenchcoat flutter into the air. Yet Carmen emerges on the opposite side of the pale horse and rider, and slips into the endzone without much ado. She bows, and taker a new coat from her spot on the sideline as Hawkeye fires an extra point through the uprights. Score is tied up at 7-7.

The Terrors receive from Hawkeye and Death takes the ball and charges forward. Death is finally drug down by the Silver Surfer at the 50 yard line, as the dust clears, Sonic is found near the Judged 45 yard line, laying unconscious and extremely pale.  Dredd yells at the refs, who say Sonic is just dehydrated and needs rest. Medic attempts a heal, but notices a pair of bite marks on the hedgehog’s neck.

The Balrog on the field again, V’s face in an eternal grin as he hands the ball off to Death for a quick gain. Working short plays and heavy ground game, the Terrors grind their way across the field until the Balrog, finally catching on, rips a pass to Deadpool out of the air and drives forward for a couple yards before the Terrors take him down by the ankles. The Balrog receives several cheers from his bench as he heads back over, but honestly he has no idea what they’re trying to get across.

Aquaman takes his offense to the field again, Aragorn coming in for the debilitated blue hedgehog. War trots on the field with a roar from the crowd. Less his crossbow, he’d been saving for the right moment with Sonic. They make several successful gains against the horseman before the clock rolls to the second quarter.

War continues to hold as Aquaman pushes against the horseman and his arsenal, but finally the Judged fail to convert on a 4th and 1, and kick the ball to the Terrors offensive corps. Deadpool cheers and begins to monologue as V reminds him a “veritable vastness of villainy” approached. He uses an image generator to disguise himself as the masked man and manages to pick up a long gain before Hawkeye got tired of this shit and started to fire boxing glove arrows. The Cylons come on as defense and shut down the Terrors running game, until Neo inadvertently takes a handoff and runs the opposite direction. Death swoops in and runs him down in the endzone, cutting down the traitorous player, spilling robotic guts across the endzone. Confused at the lack of a soul to collect, Death notices the Cylons celebrating the touchdown and begins to put 2 and 2 together. “Aawww! It was a Cylon! Ya’ll is a Cylon!” The redneck has only seen one episode of Battlestar Galactica. Hawkeye sends an extra point flying and kicks off again to the Terrors as the 2nd quarter begins to close. Judged up 14-7. “

Hawkeyes “kick”, consisting of a trick arrow with a football, sails high, catches a crosswind created by giant fan Deadpool has set up in the endzone, and lands short where Joker takes the ball and rushes forward into the core of the Mega City One Judged. As they slam him to the ground at the 50 yard line, Deadpool flips off the fan, and a green gas emanates from the green haired villain. The Judged offense, begins to laugh maniacally as Red Robin loops around them to the endzone. As the Judged offense takes to their bench, Judge Dredd doesn’t look near as amused. Dracula somehow manages to maintain his extra point kicking record and send another through the uprights. Tie game just before the half.

Facing another kickoff, with most of his bench rolling off the bench laughing, Dredd sends in his second string offense with Silver Surfer to round things out. Dracula’s kick off FINALLY makes good and Evelyn Carnahan catches the ball and makes a short gain. War keeps the Mega City crew on their side of the field as the time runs out. Halftime Score 14-14.

“Yeh, these here rookie teams be workin’ it hard fer the money out ther’!” The brain addled backcountryman states. “Here wit me at halftime is our guest commentryator, Bender. Bender, whatcha got to say about this game?”

“I’ll tell you what I think my drunken friend, this game needs a lot more killing. These meatbags are just flailing at each other out there. Now that War guy, he’s got it figured out. He’s out there, on a giant horse, hauling around weapons, he’s a total killing machine! And I know something about killing machines, used to date one. Ah yeah, she was a piece of work.” Bender stops a moment and recalls his time with the suicide booth. “Yeah, but anyway, more fighting, more killing, more War, and more biting my shiny metal ass.” Bender drops the microphone and struts away.
“Ya herd it here first folks, more War and more ass!”

Halftime ends and the teams come out of the locker room. Wirt seems to be carry a small book, and he hands it off to Judge Dredd, who flips through it. Terrors line up to receive, as Hawkeye nocks the ball/arrow combination. The “kick” goes up, and Death gets his hands on it, throttling Throttle on his way to the Judged 30 yard line. Already deep in Judged territory, V starts a run game against the Balrog whose fire whip keeps the running game to short bursts. After a short timeout and some kind of communication between the Balrog & Data, V drops back on a 3rd & 2, looking to hit Alcide running a route for a touchdown when the Balrog, who we think is tired of this shit, smacks V to the ground with the flame whip. The ever smirking man in black is goes down hard and is carted off the field. The Terrors have the ball on a 4th & 10 now, their starting QB looks to be out for the game. A look is shared between Chernobog, Death and War, as War suits up to take V’s place. 4th and 10, War doesn’t seem scared. The horseman lines up and calls the play as normal, the Balrog charges forward War fakes left and then rolls right, hauls back for screen pass to the Red Hood, when the Balrog plucks the ball from the air and collapses a few yards later. “Dayum! A sack and a take-a-way! Fire demon came to PLAY folks!” The Terrors sulk back to their bench, the chance for a big play, ruined by Durin’s Bane.

Alcide steps out to play defense for the Terrors, Chernobog knows it’s time for some payback. The chiseled wolf lines up against the Judged refreshed offense. The last we saw these guys, they were falling over themselves laughing thanks to a canister of Joker’s laughing gas. Aquaman takes the hike and throws to Medic coming across the center. The German doctor makes the catch and turns to run upfield, when he collides with the mass of werewolf. The doctor, Medi Gun, and ball all hit the ground. Alcide scoops up the ball and sprints downfield, dodging past Aquaman on the way to the Judged endzone. Dracula comes on to the field to make his extra point kick, giving the Terrors their first lead at 21-14 as the Judged only healer is carted off field. Dredd continues to flip through a book on the sideline as if he’s searching for something.

Dracula kicks to the Judged again. AGAIN, kicking AWFULLY. Throttle jumps to catch the ball midair and slides down at the Terrors 35 yard line. Already deep in enemy territory, the Judged are set up to eliminate the lead the Terrors have created. Alcide back in, just having gotten warmed up before lines up against Aquaman and his crew, joined by Evie in the Medic’s slot. Dredd has a quick conversation with Legolas before the snap. Aquaman plays it smart, working a close run game against the wolf, utilizing a handoff to Legolas who spots the open Aragorn and hits him with a quick pass to land an easy touchdown. A little vengeance for the Judged, bringing it back to 21-21 after the kick. Dredd hands the small book back to Wirt, who looks pleased with himself.

