Season 3 Week 9

BROWNCOATS vs ABERRATIONS
Aberrations outsmart the Browncoats 43 - 27

MIA vs IMPALERS

The MIA show why they're the Fastest Team Alive - ranking up a high score of 89 - 34

EELS vs LEVIATHANS
A passing game back and forth ends when the Leviathans have too many players blackflagged for injury, allowing the Eels to win as the current points leader at 21 - 14

MILITANTS vs SENTINELS
In the second upset of the week, the winless Sentinels break their bad luck streak on the backs of the Militants 32 - 27, mostly as a result of the Militants having several starters injured early on.

PANDAS vs CROWS

Coin Toss: Pandas win, will receive
Kickoff: Buzzsaw kicks for a pickup by Indiana Jones, who manages a decent gain before being taken down by Wonder Woman.
Game Synopsis: The first quarter of the game sees the Crows gain a considerable lead, as the Panda defense can't even touch their offensive line. Jax Teller comes in during the first quarter replacing King Kong as defense for one play. This gives the Pandas basically a free touchdown but during the play Jax injures Fred Flintstone, putting him out for the game. Kong returns to defense after this. Things finally turn darker for the Crows when Neil Patrick Harris manages to seduce Wonder Woman away from the Crows. Kong is deflated and upset and not quite as potent as he previously was, though still stronger than the Panda defense. The Pandas restructure their line. During the second quarter the sexual harrassers manage a few touchdowns and cycle through several bench players. Thunderbird replaces the dejected Kong for a play and ends up injuring Ambush Bug. However the Pandas manage to utilize Kirk to counteract the efficiency of The Doctor. During the second half, Jax returns for a play and injures Cowardly Lion before he gains the courage to fight back. The Pandas turn Wonder Woman against her former teammates and manage to get the truth of their playbook out of them, allowing them to return score. In the end it comes down to raw stats as the slightly superior Kong defense and the fourth quarter injection of Neville without the Pandas own Lion to counteract gives them the upperhand.

After the game the Crows are seen cussing out their newest recruit The War Doctor for allowing Kirk to get into his head.

Final: SHP 39 - CC 41

GRENADES vs AUTOMATONSThe Atlus boys continue a streak of refined gameplay when they pummel the Automatons 38 - 21

Season 3, Week 8

Commissioner's Note: Due to lack of strategies being sent in, and thus lack of plentiful writeups - coupled with finals week, this week will be one quick post with highlights.

GAME ONE:

Aberrations beat Impalers 48 - 21
Highlights: A new player
“As the Aberrations take the field, a new creature comes with them.  It seems to be a giant insect of some sort, complete with huge mandibles and long forearms, with 4 very strong, shorter, human arms attached to the torso.  As the Abberations lineup is announced, they call it “Umber Goro”, and seem to have it playing…kicker…”

Ousa is resurrected from death last week by Jozan. The Aberrations re-kill Falkor.
GAME TWO:

The Eels test their streak with a slight win in triple overtime over the MIA - 121 to 118

GAME THREE:
Grenades win 28 - 21
Grenades win in the third quarter when neither team can field a full team and they are already in the lead.

GAME FOUR:

Browncoats win 33 - 17

Browncoats use the rules of the game and see the Leviathans get blackflagged until they can't field a full team and forfeit.

GAME FIVE:

Pandas win 13 - 6

GAME SIX:

Crows win 40 - 33
HORCRUX/RIDDLE UPDATE:
Following up on the dual clues last week, RIDDLE was able to deduce that the next two targets are Pinhead's Lament Configuration puzzle box and the Holocaust Cloak hanging in the Eels trophy room. As of now, the coalition has not come up with a strategy to destroy either item.

Grenades vs Eels

THE ATLUS ROCKET PROPELLED GRENADES

vs.

THE GUILDER BAY SHRIEKING EELS

The Grenades have made a one-week bargain with the Aberrations that sees them bring in Parallax for defense over their own Brienne of Tarth. 

Coin Toss: Grenades still win, will receive

Kickoff: Jesus kicks for a pickup by Silver Surfer, who makes a decent gain before being tackled by Alcide.

