Season 3 Week 9

BROWNCOATS vs ABERRATIONS
Aberrations outsmart the Browncoats 43 - 27

MIA vs IMPALERS

The MIA show why they're the Fastest Team Alive - ranking up a high score of 89 - 34

EELS vs LEVIATHANS
A passing game back and forth ends when the Leviathans have too many players blackflagged for injury, allowing the Eels to win as the current points leader at 21 - 14

MILITANTS vs SENTINELS
In the second upset of the week, the winless Sentinels break their bad luck streak on the backs of the Militants 32 - 27, mostly as a result of the Militants having several starters injured early on.

PANDAS vs CROWS

Coin Toss: Pandas win, will receive
Kickoff: Buzzsaw kicks for a pickup by Indiana Jones, who manages a decent gain before being taken down by Wonder Woman.
Game Synopsis: The first quarter of the game sees the Crows gain a considerable lead, as the Panda defense can't even touch their offensive line. Jax Teller comes in during the first quarter replacing King Kong as defense for one play. This gives the Pandas basically a free touchdown but during the play Jax injures Fred Flintstone, putting him out for the game. Kong returns to defense after this. Things finally turn darker for the Crows when Neil Patrick Harris manages to seduce Wonder Woman away from the Crows. Kong is deflated and upset and not quite as potent as he previously was, though still stronger than the Panda defense. The Pandas restructure their line. During the second quarter the sexual harrassers manage a few touchdowns and cycle through several bench players. Thunderbird replaces the dejected Kong for a play and ends up injuring Ambush Bug. However the Pandas manage to utilize Kirk to counteract the efficiency of The Doctor. During the second half, Jax returns for a play and injures Cowardly Lion before he gains the courage to fight back. The Pandas turn Wonder Woman against her former teammates and manage to get the truth of their playbook out of them, allowing them to return score. In the end it comes down to raw stats as the slightly superior Kong defense and the fourth quarter injection of Neville without the Pandas own Lion to counteract gives them the upperhand.

After the game the Crows are seen cussing out their newest recruit The War Doctor for allowing Kirk to get into his head.

Final: SHP 39 - CC 41

GRENADES vs AUTOMATONSThe Atlus boys continue a streak of refined gameplay when they pummel the Automatons 38 - 21

Season 3, Week 8

Commissioner's Note: Due to lack of strategies being sent in, and thus lack of plentiful writeups - coupled with finals week, this week will be one quick post with highlights.

GAME ONE:

Aberrations beat Impalers 48 - 21
Highlights: A new player
“As the Aberrations take the field, a new creature comes with them.  It seems to be a giant insect of some sort, complete with huge mandibles and long forearms, with 4 very strong, shorter, human arms attached to the torso.  As the Abberations lineup is announced, they call it “Umber Goro”, and seem to have it playing…kicker…”

Ousa is resurrected from death last week by Jozan. The Aberrations re-kill Falkor.
GAME TWO:

The Eels test their streak with a slight win in triple overtime over the MIA - 121 to 118

GAME THREE:
Grenades win 28 - 21
Grenades win in the third quarter when neither team can field a full team and they are already in the lead.

GAME FOUR:

Browncoats win 33 - 17

Browncoats use the rules of the game and see the Leviathans get blackflagged until they can't field a full team and forfeit.

GAME FIVE:

Pandas win 13 - 6

GAME SIX:

Crows win 40 - 33
HORCRUX/RIDDLE UPDATE:
Following up on the dual clues last week, RIDDLE was able to deduce that the next two targets are Pinhead's Lament Configuration puzzle box and the Holocaust Cloak hanging in the Eels trophy room. As of now, the coalition has not come up with a strategy to destroy either item.

Militants vs Pandas

THE MILITANTS OF OOO

vs.
THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT PANDAS

Coin Toss: Pandas win, will receive.

Kickoff: Gandalf kicks for a pickup by Neil Patrick Harris, who makes a small gain before being taken down by Potter.