Hawkeye is summoned once more for the “kickoff” to the Terrors. But his kickoff is terrible as someone let Deadpool get back to his giant fan in the endzone. Throttl e rides past the kickoff team and trashes the fan, Deadpool narrates. Turns out, it was his favorite fan. The Red Hood gets his hands on the ball and takes it into Judged territory as Judge Dredd looks back to Wirt for the small book. The Balrog comes back to hold down the Terrors. War does NOT look amused this time. He sends a short pass to Deadpool, who gets the catch, and is subsequently crushed by the Balrog. As he’s pulls off field to let his healing factor fix him up, time runs out of the 3rd quarter.

War makes short work of the rest of their possession, hitting Death and Neo for handoffs and shovel passes to make their way into the endzone. Not settling for an extra point, War calls for the team to line up for the 2 point conversion attempt. Balrog stands firm and keeps the Terrors out, Chernobog is not happy with his new QB’s call. Terrors are still up 27-21.

The Judged know the clock is ticking, the kickoff from Dracula is average, but his best one yet today. Legolas takes the run up field to the 50 yard line. Aquaman calls the play and sends a pass to Carmen Sandiego. Carmen misses the pass completely, as Alcide tears into Aquaman with a brutal aggression. Aquaman is pulled from the field and given a bottle of water, whereas Alcide is tranquilized and removed from the field by the referees.

War rolls his eyes and nods to Death and Chernobog, taking the field in Alcide’s place. Death begins to prepare for his new role as QB with War back on defense and V down and out. Aragorn comes on to lead the Judged, with Data in as Running Back. The Judged offense struggles against War. Who seems to have a trick up his sleeve for any play they attempt. Hawkeye comes in to have to kick as the horsemen trade spots on the field with Death leading the Terrors offense now. Still up 27-21 as the 4th quarter ticks away.

The Balrog comes back in to play defense as Death and Neo keep the fire demon on his toes. The running game of the Terrors begins to eat up the clock. The Balrog looks frantic, his sideline order getting angrier as Judge Dredd flips through the book on the sideline and throws it back at Wirt. The Balrog takes a swing at Death, unhorsing him as he goes by, as Neo sneaks around the back with the ball in hand. As the clocks runs down time literally slows down as Neo dodges the flame sword from Durin’s Bane, and he lands in the endzone. Dredd orders his team off the field and doesn’t bother to defend the kick for a final extra point as the game is finished. The Terrors judge the Judges, 34-21.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

A story about the Eels, the New Scum, love making, and unapologetic violence.

Major Commissioner is psyched. “ALRIGHT! We got TWO old school teams bringing their old school game up in this new school arena! You wanted football? You’re getting THIS INSTEAD! We’ve match the top preseason ranked teams from the Arneson and Gygax conferences in one BRUTAL game! Spider Jerusalem vs the ever cunning Eels! We’ll go to Skipper on the field. Skipper?”

Skipper is literally drooling.  “AAWW YEAH! It’s going DOWN today! Lookit Carol Ferris?! Dayum. And Buffy is looking PRIME! WOO! It’s gonna git hot in here!”

Spider walks up with Neil in tow for the coin flip. Lt. Columbo is partnered with Carol Ferris as they walk up. NPH straightens his tie. He’s wearing a charcoal Armani suit, displaying the full Barney Stintson, Carol is looking lovely tonight in a Vince Camuto number in a lavender hue. The two look stare each other down as Spider and Columbo exchange pleasantries, well, as pleasant as Spider gets. The coin is flipped. The Eels will receive.

Skipper is estactic “Oh Dayum! Did ya’ll see them lookit each other? It’s going DOWN tonight! Spider & Columbo are not friendly!” The redneck has NO idea about the silent exchange between NPH & Carol.

The teams line up, Malcolm Reynolds rolls out his ankle “Well, here’s to another year of this mess.” He charges forward and kicks the ball, sailing to the Eels backfield backs, Snake Eyes catches the ball and silently moves out. He jukes past Spider and the brothers McManus, kick flips off Captain America’s shield, and downs the ball to avoid being sliced in half by Brienne of Tarth. “Knights and Ninjas! This gonna be FUN!” the redneck hoots.

As the teams go to each side, scenes unfold on separate ends of the field. Neil Patrick Harris and Carol Ferris are rolling in one endzone, articles of clothing are flying in each direction. Snake Eyes snaps his finger and Carol looks up, confused, grins at the actor and walks off. NPH is blue balled. In the opposing endzone, Samauri Jack seems to have encountered Black Adam. His experience with beings of supernatural nature seems to have paid off. The Eels Tight End lays in the endzone holding his entrails in. Samurai Jack seems to be bruised, but in good spirits. “We ain’t saw the last of ANY of this I reckon!”

The New Scum have a seat while Lobo cracks his neck. It’s fraggin go time. As the Czarnian walks on the field, the rookie Aqualad, Jax Hyde, taunts him. He obviously wants a piece of the main man.

The Atom lines up behind center, the smartest pick the Eels have made for a quarterback yet, Zorro comes in for the wounded Black Adam, who refused any assistance getting to the bench. The ball is hiked, suddenly a bubble appears around Lobo, and he seem sluggish as he runs after the carrier. He catches Snake Eyes after a short gain. The Atom, not messing with a system that works, continues to play short passes and runs against the sluggish Lobo until he carries them into the endzone. As the extra point goes up from Demoman and explodes into fireworks, Lobo seems to have a sideline conversation with his coach concerning his issues.

Eels up 7-0, the two teams take to the field for the next possession. Demoman fires a ball up, and Murphy McManus makes the catch. Charging forward, the running back is drug down by Snake Eyes at his 40 yard line. The Goonies lead their friend, The Hulk, onto the field.

Spider takes the hike, waits for Hulk to get close before dodging past and hitting Brienne for a pass. She’s quickly surrounded by the children and drug down. She looks confused on whether or not she should draw her sword on them. After a couple plays, and a few converted first down, the bulk of the Hulk stops the New Scum’s offensive drive. Malcolm comes in and kicks a field goal, settling for 3 points over the 7. The New Scum start to devise a new plan against the Eels capable offense.