Game Synopsis: The Grenades gain the advantage from the start with Parallax being a tough defense for the Eels. He is able to keep up with them, and at one point he controls Eels quarterback Aquaman - causing a turnover that leads to a Grenade touchdown. Meanwhile the Eels work hard to get around Parallax, managing to do so but taking several downs usually. Loras tries and fails to seduce Dexter, while Dexter learns of Voldemort's evil past and tries to kill him while he is on the Eel bench. Though he does what would normally be considered a permanent kill, the horcruxes that still survive (see RIDDLE) keep this from working*. Dexter is blackflagged for his incursion onto the Eel bench, but as he is not a starter for the Grenades it doesn't affect them much. The Eels rely on Samwise to beef up their carrier, getting around Parallax. Meanwhile the Grenades get around the Eel defense rather easily until they've made a few touchdowns. Then The Hulk comes out, and now we see two teams with strong defensive lines going head to toe. The game even enters sudden death overtime, where the first team to score and break the tie wins. Aquaman and the Eels fail to score and after four downs the Grenades gain possession. The Hulk keeps them preoccupied as well but Professor X comes in and gets John Marston to turn cloak, causing him to run backwards until The Hulk can tackle him for a safety in the Eel end zone. 

Final: RPG 38 - GBSE 41

*Had the RIDDLE stuff never come up, the Kinktrollers would have simply killed Voldemort. However, with that roleplay being allowed weeks ago, its been established that the horcruxes must be destroyed first. In order to try to roleplay some, it has been decided that just like in the movies - but at a much faster rate - Voldemort is weakened and needs to regain a body. Which - surprise surprise, will take him a week. So he will not be available to play for the Eels next week (week 8) but can return on Week 9.

Impalers vs Grenades

THE IMMORTAL IMPALERS

vs

THE ATLUS ROCKET PROPELLED GRENADES

Coin Toss: Grenades win, will receive

Kickoff: McClane kicks for a pickup by Skywalker who makes a short gain.

Game Synopsis: This game stays close the entire time, and we see two teams attempt to exploit every perceived weakness of the other. Nearly every player's kink goes off at some point. In the end it is the Impaler's superior speed that gives them the advantage for most of the game. But in the fourth, the Grenades play a series of kinks that see them score, intercept, and score again - then manage to get a safety when Marston takes out Roosevelt's bear momentarily, causing him to spill back into the endzone after catching the kick. The Grenades win by a slight margin. 

Final: II 28 - RPG 30

Grenades vs. Pandas

THE ATLUS ROCKET PROPELLED GRENADES

vs.

THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT PANDAS

Coin Toss: Pandas win, will receive.

Kickoff: Spider Jerusalem kicks for a pickup by Flintstone, who makes a short gain before being put down by John Marston. 

Game Synopsis: This game is close, and actually goes into sudden death overtime. We see two similarly matched teams. The RPGs bring the most brainpower to the table, but not by much as the Pandas are still smart in their own right. Both teams are fast, but the Pandas are able to slightly outrun the Grenades. The saving grace that helped the Pandas cement the deal was Neil Patrick Harris convincing Briene to be one of his Kingsguard, and Cowardly Lion beefing up for the final plays. However the game MVP goes to a member of the losing Grenades team, Cosmo Kramer, for his amazing ability to slip around Clifford for the entire game it seemed like. 

Final: RPG 40 - SHP 46

Grenades vs Leviathans

THE ATLUS ROCKET PROPELLED GRENADES

vs.

THE INNSMOUTH LEVIATHANS

Coin Toss: Grenades win, will receive

Kickoff: Wulfgar kicks long to John Marston, who immediately returns for a touchdown. 

Game Synopsis: This game is a blowout from the beginning. The grenades present a tactical team that can continuously outmaneuver the Leviathans. The Leviathans manage a little horse theft but can't put the points on the scoreboard. Not much to really write up sadly on the RP side, but what we see here isn't necessarily a failure of the Leviathans but a success of a newly-cemented Grenades line that will be a force to be reckoned with in future weeks. 

Final: RPG 46 - IL 7

Aberrations vs. Grenades

THE ASGARD ABERRATIONS

vs.

THE ATLUS ROCKET PROPELLED GRENADES

Coin Toss: Grenades win, will receive

Kickoff: Squirrel Girl kicks lightly to Luke Skywalker, who makes a large gain and manages to avoid a tackle from Wolverine (by using his lightsaber to superheat his skeletal system and send him into a fit of massive pain, receiving a sith point) but is eventually taken down by Uncle Sam and Goro.

