A story about the Eels, the New Scum, love making, and unapologetic violence.

Major Commissioner is psyched. “ALRIGHT! We got TWO old school teams bringing their old school game up in this new school arena! You wanted football? You’re getting THIS INSTEAD! We’ve match the top preseason ranked teams from the Arneson and Gygax conferences in one BRUTAL game! Spider Jerusalem vs the ever cunning Eels! We’ll go to Skipper on the field. Skipper?”

Skipper is literally drooling.  “AAWW YEAH! It’s going DOWN today! Lookit Carol Ferris?! Dayum. And Buffy is looking PRIME! WOO! It’s gonna git hot in here!”

Spider walks up with Neil in tow for the coin flip. Lt. Columbo is partnered with Carol Ferris as they walk up. NPH straightens his tie. He’s wearing a charcoal Armani suit, displaying the full Barney Stintson, Carol is looking lovely tonight in a Vince Camuto number in a lavender hue. The two look stare each other down as Spider and Columbo exchange pleasantries, well, as pleasant as Spider gets. The coin is flipped. The Eels will receive.

Skipper is estactic “Oh Dayum! Did ya’ll see them lookit each other? It’s going DOWN tonight! Spider & Columbo are not friendly!” The redneck has NO idea about the silent exchange between NPH & Carol.

The teams line up, Malcolm Reynolds rolls out his ankle “Well, here’s to another year of this mess.” He charges forward and kicks the ball, sailing to the Eels backfield backs, Snake Eyes catches the ball and silently moves out. He jukes past Spider and the brothers McManus, kick flips off Captain America’s shield, and downs the ball to avoid being sliced in half by Brienne of Tarth. “Knights and Ninjas! This gonna be FUN!” the redneck hoots.

As the teams go to each side, scenes unfold on separate ends of the field. Neil Patrick Harris and Carol Ferris are rolling in one endzone, articles of clothing are flying in each direction. Snake Eyes snaps his finger and Carol looks up, confused, grins at the actor and walks off. NPH is blue balled. In the opposing endzone, Samauri Jack seems to have encountered Black Adam. His experience with beings of supernatural nature seems to have paid off. The Eels Tight End lays in the endzone holding his entrails in. Samurai Jack seems to be bruised, but in good spirits. “We ain’t saw the last of ANY of this I reckon!”

The New Scum have a seat while Lobo cracks his neck. It’s fraggin go time. As the Czarnian walks on the field, the rookie Aqualad, Jax Hyde, taunts him. He obviously wants a piece of the main man.

The Atom lines up behind center, the smartest pick the Eels have made for a quarterback yet, Zorro comes in for the wounded Black Adam, who refused any assistance getting to the bench. The ball is hiked, suddenly a bubble appears around Lobo, and he seem sluggish as he runs after the carrier. He catches Snake Eyes after a short gain. The Atom, not messing with a system that works, continues to play short passes and runs against the sluggish Lobo until he carries them into the endzone. As the extra point goes up from Demoman and explodes into fireworks, Lobo seems to have a sideline conversation with his coach concerning his issues.

Eels up 7-0, the two teams take to the field for the next possession. Demoman fires a ball up, and Murphy McManus makes the catch. Charging forward, the running back is drug down by Snake Eyes at his 40 yard line. The Goonies lead their friend, The Hulk, onto the field.

Spider takes the hike, waits for Hulk to get close before dodging past and hitting Brienne for a pass. She’s quickly surrounded by the children and drug down. She looks confused on whether or not she should draw her sword on them. After a couple plays, and a few converted first down, the bulk of the Hulk stops the New Scum’s offensive drive. Malcolm comes in and kicks a field goal, settling for 3 points over the 7. The New Scum start to devise a new plan against the Eels capable offense.

Another drive with Lobo in the bubble, and another touchdown for the Eels as the 1^st quarter ends. 14-3 for the Eels.

The second quarter is actually just good football, Black Adam comes back in, but the New Scum eat up enough time with the ball, they’re able to get 2 possessions to the Eels 1. Each team scores on each drive, no issues, no injuries, but you can tell the Atom & Spider are feeling each other out. The offenses are balanced, Hulk has gotten madder, and Lobo is struggling. The teams hit the locker room 21-17 Eels up.

As the teams head out of the locker room, the Eels look charged up and ready to finish the game. Carol has changed out of her evening gown into her traditional Lantern attire. The New Scum look focused, they know they’ve got a close game, and a mad Hulk. Spider must have a plan.