Another drive with Lobo in the bubble, and another touchdown for the Eels as the 1st quarter ends. 14-3 for the Eels.

The second quarter is actually just good football, Black Adam comes back in, but the New Scum eat up enough time with the ball, they’re able to get 2 possessions to the Eels 1. Each team scores on each drive, no issues, no injuries, but you can tell the Atom & Spider are feeling each other out. The offenses are balanced, Hulk has gotten madder, and Lobo is struggling. The teams hit the locker room 21-17 Eels up.

As the teams head out of the locker room, the Eels look charged up and ready to finish the game. Carol has changed out of her evening gown into her traditional Lantern attire. The New Scum look focused, they know they’ve got a close game, and a mad Hulk. Spider must have a plan.
Demoman with the “kickoff” and Neil comes up with the ball. Rushing into the madness, he avoids Black Adam, Uncle Sam and John Moore with a little help from his friends, jukes past Carol throwing her a wink as he does so, she blushes slightly, he grins and slams into Jax Hyde. Who is then smacked over the head with a coffin by Django. The Aqualad goes out on a stretcher to Jozan while the New Scum take a harsh penalty for the personal foul. Django gets a warning, since Spider is able to convince the ref that his momentum carried him into Jax, who made no attempt to dodge. Neil’s heavy gain is pushed back to the 40 yard line, doubling Spider’s distance to the goal. Doubling the chance an angry Hulk could get his hands on him. Making use of a suggestion from Malcolm, Spider goes with short confusing runs between himself, Murphy, and Neil until they’re close enough to the end zone to let Cap take a screen pass. 24-21, New Scum with their first lead. But they’re also about to kick the ball back to The Atom and Company.

Malcolm kicks, Carol receives, Neil tackles. 60 offensive yards between The Atom and retaking his lead. It’s anyone’s game.

Lobo comes back out for the New Scum, in hopes that Jax having went down makes things a little easier. That idea doesn’t pan out as now Black Adam is a pain in the Czarnian’s rear. Black Adam’s focus ability shuts down Lobo’s efficiency, making him result to using the chain for some distance tackles. In the end, Zorro making a crazy forward pass play to Snake Eyes results in a touchdown. Demo man “kicks” fireworks go off, the shape of a bottle of liquor. “Yeah! That guy loves his hooch!” The redneck cheers as he takes a sip from his own, similar, bottle. Eels back up, 28-24.
Demoman kicks off again to the New Scum, the ball sailing to Spider, who rolls right with Samurai Jack and they move up the right sideline. Brienne gets into a tousle with Snake Eyes, the Eels leader in tackles on kickoffs at this point. Harris catches an ankle on Carol and smacks that ass as he gets up. At about the 40 yard line, Spider nods, and Jack splits off making a B-line to Black Adam. The samurai leaps and spins, the two players connect and both go down in a heap. Spider takes the kickoff back for a touchdown amidst the chaos. Hulk smashes a bench over his head. The New Scum make a crazy fake extra point play, and throw it to Cap for a 2 point conversion. New Scum take back the lead 32-28 now.

The New Scum kick to the Eels. Snake eyes takes a long stroll downfield and ends up on the New Scum 30 yard line. The Eels aren’t fooling around at this point.

The Atom sets back and throws to Carol, but a chain & sickle knock the ball out of the air, and into Lobo’s hands, he gets nowhere before the Eels leap on him as the 4th Quarter rolls around. And Lobo is drug off the field with Spider cursing at him “It’s about frappin’ time, you last of your race dimwit.”

The New Scum offense lines up against an enraged Hulk and a bunch of delightful kids. Buffy comes in for Samurai Jack, who’s still out cold on the sidelines. As Spider hikes the ball, she charges forward at the Hulk and wraps her arms around his neck, kissing him on the cheek. “HULK!” She shouts “We can leave all this, today, right now, lets go!” The green giant stops in his tracks, and stares at her. “HULK…STOP SMASH NOT SPIDER-SPIDER-MAN?” Spider Jerusalem rolls his eyes hard at the fact we was just referred to in such a way. “Yes, we don’t have to do this anymore, we can just leave, and hunt vampires, together.” Spider doesn’t even move the ball, everything hinges on this answer. He knows something is about to turn to mush, either his teammate, or the Hulk’s heart. “HULK SMASH VAMPIRES FOR YOU PRETTY GIRL.” And he leaps high as the two bound off, out of the arena. Columbo calls an immediate time out, Chunk & Sloth roll up and make the tackle as Spider tries to sneak past the line for a short gain.

Columbo gets his team together, benches the Goonies, and draws a wild card for his defense. John Moore suits up. In all his rage fed, Red Lantern glory, he takes the field against the diminished offense of the New Scum. Captain America takes a seat and hands his shield off to Deathstroke, who takes up Cap’s slot position, Django lines up next to him to replace Jack as Tight End.

Spider makes his new offense work, Rankorr doesn’t give in though. Deathstroke takes a pass and runs down the sideline, the Rage Lantern decks the shield toting terminator and Deathstroke goes down hard. Spider curses, his latest plan foiled. Cap takes his shield and position back as the New Scum line up for the first down. Rankorr takes his warning and the New Scum penetrate deep into Eels territory before Spider connects with NPH for a much needed touchdown. Extra point goes up and is good. 39-28, the New Scum winning early in the 4th.

Columbo nods to Atom. Snake Eyes gets the kick deep into New Scum territory quick, the 35 yard line. Brienne of Tarth sets up as defense. Jax Hyde is back on the field, Atom calls for a different type of play. Brienne has NO idea what happens as a series of passes blasts between Jax, Zorro, the Atom, and Snake Eyes, before connecting with Carol in the endzone. “Holy Shit folks! You see that? That play ain’t even legal in 7 states!” Columbo holds for a moment, score at 39-34, does he kick, or try for the conversion? 36 points is risky to achieve, but makes the game tieable with a stop, and a field goal. 35 points will require a touchdown.

Columbo looks at his team, Jax is back. The Atom is feeling strong, not having played much yet this quarter, his opponent missing several players, he motion for the kick. “Heh, go big or go home” he chuckles.