1st Quarter: Samurai Jack manages to avoid a penalty when he uses European Football kicks for a lateral pass by discussing his superior knowledge of the rules of the game. The pass is ruled legal, which sets the Grenades for a 1st and Goal. Jack's ability to avoid the penalty doesn't go unnoticed by Lobo, who checks him hard. During the play Morris stopped time to rearrange the field and allow the Grenades to get into the end zone, but unbeknownst to him by doing so he set up the tackle that Lobo was preparing for Samurai Jack to be even worse. Nearly crippled, Samurai Jack is escorted off the field and replaced by Brienne of Tarth. But the Grenades score. As the Grenades offense leaves the field and the Aberrations come in, Spider Jerusalem manages to get the upper hand and destroys Drizzt's Twinkle sword, negating its effects until it can be repaired by a blacksmith or mechanic character. Extremely pissed off, the Aberrations take out their frustrations on The Funky Bunch. Demoman grenade launches and injures a couple of their members, while Magneto and an-especially-pissed-off-Wolverine fastball to the end zone. The conversion is good and possession changes back to the Grenades. An especially-aggravated-Lobo gets even more Lobo-y pissed when Skywalker predicts his movements and manages to slip by and outrun him for a return touchdown. He brings out the chains in an attempt to prevent the erratic Cosmo from making the conversion and is successful in doing so. Demoman and the Abberations come back out, and the quarter ends with them at 2nd and 8. 

2nd Quarter: In an interesting twist, benchmate Holmes predicts the play and Demoman loads another grenade. Slipping the ball to the outside with Drizzt he launches to Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch but loads up the grenade with cocaine for shits and giggles. Though fun in the idea stage, Demoman might not have been aware of Marky Mark's past and unknowingly just created SuperMarkyMark and the SuperFunky Bunch. Drizzt manages the touchdown, but then Walter says fuck that shit and undoes the Grenade Launcher kink usage which takes away the touchdown, though it can't undo time and the coked our Funky Bunch are still around.  In all this mix, Uncle Sam manages to sway Beorn to the Aberrations side, but has him stay on their bench for the time being. The Aberrations use Vash who drops his act and bypasses the coked out Grenade defensive line since they ignored him thinking he was stupid, managing to regain the touchdown. But the team can't get by the coked out boston boys. The Grenades regain possession moments before the half. 

3rd Quarter: Starting strong, the Grenades use Morris again and manage to bypass Lobo for a touchdown. Skywalker predicts Lobo's moves again and helps his team to get the two point conversion. The Aberrations take control and rely on a simple running game of "short pass to Goro and let him go as far as he can before being tackled" over and over until close to the goal line. Then they mix it up with the fastball but - oh my, Wovlerine is caught in midair by coked out Marky Mark who saw him coming, fumbling the ball but being shredded to bits by the extremely-pissed-for-even-himself Wolverine. The ball is picked up by one of the members of the Funky Bunch who begins raping and carrying but Drizzt stops him with his sword Icingdeath (it nixes fire, and the funky bunch was "spittin fire"). Drizzt manages to regain possession and return the touchdown. Squirrel Girl goes for the safe kick route and succeeds, looking adorable while doing so. 

4th Quarter: Down by 1, the Grenades call on their benchmate Aang who manages to buff up and enter play. Spider and Aang manage to evade the pissed off Lobo for a touchdown and Aang succeeds on the conversion. The Aberrations gain the ball and are joined by benchmate Simba and newfound ally Beorn, who tear through the few remaining Funky Bunchers who are starting to sober up. This quarter becomes a terrifying back and forth of return touchdowns and conversions, keeping the lead passing from one team to the next. Finally, the winner is decided when time runs out before the Grenades can get a chance to return. 

Final: AA 52 - RPG 51

RIP
"Marky" Mark Wahlberg
1971 - 2013

MIA vs. Grenades

THE ALDERAAN MIA

vs.

THE ATLUS ROCKET PROPELLED GRENADES

Coin Toss: MIA win, will receive
Kickoff: Walter kicks to Scout, who immediately makes a touchdown.
Game Synopsis: The Flash and the MIA keep the Grenades trailing for the first half, but a third quarter odd vibration collision on the sidelines caused by the erratic Cosmo Kramer puts The Flash out of service for the game, and Aang beefs up and joins in the fourth to help the Grenades catch up and far surpass the MIA.