Game Synopsis: The Pandas bring a strong running game which the foot clan of the Militants keeps up with mostly. However, with Hannibal boosting his ability to pass, he manages to get around them. Gandalf gets angry and refuses to allow his pass from the bench once each quarter, negating a touchdown each time. Meanwhile the Militants manage to easily stay away from the Panda defensive Clifford to keep even. Having an additional man - Ron, on the field, helps them as well. In the fourth quarter its a buffed up Cowardly Lion who manages to pull the Pandas ahead just enough.

Final: MOO 41 - SHP 47

Pandas vs Browncoats

THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT PANDAS

vs.

THE BIG DAMN BROWNCOATS

Coin Toss: Pandas win, will receive

Kickoff: Megaman kicks long for a pickup by The Cowardly Lion, who makes a large gain before being tackled by Gimli. 

Game Synopsis: The Browncoats are recovering from their loss last week of star QB and tactician Neil DeGrasse Tyson, and it shows this week. Without the foresight provided by him, the team falls behind as Hannibal leads the Pandas ahead. Both teams manage to get around the others defensive line. The Browncoats do so with pure speed, while the Pandas manage to outsmart. Though the Pandas do win, they also receive a bit of a setback off the field when a large machine enters from the stands and attacks Captain America. 

This creature then collects the shield from Captain and keeps it in a closed hand. Using the anti-fortress Noble Phantasm, the machine is destroyed by its pilot which also results in the destruction of the shield.

Final: SHP 31 - BDB 27

Grenades vs. Pandas

THE ATLUS ROCKET PROPELLED GRENADES

vs.

THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT PANDAS

Coin Toss: Pandas win, will receive.

Kickoff: Spider Jerusalem kicks for a pickup by Flintstone, who makes a short gain before being put down by John Marston. 

Game Synopsis: This game is close, and actually goes into sudden death overtime. We see two similarly matched teams. The RPGs bring the most brainpower to the table, but not by much as the Pandas are still smart in their own right. Both teams are fast, but the Pandas are able to slightly outrun the Grenades. The saving grace that helped the Pandas cement the deal was Neil Patrick Harris convincing Briene to be one of his Kingsguard, and Cowardly Lion beefing up for the final plays. However the game MVP goes to a member of the losing Grenades team, Cosmo Kramer, for his amazing ability to slip around Clifford for the entire game it seemed like. 

Final: RPG 40 - SHP 46

MIA vs Pandas

THE ALDERAAN MIA

vs. 

THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT PANDAS

Coin Toss: Pandas win, will receive

Kickoff: Aragorn kicks to Fred Flintstone, who makes a large gain before being taken down by Mr. Fantastic. 

Entire Game Synopsis: This game, holy shit this game. We see two very unique play styles. The "Fastest Team Alive" MIA against a strong passing team: the Pandas. What ends up saving the day for the MIA is that they have slower carrying time, typically scoring touchdowns with just one play with their speed that the Kingsguard just can't outmatch, and their superior tactical knowledge thanks to Dash. Meanwhile the Pandas play a strong passing game that sees successive first downs leading to touchdowns that Grodd on the MIA offense can't keep up with. Here is a typical MIA running play:

With lines like this, you'd think Marty was on their team and not an opponent.

Final: MIA 60 - SHP 54

Leviathans vs. Pandas

THE INNSMOUTH LEVIATHANS

vs.

THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT PANDAS

Coin Toss: Leviathans win, will receive.

Kickoff: Korben kicks to Throttle, who fumbles when Indiana Jones sticks one of the 1st down markers from the sidelines into the front spoke of his bike and is injured. Indy grabs the ball and heads to the endzone. Smaug thinks he catches him right before the endzone only to see the professor utilize his whip to swing around the dragon's mouth and score the touchdown. 