Demoman sends up a ball that explodes into a shockingly accurate pornographic image after clearing the posts. 39-35, New Scum still up, take the field to receive. Spider is grasping at straws and cursing up a storm. Deathstroke is down, that was his 4th quarter plan. Lobo is out. Buffy is gone, but she took the Hulk with her. And Jack is still unconscious. He fields Django again at Tight End, and Ulrich at Wide Reciever, hoping his armor might keep him up through this drive.

Demoman kicks down the field, Neil takes the ball for a short run before the intensity of the Eels bears him down at his own 35 yard line.

Spider has a lot of field, but only time to kill, he works his angles, hitting Django for several short passes, sending one to Ulrich for a first down, who would have been wounded in the tackle from Rankorr, had it not been for his armor. Spider, seeing that Rankorr is only another play or so from knocking another teammate out, settles for a kick on a 4th & short. Hoping to keep the Eels stagnant in the last seconds of the game. 42-35

Malcolm kicks well back to the Eels, but Snake Eyes gets to the New Scum 45 before the brothers McManus stop him.“Columbo’s gotta git a touchdown like a stripper’s gotta buy formula!” The redneck remarks. Columbo nods to Atom, they’ve saved back special plays, just in case. They’d hoped they’d never have to use them in the first game though. Zorro lining up again where Black Adam once was. The Atom hikes, and runs straight towards Brienne of Tarth, steel bared, Spider screaming on the sidelines to “gut the bastard and take the ball” her blade moves like water, an extension of her arm as the fine edge whistles against the air. She’s trained for this moment her entire life, taking out of opponent means a definite win for her team. The bulk of her armor steadies her momentum, she’s centered, ready, focused like a tiger ready to pounce for the kill. Her eyes glare at her target, the short man is not unattractive, the strange heraldry on his chest is unknown to her, likely another up-jumped hedge knight. She can see where her sword is going to strike, cut through the fabric of his uniform, bone, muscle, straight into his chest, she doesn’t intend to kill the man, but he’ll know he was in a fight, and he’ll never forget her name. This blow, and her father might finally be proud of her. She might finally gain the love and respect of the lord of the Sapphire Isle. “Fer the love of god! HIT HIM.” Skipper cries.

Ray Palmer is physicist, one of the world’s top scientific minds. He knows he could never hope to go toe to toe with this woman before him. She could give Diana a run for her money on size and strength, hell, for all he knows, she might BE Amazonian. But where she grew up with brawn, he grew up with brains. And he knows better than to fight brawn, with brawn he doesn’t have. So Ray Palmer, the Atom, simply shrinks himself down to the near molecular level, with the ball in hand, and runs forward as the clocks runs out. “The hell did he go?!” Shouted the redneck commentator, confused, yet again.

Brienne catches only air. Gasping at the space her enemy was, she knows some sorcery is obviously afoot. She sees a flicker of movement at her feet, and chases the tiny many across the field, chopping at him constantly, ungracefully, with her bastard sword. The Atom so small, shes unable to actually connect with him, the clock buzzes, she increases the speed of her chopping, her lungs on fire, her pauldrons screeching with each awkward chop, dirt gouging from the ground and flying into the air. Finally, she hacks up a bit of colored grass, and realizes the Atom has made it to the end zone. She has failed. The Atom grows back to normal size, and sincerely puts a hand on her shoulder. He regretted having to diminish one as noble as this woman, but it had to be done. New Scum 42-41. Columbo has to decide. Extra point for the tie and overtime? Or try the conversion for the win?

Spider has nearly gone hoarse, he’s his 5th cigarette of the possession.
Columbo goes for the conversion.

Spider sends in Neil Patrick Harris, seating the exhausted knight. The Atom goes back far and throws to Zorro, Neil dives in for the tackle, but is caught in another aquatic force field as Jax grins and takes a forward pass from Zorro. Seeing Carol feet from the endzone, he lobs the ball easily into her hands.

The Eels, with the last play, after time expired, pull it out 43-42. The New Scum, nearly having caused an upset, leave the field upset.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Ghost Peppers get catty with the Guardians

“We got more newbies playing now. Some hot pepper team, and some guys who guard stuff. We don’t know nothing bout them yet, but it’s gon be a good time!”

The two teams meet up on the field, Two-Face and Han Solo with Asmodeus, the Coach of the Ghost Peppers, and The Flash with his coach. The coin goes up, but everyone knows how it’ll work out, the Ghost Peppers win the toss, and will receive. The Bregan D’aerthe get ready for combat.

Before the teams separate, Calvin, a six year old boy pulls a box up between the two teams. He begins to hand out stuffed tigers to everyone. He explains that the tiger is everyones new best friend, for the entirety of the game, and to NOT LET THEM GET HURT. I mean, you shouldn’t hurt your friends right? With a sidelong glance at Batman, Calvin distributes the tigers. “The hell, whys all them stuffed animals out there? Whats he planning?” The redneck is obviously and often confused.
Darkseid grins holding his stuffed tiger close to his side as he kicks the ball to the Ghost Peppers. He then stops and calls forth the power of the new gods to strike down those who think themselves above himself. A flash of light hits Two Face as he catches the ball and runs forward, running headlong into Predator. As Two Face hits the ground, he falls on his pet tiger, as he gets up he forgets it and Calvin collects it.

Without much of a run, Two Face takes the hike, facing down the ever dangerous dastardly dark elves of the D’aerthe. He rushes forward doesn’t attempt to hand the ball off to Spider Man or Goro, both of whom are at the ready. The Bregan D’aerthe are delighted and knock the villain over. Asmodeus sees something is wrong with Two Face, and quickly subs Batman. Who walks in carrying his pet tiger. The Bregan D’aerth see a new quarterback, and decide to keep him off his toes. As the ball is hiked, a globe of darkness encompasses Batman. The Ghost Peppers step back, not sure what to do, as two members of the merc guild enter the globe, and are quickly dispatched and thrown back out. “Aww dayum! You see that? They got batmanned! WOOO! You don’t turn out the lights on the dark knight son!” Superman takes the opportunity to fly past the Bregan and Batman sends a hard pass to the Kryptonian before he clumsily sails out of bounds. First down, no problem.