Final: AMIA 14 - RPG 27

Grenades vs. Crows

THE ATLUS ROCKET PROPELLED GRENADES

vs

THE CHARMING CROWS

Coin Toss: Grenades win, will receive.

Kickoff: Green Arrow kicks long to Zach Morris, who makes a small drive and right before being tackled freezes time and repositions the field of players. When he unfreezes time, he has a huge advantage and takes it in for an immediate touchdown.

1st Quarter: The Crows retaliate quickly when Ghost Rider takes out Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch for the entire first play, allowing a Wonder Woman-bolstered King Kong to carry for a return touchdown. Arrow makes the kick. Spider Jerusalem and the Grenade offense come back out and have a hard time getting by the combined defensive might of Sauron and the Nazgul without a faster runner. The clock winds down and eventually the Grenades fail to make a first down. The Crows regain possession and this time Draco Malfoy uses his ability to freeze up Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch again, allowing Batman to get the touchdown. But not having any of that shit, Walter from the Grenades renigs and disallows the kink-necessary touchdown so the Crows lose those points. The quarter ends.

2nd Quarter: The Crows utilize Batman and Wonder Woman to predict multiple defensive plays in a row by the Grenades, marking a quick march to the endzone to score the touchdown they just lost and get the conversion. The Grenades retaliate with Luke Skywalker predicting the Crows defensive move allowing Cosmo Kramer to make a touchdown. Walter succeeds on the extra point. For the next offensive carry the Crows bench Ghost Rider and have Eddie "Buzzsaw" Vatowski incapacitate the Funky Bunch with his chainsaw motorcycle while Sonic the Hedgehog manages a field-long touchdown. King Kong powerhouses in for the conversion. The Grenades come back and the clock runs out during their march downfield. 

3rd Quarter: Continuing their march, the Grenades rely once again on Skywalker to predict the defense next move and they slip by the nazgul for a touchdown by Morris. Walter once again succeeds on the extra point. The Crows come out and swap out Buzzsaw for Edward Cullen, who immediately distracts Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch with a sparkle play allowing Wonder Woman to make a return touchdown. This really pisses off the defense who succeed in blocking the conversion attempt and injuring Cullen. The Grenades come back but still can't outrun the combined might of Sauron and the Nazgul and end up attempting and succeeding on a fourth-and-long field goal. The Crows regain possession and Jax Teller comes out to replace Cullen. The roid-raged Jax wastes no time in injuring the Funky Bunch, being kicked out of the game. Jax is replaced by Neville Longbottom while the Funky Bunch are replaced by Beorn. The clock runs out.

4th Quarter: (While on Bench: Aang with the Grenades attempts and fails to boost his stats) The reinvigorated teams battle for every inch with beefed up Neville and Beorn boosting both sides resolve. Neville barely outmaneuvers Beorn for a touchdown after several first downs but no one can get by Beorn for the conversion attempt. The Grenades bring Beorn on the offense as well replacing Samurai Jack. Beorn boosts the offense enough to finally break free of the Nazgul for a touchdown. Not wishing to risk a repeat of the Crow offense, the team attempts a simple kick and it again succeeds. The clock runs out while the Crows are inching back downfield. 

Final: RPG 30 - CC 35

Grenades vs Pandas

The Atlus Rocket Propelled Grenades

vs.

The Sexual Harassment Pandas

@ The Rooftop of Junes

 Paragon Percentage: Both Sherlock Holmes and Mario will enter play.

Coin Toss: Pandas win, will receive.

Kickoff: Walter kicks to Marty, who manages to glitch out and time travel to the exact same time but a few feet away to avoid a tackle and get the first touchdown.

Synopsis: With both paragons in play, the teams gridlock for a while. Finally, thinking he is smart - Sherlock gives Mario a Star and gets him high. But Mario also slips Sherlock some heroine. Now the two paragons are tripping and useless. The Grenades manage to squeak by.

Result: ARPG 21 - SHP 20

Assassins vs Grenades

The Asshai Assassins

vs.

The Atlus Rocket Propelled Grenades

@ The Rooftop of Junes

 Paragon Percentage: Sherlock Holmes will enter play.