Entire Game Synopsis: Without Throttle, the Leviathans find their running game slow while the Panda defense Warriors keep a strong watch on receivers. It doesn't help that the Leviathans go through a progressive series of benched people as their horror selves keep actively trying to break the rules and injure the Pandas. Conversely, the Pandas have sharpened their game and came together as a team in a very cohesive way, and keep finding themselves in the end zone without overly relying on any one character. Everyone gets a bit of the spotlight. There is a small brawl in the third between the Warriors and Kratos but it is broken up without any permanent damage to either side. 

Final: IL 14 - SHP 32

Pandas vs. Aberrations

THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT PANDAS

vs.

THE ASGARDIAN ABERRATIONS

*this game was reran after a roster error on the commissioners end*

Coin Toss: Aberrations win, will receive

Kickoff: Korben Dallas kicks to Goro, who makes a large gain before Clifford brings him down at the 30. 

Game Synopsis: We have a good game where the Pandas and the Aberrations utilize their players and their abilities in the smartest ways possible. Hannibal uses all of his line as jacks-of-all-trades, and Marty breaks through the Aberration defense several times. Yet in the end the intelligence of their owners and managers can't overcome sheer statistical onslaught, as the Aberrations manage to take the Pandas.  

Final: SHP 42 - AA 44

Pandas vs. Automatons

THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT PANDAS

vs.

THE MITHRIL AUTOMATONS

Coin Toss: The Pandas win, will receive
Kickoff: Donkey Kong kicks off to Neil Patrick Harris who is tackled quickly by Kirby.
1st Quarter: The Pandas begin a hard-hitting running game with the very fast Flintstone. The Roughnecks can't catch him once he breaks the line, so they finally begin to double up on him. Clifford the Big Red Dog trembles the ground making the Roughnecks still lose their footing, allowing Flintstone to get into the end zone. Indiana Jones uses his bullwhip for an easy two point conversion. Mithril regains possession and Iskandar immediately chariots up and returns a touchdown. The Warriors can not physically stop V who makes the conversion.
2nd Quarter: Marty McFly quickly uses his perfect-for-a-shaky-cam abilities to move around the Roughnecks and show Iskandar that both quarterbacks can land a personal touchdown. Korben makes the conversion. The Automatons regain the ball and Kirby immediately sucks up The Warriors and takes their ability, thus granting all his allies it. Sailor Moon is buffed and manages a easy touchdown. The conversion succeeds when the Gelatinous Cube also sucks up The Warriors and buffs up its own stats to any of theirs that are better for the rest of the game, leaving them with the weaker stats.
2nd Half: Marty again goes for a strong running game with the Bedrock Whip play, doing a handoff to Indiana Jones who uses his bullwhip to immediately gain ten yards and then lateral to Flintstone who manages to run 10 or 20 more with ease each time. The smart plays by the Militant offense are unfortunately not aided by their weakened defensive line in a post-Kirby world. The Automatons are able to continuously drill out one-play touchdowns. Both teams are scoring often, but the Automatons pull away as they seem to score twice for every Militant score.

Final: SHP 58 - MA 83

Grenades vs Pandas

The Atlus Rocket Propelled Grenades

vs.

The Sexual Harassment Pandas

@ The Rooftop of Junes

 Paragon Percentage: Both Sherlock Holmes and Mario will enter play.

Coin Toss: Pandas win, will receive.

Kickoff: Walter kicks to Marty, who manages to glitch out and time travel to the exact same time but a few feet away to avoid a tackle and get the first touchdown.

Synopsis: With both paragons in play, the teams gridlock for a while. Finally, thinking he is smart - Sherlock gives Mario a Star and gets him high. But Mario also slips Sherlock some heroine. Now the two paragons are tripping and useless. The Grenades manage to squeak by.

Result: ARPG 21 - SHP 20

Pandas vs Steamies

The Sexual Harassment Pandas

vs.

The Sodor Steamies

@ Suddery Stadium

 Paragon Percentage: Mario will enter play.

Coin Toss: Steamies win, will receive.