Batman isn’t used to running this offense, Two Face had taken most of the practice snaps. But he knew what needed to be done. He lines up a short pass to Spiderman, but gets intercepted by the fast moving dark elves. They gain a few yards before spider man webs him up and takes him down.
Offenses switch, Flash has no idea why he has a tiger, but he’s perfectly comfortable with the idea. He recalls reading the comic strip Calvin & Hobbs when he was young. Suddenly, he feels something move in his arm, as his tiger looks up at him and asks “Hey, what kinda play we gonna run here?” Mouth agape, Flash whispers a reply to the tiger, and it nestles down against him and helps count the snap. Ball in hand, Flash looks for Frodo who takes the handoff and a side route with Flash faking to the opposite. Flash acts like his tiger is going to attack the Unsullied. The tiger growls and scratches fiercely at the air as Frodo disappears from sight. The Unsullied chase after Flash and his toy tiger, when the ref announces a touchdown. And Frodo stands in the end zone, with his tiger, putting something back into his pocket.

Asmodoeus is angry. A turnover, his QB out, and a touchdown. This isn’t a great start. Goro catches the kick as Calvin sends one sailing, Goro’s tiger is safely in one hand, ball tucked in the other, as he begins to crash through the Guardians ranks. Until suddenly, after knocking past Frodo, Kirby stands there, welcoming Goro, and consumes him, then spits him out, growing an extra set of arms. The ball is down.

Batman comes in to run the offense again. Two Face is flipping his coin on the sideline, but he always forgets to catch it. Batman’s offense takes pieces out of the Guardians D. The dark elves can’t keep up with the caped crusader. They’re not picking up any kind of a pattern. They’re able to keep Batman busy, but the cowled hero gets his touchdown. Calvin kicks the extra point, and sends a punt back to the Guardians. Time is getting low in the 1st quarter, when Predator catches the ball and disappears from sight. Goro jumps at the empty air. Spiderman fires at points hoping to catch the alien, when he turns up in the end zone. Goal Guardians. “Oh Dayum! You see that?! Bet you didn’t!” The redneck thinks his joke is funny. The 1st quarter ends.

Darkseid kicks an extra point and boots a punt over, his own tiger tucked into his belt looks up and asks “Hey, why aren’t we taking over the universe right now? This is boring. Can we get to work on the anti-life equation?” The new god stops to discuss this rather interesting matter with the stuffed tiger as his punt lands with Spider Man. Who’s own tiger has started trying to bite him “Rawr! I’m Kraven the Hunter!” Spiderman webs the mouth shut of the tiger and takes the ball across the field. He’s stopped by Hong Kong Phooey at the 50 yard line. “What do you MEAN you’re Kraven? This is messed up. You didn’t even set off my spider sense!” He exclaims to the muted tiger. He pulls back the webbing to hear it laughing “oh c’mon that was a joke. You don’t joke much do you Pete?” Eyes wide, Spiderman webs the toy mouth shut again, and takes his place in the lineup. Batman takes the hike and connects to Han. Then again to D. Methodically making his way down the field. Before he gets stopped down at the 20 yard line. Superman was supposed to fly a cross route, but instead he ran it, with nobody open, the Caped Crusader was tackled while trying to protect the ball and his tiger. Calvin boots a kick and celebrates the point with his own tiger. Another kick sails to the Guardians, Flash catches it and checks the time, seeing only seconds left on the clock, he gets risky and cranks up the speed. Whipping past everyone but Superman who sees the play coming, but completely misses the tackle on Flash. The end zone dance is so fast, nobody can see it.

As the 1st half ends. Kyle Broflovsky runs up to Calvin, “hey, giving everyone these tigers was really cool. Mine talks though, is that supposed to happen?” Calvin laughed “that just means you’re doing it right!” as he runs to the locker room. “This here game, is clearly the weirdest thing to happen all day ya’ll. Clearly.” The redneck is more baffled than normal.

As the teams leave the locker rooms, the Unsullied take the field against the Guardians crazy modes of play. Flash is now having normal conversation with his tiger, it helps him with the hikes while the Unsullied left theirs in the locker room. Noticing this, Calvin goes in and collects it. The Unsullied aren’t prepared for the opening play as Raiden extends his hands overhead and drops lightning down on the slave fighters. They fall to the ground, fried crispy, as Flash takes another ball across, letting his tiger spike the ball for him.

28-10, Asmodeus is furious. It’s only logical that this child knows something he doesn’t. Batman is relinquished of duty as Calvin is told to take over as quarterback. Batman sits glumly on the sideline, as his tiger looks up at him and asks “Why do we fall down Master Bruce?”

Calvin grins, and sets his tiger directly in front of him. He checks Spiderman & Goro, Han & Superman, D is prepped to go, when the hike takes place. The Bregan D’aerthe have been told to win, no matter what, so they tear towards the six year old with steel brandished. Suddenly, the toy tiger that was on the ground, has been replaced with a hulking dire tiger, and it is shredding through their line. As the Bregan move out of the way, to let the raging tiger get through, they see Calvin gripping its tail as it runs the boy to the endzone. Calvin hugs the toy tiger, nobody has ANY idea what the hell is going on. The Bregan D’Aerthe bring their tiger out on the field next time. They’re pretty excited now. Batman goes in to kick for Calvin on the extra point, and lets the kid know he did well.  On the kick, D corners the Cheshire Cat and drains its blood. Hong Kong Phooey delivers a flying kick to the vampire hunters head. The stretchers come to haul the cat and his tiger off the field (the tiger gets his own stretcher).  Kyle continues to talk with Calvin when the Guardians are on offense, the two becoming fast friends. Kyle’s tiger is named “Snappers” and it has wings. Nobody besides the boys can see this.

The Guardians look to extend their lead while the 3rd quarter wraps up. Kyle Broflovski takes over for The Cheshire Cat, and Flash hits Smaug up high for a flyby that would have ended as a Touchdown had Han Solo not made a one in a million shot to down Smaug. Han’s tiger, to him, looks like a wookie/tiger combo and it keeps making Chewbacca noises in his ear. But thankfully his breath is better. Smaug ate his tiger, Calvin can’t go get it. Another couple plays with the Stainless Steel Rat in for Smaug, who, without a stretcher, is resting on the sidelines with White Mage attending to him. SSR hits an open hole with the Unsullied and slips in for a short touchdown run. He seems to high five his tiger in the end zone. It looks really awkward, and Calvin can tell, Slippery Jim is playing along, but he can’t really see it.