Coin Toss: Grenades win, will receive.

Kickoff: Tyrion kicks lightly, and after a large scramble it is picked up by Eric Northman, who is taken down by Robb Stark after a short gain.

Entire Game Synopsis: With Holmesboy in play, the Grenades easily blow away the Assassins. Highlights include Walter flipping out on the Assassins and asking if hes the only one who doesn't give a damn about heraldry, and Dean figuring out that a car can take out Sandor.

Result: AA 6 - ARPG 33

MIA vs Grenades

The Alderaan MIA

vs.

The Atlus Rocket Propelled Grenades

@ The Graveyard Astrodome

Paragon Percentage: Neither paragon will enter play.

Coin Toss: Grenades win, will receive.

Kickoff: Bruenor kicks a long one to Scruffy, who makes a very short gain before being taken down by Mr. Fantastic.

Entire Game Synopsis: These two teams spend most of the game locked in a battle of slow gains, with no one team pulling ahead. Many turnovers happen (mostly because Sonic may be fast but any slight breeze and he drops the ball), but the winning play happens early in the third when the Grenades succeed on a try. This single point wins them the game at the end. Highlights include: Dean and Eomer having an old fashioned jousting but Dean wins due to, well, hes in a fucking car. Not on a horse; C.J. Parker seducing Dean not long afterwards; Swampthing catching up with the Battletoads during the halftime show; and Walter and the Joker comparing weapons.

Result: AMIA 20 - ARPG 21 

Cyberbrains vs. Grenades

The Chiba Cyberbrains

vs.

The Atlus Rocket Propelled Grenades

@ The Rooftop of Junes

 Paragon Percentage: Sherlock Holmes will enter play for the Grenades

Coin Toss: Cyberbrains win, will receive

Kickoff: Walter kicks to Chris Benoit, who gives it all and makes it the whole field and scores while injuring Sam Winchester, but injures himself in the process.

Entire Game Synopsis: Reeling from the immediate loss, the Grenades take a moment to readjust and for the first quarter the Cyberbrains are able to score a few more times. But once Sherlock cleans up a bit and comes down from his high and Dean gets ready for revenge the Grenades shut the Cyberbrains out of the end zone for the remainder of the game.

Result: CC 21 - ARPG 53

Automatons vs. Grenades

The Mithril Automatons vs.

The Atlus Rocket Propelled Grenades

@ The Rooftop of Junes

Paragon Percentage: Neither Paragon will enter play.

Coin Toss: Grenades win, will receive.

Kickoff: Zapp kicks, Scruffy catches, and V brings him down shortly afterwards.

First Quarter: Sam relys a ton on Cosmo's distracting actions to have Eric succeed on several early touchdowns. Meanwhile Iskandar starts strong with a chariot summoned touchdown and an invisible ball trick with Saber to keep the scores relatively close.

Second Quarter: Saber pulls his magic again and slips by The Goonies, but won't be repeating as his time across enemy lines leads to him falling for Eric. Saber crosses over and Sagara enters play. Sam is able to lead the Grenades on a streak but the quarter ends when Sagara manages to seriously injure Sam, Scruffy, and Swamp Thing. Tyler Durden, Henry Rollins, and Neville Longbottom come out to replace them but time ends.

Third Quarter: Black Dynamite has entered in for a removed Sagara and we see the two teams come to a stalemate, advancing back and forth but failing to score for a few possesions. In a reverse maneuver, Phoenix Wright falls for Jack Harkness and changes sides, being replaced by Calvin. Blackbeard manages to leach Cosmo's erraticness and as a result Cosmo is tackled and hurt, being replaced by Butters. In the final play of the quarter the Automatons bridge the gap the Grenades made in the second quarter with a touchdown and conversion.

Fourth Quarter: Again, we see a stalemate proceed until finally with less than 30 seconds on the clock the Automatons pull off a succesful pass and land a touchdown giving them a four point lead. However the Grenades gain possesion with 12 seconds on the clock and Dean pulls out his 67 Impala and literally drives over the competition to score as well, and with their conversion gain a 2 point lead. The Automatons have no choice but to attempt a field goal from over 70 yards away which seems hopeless but somehow Zapp has dumb luck and actually nails it. The crowd goes wild and the Automatons win by one point.

Result: MA 39 - ARPG 38