Kickoff: Luigi kicks to Gorilla Grodd, who is beaten by that infamous ape-hater Mario on the 50 yard line.

Entire Game Synopsis: Gorilla Grodd and Raistlin do all they can early on to stop a roll over, but when Samurai Jack and Rocky Balboa injure those two in the second, all bets are off. Mario and Luigi team up to see how high they can take the score.

Result: SHP 103 - SS 21

Mercs vs. Pandas

The Mandalorian Mercs

vs.

The Sexual Harassment Pandas

@ The Showerhouse

 Paragon Percentage: Neither paragon will enter play.
Coin Toss: Pandas win, will receive.

Kickoff: Green Lantern kicks a long one to Fred Flintsone, who avoids Samwise and Nightcrawler and actually returns for a touchdown.

Entire Game Synopsis: Both teams have solid lineups, but the Pandas manage to outrun the Mercs and score more consistently. Defense is relatively weak on both so only slows the two teams down, until the Foot Clan is injured by Balboa and replaced by Shredder who can't keep up - finally allowing the Pandas to slowly pull ahead in the second half.

Result: MM 24 - SHP 31

Pandas vs. Doctors

The Sexual Harassment Pandas

vs. The DHARMA Doctors

@ Some Fucking Island That Keeps Moving Through Time And Space But You Probably Don't Know Because You Stopped Watching Around The End Of The Second Season Stadium

Paragon Percentage: No paragon will enter play.

Coin Toss: The Pandas win, will receive.

Kickoff: Rita kicks off to Marty McFly, whose kink malfunctions due to the oddities of the time/space traveling island and he goes Back to the Endzone where Hurricane Spencer takes him down for a safety. 

First Quarter: Shaking off their early embarressment, the Pandas dominate the first quarter. Preventing the Doctors from scoring at all Flintstone enjoys the primitive island bonuses to score two touchdowns. The second time the 2 point conversion succeeds.

Second Quarter: Space Monkey fights back the best he can with his team things take a turn for the worse when Hurricane and Rocky start brawling on the 50 yard line. Leonardo tries to break it up only to be attacked by Goldar, and Firegorge and Vic retaliate against Goldar and then Storm Shadow. The fight blows out of proportion until Space Monkey is drunk in the stands with some cheerleaders watching and only Balboa is still standing, though brutally beaten. Marty, barely standing, manages to redeem his earlier mistake with a throwaway field goal that actually suceeds before succumbing to his wounds and passing out. The game is called on account of both teams being unable to field a full roster after their injured are removed.

Result: SHP 17 - DD 2

Pandas vs. Mutants

The Sexual Harassment Pandas vs. The Morbus Mutants

@ The Technodrome

Paragon Percentage: Mario will enter play. Sexual Harassment Mario? Oh, I see.....



Coin Toss: Pandas win, will receive.

Kickoff: Ghost Rider kicks to Fred Flintstone who doesn't let anything like the futuristic motorcycle or flaming skulls freak him out, running a 76 yard return touchdown. The Pandas aren't fucking around here. Actually, with a name like that, they are. But you get the point.

Entire Game Synopsis: Brother Crowe is injured early on by Meatwad in a horrible ground beef related disaster, and when teammate Ben Hawkins attempts to heal him Master Shake proves how little of a fuck he gives and takes out Hawkins too. The ATHF is forced off the field and replaced by the Vogons, while Seto Kaiba and Oblina replace the injured Mutants. But their day doesn't get any better when Seto is harmed by Rocky, leaving the team with no one capable of performing quarterback duties effectively. Hong Kong Phooey tries but it is just sad. Down syndrome sad. Not Down syndrome funny. Just all sad. Meanwhile the Pandas, strengthened by Mario's presence, consistently score. Additionally, rarely are the Mutants ever able to maintain possession for a full four downs as Mario takes over defense after the first quarter and intercepts constantly.

Results SHP 134 - MM 0