Calvin and the Ghost Peppers (great band name) line back up to stay in the game. Imhotep summons up a stand storm to let Calvin hand off to Goro, who pounds through the storm and emerges with points on the other side. “Aw, hell, no defense is no good anymore. Might as well let the tigers play it.” The Ghost Peppers are within 4, but the Guardians have the ball again. This time Calvin comes in as defense for the Ghost Peppers with his tiger. Both of them stand at the line of scrimmage, Calvin making growling noises as Flash takes the hike and takes a route, finding himself face to face with a Rakshasa. Calvin cackles. The Flash is carted off the field by a stretcher shortly thereafter, and White Mage gets to work on the sideline. Flash insists his tiger be healed also. The plays continue, Predator having only seen Calvin throw a tiger at Flash’s face, isn’t too worried, until he runs into the dire tiger from earlier and it pounces on him causing a loss of yardage. 3rd and long, Kyle runs up to Calvin and sets his tiger down beside Calvin and asks that the game be stopped. Kyle then going into a monologue as the time outs are charge to the Guardians. Kyle goes on about age, and how so many of us are too busy to imagine anymore, and how everyone takes this game too seriously and nobody thinks anything negative about the crazy commissioner man who runs this whole fragging thing (Kyle’s mom wants to know where he learned that word). Calvin pats him on the back, and says “Thanks for understand man, but we have to finish this game.” Kyle nods picks up his tiger and runs back to his spot on the line. As the ball is hiked, Stainless Steel Rat makes eye contact with Kyle, who gives him a confident look, and nods “yes”. As Calvin and his Rakshasa charge, Stainless Steel Rat lobs a short pass to Kyle, whos tiger turns into a giant winged celestial tiger named “Snappers” and Calvin cheers as they fly into the end zone. And time runs out. "Some jewish boy just CAUGHT A RIDE, on a toy cat, and done flew into the end zone. I don't got nothing else to say folks." The commentator takes off his headset and walks out of the media room.

Asmodeus is furious. Kyle and Calvin are dancing with stuffed tigers in the end zone. The players look at each other in confusion, something happened here today. And nobody seems to understand it. The sidelines empty to locker rooms, as the Guardians take the Ghost Peppers 42-24. 

The Impalers impale, the Leviathans leave.

“We got 2 old school teams here, I didn’t go to school with them though. The Leviathuns are gonna kick ass and chew juicy fruit. Them Paalers are more of the thinkin kinda team. So I don’t know what they’ll do. WOO FOOTBALL!”

The teams meet midfield, the cloaked summoner from the Leviathans is quiet as Conquest speaks for him. Iroque comes up with Trunks who’s hair is purple at the moment, much to the chagrin of the brothers Winchester who know what the Saiyan is capable of. The coin goes up, and the Impalers will receive. “WOOO! We gonna see somebody die now!” The redneck commentator begins to shovel popcorn into his mouth.

Pinhead kicks, the ball sails high, but not far. Glenn Rhee takes the kickoff and heads up the field. He weaves deftly, keeping clear of Kratos, Venom and the Terminator as finally the horsemen Conquest and Famine corner him and he goes down at the Leviathans 40 yard line. Impalers offense takes the field.

Trunks, a new QB to the league, looks left and right, hits a quick handoff to the Grey Mouser who makes Glenn’s moves look like childsplay as he weaves through the Urak-hai. For a quick touchdown to start the game. Parallax “kicks”. However that works, and the Impalers prep to kickoff to the Levaithans.

Leviathans have Famine and Conquest linedup to take the kickoff. As the ball sails through the air Iroque glows a deep indigo and the field is flooded with compassion. Half of the players on the Leviathans collapse immediately, suddenly overwhelmed at the lives they’ve blindly taken over the decades. Venom, before SHIELD took him in, was guilty of so much killing. So much blood on his hands, all their hands. Famine and Conquest seem unaffected, they simply are what they are. There’s no reason to get worked up about lives lost. People starve daily. Victory sometimes requires someone to lose a life. They tear across the field on the Impalers. Conquest is in his element, riding down his opponent one after the other, until Parallax unhorses him and sends him flying several yards back. The Leviathans will take it from their 45 yard line. “WOOO! Did you see that? He’s like all *insert strange horse riding noise here* and then that there yellow guy was like ‘Nope’ and smack!  YEEHAW!” For some reason, this tickles the commentator to no end.

Larfleeze attempts to climb aboard the horse Conquest was knocked from. But it kicks him off as he shouts “MIIINNEE” and lands on his behind. He gathers his lantern and goes to the sideline as The Hand takes the field. Conquest and Famine are steel eyed. But they can tell their comrades have lost some of their fervor. Freddy looks like he might be dreaming himself, Pinhead doesn’t look ready to kill, Kratos doesn’t even has his blades out, Venom looks slightly emaciated, even the Terminator doesn’t have his normal angry look. The horsemen share a look, and know they’ll have to shoulder the load against these ninjas. The ball is hiked, the horsemen tear forth into the ninjas driving several yards before a chain is strung out and knocks both horsemen from their saddles. This won’t go easily, they glance to the Elder God beside them, the only one here who might be older than them. He nods silently. The ball is hiked, and the air on the opposing side of the line of scrimmage seems to shudder and shake as The Hand’s members fall to the ground stricken by some invisible force. The horsemen ride to the endzone without any resistance. The extra point is good and the game is tied. “Them Palers are gonna make the Leviathuns work for this one. No mass murdering today!”

The Impalers gather together for the kickoff, for some reason allowed the muted Deadpool to catch the ball in the backfield. The horsemen charge hard. Violator and Red Hulk hot on their tails. The Merc-without-a-mouth, holds back for 2 moments, then lunges forwards and his body is covered in fire as he begins to spin and fly forward tearing through the Leviathans for another quick score. Trunks hasn’t even got to work yet, and the score is 14-7 Impalers. Parallax kicks another time for the extra point, then again down the field to the Leviathans. Conquest and Famine gallop up the field until Trucks knocks Conquest out of his seat. Finally, getting to earn his keep.

Conquest readies his men. Tries to get them worked up as the 2nd quarter begins. And they slowly begin to react a little. Terminator first, throwing a few elbows here and there as he drives his short passes into converted field goals. Not exactly his normal furious self, but better at least. The Leviathans get close enough for a kick and accept it. The clock is their friend here, they need to buy time so the witches blue light magic can weaken further. Pinhead kicks, showing a little more gusto. And Larfleeze catches the kickoff. John McClane, beside Larfleeze, shouts “I’m going to take that ball from you!” and begins to chase his own teammate. Larfleeze reacts as you’d expect by smacking him upside the head with a power battery. Making it easy for Famine to stop the Orange Lantern as he yells “MINE! MINE!” constantly. Back by where the Leviathans had started, Violator is seen laughing watching John McClane get up and wonder what hit him.