Demoman with the “kickoff” and Neil comes up with the ball. Rushing into the madness, he avoids Black Adam, Uncle Sam and John Moore with a little help from his friends, jukes past Carol throwing her a wink as he does so, she blushes slightly, he grins and slams into Jax Hyde. Who is then smacked over the head with a coffin by Django. The Aqualad goes out on a stretcher to Jozan while the New Scum take a harsh penalty for the personal foul. Django gets a warning, since Spider is able to convince the ref that his momentum carried him into Jax, who made no attempt to dodge. Neil’s heavy gain is pushed back to the 40 yard line, doubling Spider’s distance to the goal. Doubling the chance an angry Hulk could get his hands on him. Making use of a suggestion from Malcolm, Spider goes with short confusing runs between himself, Murphy, and Neil until they’re close enough to the end zone to let Cap take a screen pass. 24-21, New Scum with their first lead. But they’re also about to kick the ball back to The Atom and Company.

Malcolm kicks, Carol receives, Neil tackles. 60 offensive yards between The Atom and retaking his lead. It’s anyone’s game.

Lobo comes back out for the New Scum, in hopes that Jax having went down makes things a little easier. That idea doesn’t pan out as now Black Adam is a pain in the Czarnian’s rear. Black Adam’s focus ability shuts down Lobo’s efficiency, making him result to using the chain for some distance tackles. In the end, Zorro making a crazy forward pass play to Snake Eyes results in a touchdown. Demo man “kicks” fireworks go off, the shape of a bottle of liquor. “Yeah! That guy loves his hooch!” The redneck cheers as he takes a sip from his own, similar, bottle. Eels back up, 28-24.

Demoman kicks off again to the New Scum, the ball sailing to Spider, who rolls right with Samurai Jack and they move up the right sideline. Brienne gets into a tousle with Snake Eyes, the Eels leader in tackles on kickoffs at this point. Harris catches an ankle on Carol and smacks that ass as he gets up. At about the 40 yard line, Spider nods, and Jack splits off making a B-line to Black Adam. The samurai leaps and spins, the two players connect and both go down in a heap. Spider takes the kickoff back for a touchdown amidst the chaos. Hulk smashes a bench over his head. The New Scum make a crazy fake extra point play, and throw it to Cap for a 2 point conversion. New Scum take back the lead 32-28 now.

The New Scum kick to the Eels. Snake eyes takes a long stroll downfield and ends up on the New Scum 30 yard line. The Eels aren’t fooling around at this point.

The Atom sets back and throws to Carol, but a chain & sickle knock the ball out of the air, and into Lobo’s hands, he gets nowhere before the Eels leap on him as the 4^th Quarter rolls around. And Lobo is drug off the field with Spider cursing at him “It’s about frappin’ time, you last of your race dimwit.”

The New Scum offense lines up against an enraged Hulk and a bunch of delightful kids. Buffy comes in for Samurai Jack, who’s still out cold on the sidelines. As Spider hikes the ball, she charges forward at the Hulk and wraps her arms around his neck, kissing him on the cheek. “HULK!” She shouts “We can leave all this, today, right now, lets go!” The green giant stops in his tracks, and stares at her. “HULK…STOP SMASH NOT SPIDER-SPIDER-MAN?” Spider Jerusalem rolls his eyes hard at the fact we was just referred to in such a way. “Yes, we don’t have to do this anymore, we can just leave, and hunt vampires, together.” Spider doesn’t even move the ball, everything hinges on this answer. He knows something is about to turn to mush, either his teammate, or the Hulk’s heart. “HULK SMASH VAMPIRES FOR YOU PRETTY GIRL.” And he leaps high as the two bound off, out of the arena. Columbo calls an immediate time out, Chunk & Sloth roll up and make the tackle as Spider tries to sneak past the line for a short gain.

Columbo gets his team together, benches the Goonies, and draws a wild card for his defense. John Moore suits up. In all his rage fed, Red Lantern glory, he takes the field against the diminished offense of the New Scum. Captain America takes a seat and hands his shield off to Deathstroke, who takes up Cap’s slot position, Django lines up next to him to replace Jack as Tight End.

Spider makes his new offense work, Rankorr doesn’t give in though. Deathstroke takes a pass and runs down the sideline, the Rage Lantern decks the shield toting terminator and Deathstroke goes down hard. Spider curses, his latest plan foiled. Cap takes his shield and position back as the New Scum line up for the first down. Rankorr takes his warning and the New Scum penetrate deep into Eels territory before Spider connects with NPH for a much needed touchdown. Extra point goes up and is good. 39-28, the New Scum winning early in the 4^th.