Trunks gets to finally take over the offense. Splitting passes between Gleen Rhee who takes big strides before the Urak-Hai get him out of bounds, and the Gray Mouser, who takes a moment to shiv them every once in a while. The Urak-Hai flood of orcs never ceases though. The head orc in the center grunts something different, Sam hears the different in the guttural language and yells out to Trunks. The Saiyan nods and drops back far as the orcs blitz hard, as the horde comes at him, he charges up and slams through them, an easy first down, on a charge that results in another touchdown for the Impalers.

Conquest speaks with his coach, the orcs simply aren’t effective. There’s a better option, and it needs to be exercised, and now. The summoner understands, and motions for Red Hulk to begin getting warmed up. Which results in him getting angry and very warm. The Impalers kick their extra point, and Conquest takes another ball to the 50 yard line with the kickoff. They need to score now to stay in this before halftime. Conquest begins a series of screen passes to Famine, getting Cthulhu involved as well, driving down the field for a touchdown and risky two point conversion as the half ends.
The redneck at the media table looks bored. “They said there’d be blood and guts. All I see is horseshit.”

The Leviathans exit the locker room looking less than delighted. Terminator finally looks right to wreck something. The horror flick stars and the symbiotes aren’t quite as excitable. The Impalers kick off to the Leviathans, Conquest catches the ball and rides forward, when suddenly he is struck from his horse by Venom. The ball goes loose at Violators feet, but he hesitates moving towards it, as he seems to be staring at Venom who is lashing about wildly with Cthulhu now. Trunks drops from the sky and sweeps up the ball, taking the fumble in for a touchdown. As Venom snaps out of his possession he strides over to Violator demanding an explanation. Violator pales, as much as a clown can, and looks at the emotional entity of fear hovering around midfield. If could Parallax could look smug, that’s what he’d look like. The emotional entity leave to prep for his extra point kick.
After another solid kick, the Leviathans find themselves down by 10. Conquest is angry. Violator is exhausted from having his mind ravaged by Parallax. Famine wants a cookie. But there’s still a game to play. Conquest and Famine get back out on the field, working Terminator and Cthulhu again Terminator finally lashing out and taking some ninjas out for extra yards needed for a first down. The Leviathans are winning the “time of possession” game here, and we’re not talking mental. But the Impalers turnaround is too fast. The drive ends in a touchdown, making it a 3 point game. But, the drives takes a lot of time off the board, and the 4th quarter begins.

As the Impalers begin their drive, Harry Dresden makes a funny hand motion a the Red Hulk, who’s been much better than the previous orcs, or was, until he falls backwards incapacitated. John McClane runs a TD over the top of the Hulk.

The rogues gallery is finally up to snuff again. Terminator is locked and loaded. Baraka comes in to play Tight End for Freddy, who still isn’t up for slashing. And the kick goes up to the Leviathans. Conquest with the catch, and Baraka takes up his flank, opposing Famine. The Gray Mouser gets close, blades flash, and the Mouser stops, holding his arm. McClane tries to climb up the horse and takes a gauntleted fist to his face. Glenn Rhee tries for a heroic leap, and lands too close for comfort on Baraka. Conquests horse is finally called down, but medics come out for Glenn and the Mouser. McClane waves them off and says he’s fine, another broken nose, but he’s getting too old for this shit.

Sam can quickly deduce that the Indigo Lanterns light has lost its effect on Terminator and Baraka, and it likely never effected the horsemen. He glances to his brother, who shakes his head and leaves the arena. Conquest drives his team like a slaver up the middle of the field. The hand proving resistant, but not enough. Until suddenly, at the 10 yard line, the ball is hiked and the Hand is nowhere to be seen. An engine revs, and from behind Dean Winchester slams his car into Conquest and Famines horses, crippling them both. Conquest comes off the horse, ball in hand, and is thusly sacked. With minutes left to go, the Leviathans have to settle for a field goal.

The subsequent kick to the Impalers leaves the ball in McClane’s hands, who encounters a vapid Michael Myers and is taken down. Michael seems to have left his knife, and Conquest bans him to the bench. The Impalers offensive power is too much for the Urak-Hai, but they purposely drag their feet to run out the clock, with their last score. Impalers take it 28-42. Iroque is named MVP for the game. Conquest destroys the locker room in his rage.

Grail Knights consume the Lions

“Sheet, this arena is cray cray up in here wit dis game! The Lions been givin’ away Batman masks and capes!” The redneck commentator is running in circles wearing said mask and cowl. “SWORE TO ME! Hehehe, ITS GAME TIME!”

Tywin Lannister clad in burnished gold breastplate steps onto the field, unbidden, his son Tyrion follows to the coin toss. The subject of much ire last season, Lord Voldemort, joins them. The quarterback for the Lions. The Grail Knights send Lancer, who is a seasoned veteran of many seasons in the league. Kirei Kotomine, a dangerous magus walks alongside him. The toss goes up, the Grail Knights will receive.

Jamie Lannister lines up to kick, Iskandar and Wolverine as ready downfield for the catch. He runs forward, the ball goes up the game begins. Iskandar calls out to his mutant teammate, and takes the ball. Wolverine, claws ready, runs in front of him to guard. Avoiding the majority of the team, Iskandar falls into a spell trap placed by Hermione. Who is ever so pleased with herself and is already walking off the field. A small section of house elves cheers for the young wizardress. “Little lady brought her homeless friends, now ain’t that sweet? Grails Knights are taking the field! Time to watch the Kingsguard what they do!”

Lancer steps out. Another year, another season. He surrounded by familiar faces, Magneto, Blackbeard, that…cube thing, and of course Iskandar. Damn him. The boisterous idiot. Lancer takes the hike and sends a bomb downfield to Mr. Fantastic, for a huge gain. Lancer smirks, take another hike and preps another throw to Reed. As Reed “steps” downfield a Kingsguard member throws a shield at Reed’s catching hand, causing the ball to deflect back to the knight. He turns and get a few yards with the interception before Magneto slams him to the ground with his power.

Voldemort is delighted, this is a new positon for him. And his new coach is ENCOURAGING the type of killing he wants to do. He lines up under center and throws a screen pass to Gregor Clegane, who is promptly thrown off his feet by Killer Croc, who seems to be wearing earplugs. “Hell, I didn’t know crocs HAD ears!”  The next pass goes to Tyrell, who, sword drawn, slams into Killer Croc and bounces back off him. The gain is good enough for a first down. The drive continues. The dark wizard is surprised at how spry his muggle teammates are, and how voluptuous the one in red is, he sends a pass sailing to her as Killer Croc knocks her aside, intercepts and charges. The dark wizard throws a spell or two, stuns aren’t working, Clegane and Tyrell’s blades bounce off his skin. Lara can’t get a grip to use jujitsu, so Killer Croc steadily saunters in to score. With the Lions players still hacking at him trying to take him down. Killer Croc has done as Kirei told him. Take the ball back. Take it here. But not more instructions were given. The massive reptilian monster sees a familiar sight, he sees several. “What the hell is that lizard’s problem?” Killer Croc begins to thrash about, the batman cowls in the audience, are they mocking him? BATMAN. Loras and CJ are caught in the frenzy, Loras take a harsh swipe to his side, blow flows freely from his sundered breastplate. CJ, is picked up overhead, and slung into the audience, where they’re delighted to catch her. As Killer Croc climbs into the audience, everyone flees and cowls are left everywhere.

“Tyrion, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you were behind this shenanigan.” Tywin muttered coldly.
“Father, you wound me, would I play on the sensibilities of a murderous repile?” Tyrion retorts.
“Either way, it didn’t seem to go well for us, someone patch up Loras, he won’t be playing any more today.” Tywin commanded.

The Grail Knights kick the ball to the Lions. Lara Croft takes the kickoff and runs it back closing in on the endzone with only Wolverine between herself and it. Lara throws a wink at the berserker and his demeanor, for a moment, softens. Hearing Gregor behind her keeping her defended, he cups the cheek of the frozen mutant. “Man out of time, what kind of hidden treasure are you?” Wolverine is stunned “Listen dame, you don’t want to get close to me, anyone who does…” Lara ignore the monologue rolling the hand on his cheek down to his shoulder and leaping over the clawed mutant she returns the kickoff and runs back to her sideline while an enraged Wolverine finds out he was just had. “WWOOO! He got burned! Regen don’t work on no hurt pride!”

“That one, subversion, that was clever. She’s dangerous too. Not all your modifications were bad I guess.” Tywin observed.
“Why, was that a compliment?” Tyrion smirked back.
“No, you got lucky. The nursemaid in red is lost though. We have a game to win.” Tywin pulled his cloak in and moved to speak with the Kingsguard as the 2nd quarter closed.

The Lions kick the ball back to the Grail Knights, who down it near their own 40 yard line. As the teams collide, Blackbeard makes his way towards Skywalker and throws him to the ground as the two collide. Wolverine smashes into Clegane as Magneto propels the two further down the field together.
The Grail Knights begin to do what they do best. With Wolverine and Magneto together again, and Lancer’s passing ability, there’s no stopping them as they score another easy touchdown. Another quick kickoff to the Lions puts them back to playing catchup. The Lions start using short passes to Croft, who has shown definite ability so far, until Croc gets by for a big sack on the dark wizard. The back and forth eats up the rest of the half, with the Lions settling for a field goal.

“Father, for a game we’ve never played before, we’re actually doing very well.” Tyrion attempted to calm his angry father in the locker room.
“No, we’re losing Tyrion. Loras is greviously injured, your bimbo is gone, and the Kingsguard can’t stop these fiends and whatever black magic they’re using against us. I’m going to have to put you and Jamie in if we lose another player.” Tywin threatened, as Jamie ran in with his hand a cauterized stump.
“Father! I’m wounded, oh god father my hand!”
Skywalker walked in behind him, lightsaber in hand. “He wanted to spar, I told him it was a bad idea with this sword, but he got all offended and just came at me. Thankfully, he won’t bleed out.”
Tywin and Tyrion share a look.

The 3rd quarter begins. Skywalker and Bella Swan in place of the offensive players who are hurt or missing. Jamie is now on the bench with Sookie kicking. The Grail Knights set up to kick, Iron Man has been waiting patiently this entire game for one moment. It’ll happen, he just has to wait for it. The girl told him it’d work, but why does he believe her?  Sookie kicks, the ball flails awkwardly into the air as the Lions charge. Iskandar takes the ball and goes upfield as suddenly the words everyone has waited for is heard. “Avada Kedavra!” a blast of dark energy comes flying at Lancer who is coming up the sideline. Iron man knows he has seconds to react, a pocket on his side opens as a book pops out. He flies into the line of the spell, book held out, and the spell connects. Voldemort falls to the ground as the Diary of Tom Riddle turns to dust. Hermione on the sidelines turns and slyly winks at her house elf cheering section. The iron man suit has taken heavy damage, it goes to the locker room for repairs, Simba joins it.

Without Voldemort to lead them, Danerys is forced to lead the offense. She immediately summons her dragons to her aid, they swirl around and bathe Killer Croc in their breath attacks as he balls up to protect his eyes and belly. The smoke clears, and Danerys stands alone in the endzone. Casually, throwing the ball back to the ref. “I’m the true queen you know.” She quips as she sits down and the dragons join her. Killer Croc stands up, confused as to what has taken place, Kirei Kotomine is livid.

The Lions lead is short lived, as the Grail Knights shred their way up the field again. Lancer is untouched, 100% completion rate. The Kingsguard can’t get close against Magneto, and Wolverine has proven he can shuck them like oysters from a shell. The Lions run out of tricks when they possession comes up, and their offense has become as anemic as their defense. The 4th quarter comes around, Blackbeard uses Skywalkers force power, which leads to a play read and subsequent turnover. Which the Grail Knights make into a touchdown. Iskandar showboats in his chariot, the Kingsguard can’t keep up. Another score. Another bad kick from Sookie. A buffed Simba emerges and throws the Kingsguard off their game even more. The 4th quarter gets trivialized as the only interesting thing that happens is a new fetish is invented as the Gelatinous Cube consumes Sasha Grey. The Lannister Lions are routed by the experienced players of the Grail Knights, 42-17.