Columbo nods to Atom. Snake Eyes gets the kick deep into New Scum territory quick, the 35 yard line. Brienne of Tarth sets up as defense. Jax Hyde is back on the field, Atom calls for a different type of play. Brienne has NO idea what happens as a series of passes blasts between Jax, Zorro, the Atom, and Snake Eyes, before connecting with Carol in the endzone. “Holy Shit folks! You see that? That play ain’t even legal in 7 states!” Columbo holds for a moment, score at 39-34, does he kick, or try for the conversion? 36 points is risky to achieve, but makes the game tieable with a stop, and a field goal. 35 points will require a touchdown.

Columbo looks at his team, Jax is back. The Atom is feeling strong, not having played much yet this quarter, his opponent missing several players, he motion for the kick. “Heh, go big or go home” he chuckles.

Demoman sends up a ball that explodes into a shockingly accurate pornographic image after clearing the posts. 39-35, New Scum still up, take the field to receive. Spider is grasping at straws and cursing up a storm. Deathstroke is down, that was his 4^th quarter plan. Lobo is out. Buffy is gone, but she took the Hulk with her. And Jack is still unconscious. He fields Django again at Tight End, and Ulrich at Wide Reciever, hoping his armor might keep him up through this drive.

Demoman kicks down the field, Neil takes the ball for a short run before the intensity of the Eels bears him down at his own 35 yard line.

Spider has a lot of field, but only time to kill, he works his angles, hitting Django for several short passes, sending one to Ulrich for a first down, who would have been wounded in the tackle from Rankorr, had it not been for his armor. Spider, seeing that Rankorr is only another play or so from knocking another teammate out, settles for a kick on a 4^th & short. Hoping to keep the Eels stagnant in the last seconds of the game. 42-35

Malcolm kicks well back to the Eels, but Snake Eyes gets to the New Scum 45 before the brothers McManus stop him.“Columbo’s gotta git a touchdown like a stripper’s gotta buy formula!” The redneck remarks. Columbo nods to Atom, they’ve saved back special plays, just in case. They’d hoped they’d never have to use them in the first game though. Zorro lining up again where Black Adam once was. The Atom hikes, and runs straight towards Brienne of Tarth, steel bared, Spider screaming on the sidelines to “gut the bastard and take the ball” her blade moves like water, an extension of her arm as the fine edge whistles against the air. She’s trained for this moment her entire life, taking out of opponent means a definite win for her team. The bulk of her armor steadies her momentum, she’s centered, ready, focused like a tiger ready to pounce for the kill. Her eyes glare at her target, the short man is not unattractive, the strange heraldry on his chest is unknown to her, likely another up-jumped hedge knight. She can see where her sword is going to strike, cut through the fabric of his uniform, bone, muscle, straight into his chest, she doesn’t intend to kill the man, but he’ll know he was in a fight, and he’ll never forget her name. This blow, and her father might finally be proud of her. She might finally gain the love and respect of the lord of the Sapphire Isle. “Fer the love of god! HIT HIM.” Skipper cries.

Ray Palmer is physicist, one of the world’s top scientific minds. He knows he could never hope to go toe to toe with this woman before him. She could give Diana a run for her money on size and strength, hell, for all he knows, she might BE Amazonian. But where she grew up with brawn, he grew up with brains. And he knows better than to fight brawn, with brawn he doesn’t have. So Ray Palmer, the Atom, simply shrinks himself down to the near molecular level, with the ball in hand, and runs forward as the clocks runs out. “The hell did he go?!” Shouted the redneck commentator, confused, yet again.

Brienne catches only air. Gasping at the space her enemy was, she knows some sorcery is obviously afoot. She sees a flicker of movement at her feet, and chases the tiny many across the field, chopping at him constantly, ungracefully, with her bastard sword. The Atom so small, shes unable to actually connect with him, the clock buzzes, she increases the speed of her chopping, her lungs on fire, her pauldrons screeching with each awkward chop, dirt gouging from the ground and flying into the air. Finally, she hacks up a bit of colored grass, and realizes the Atom has made it to the end zone. She has failed. The Atom grows back to normal size, and sincerely puts a hand on her shoulder. He regretted having to diminish one as noble as this woman, but it had to be done. New Scum 42-41. Columbo has to decide. Extra point for the tie and overtime? Or try the conversion for the win?

Spider has nearly gone hoarse, he’s his 5^th cigarette of the possession.
Columbo goes for the conversion.

Spider sends in Neil Patrick Harris, seating the exhausted knight. The Atom goes back far and throws to Zorro, Neil dives in for the tackle, but is caught in another aquatic force field as Jax grins and takes a forward pass from Zorro. Seeing Carol feet from the endzone, he lobs the ball easily into her hands.

The Eels, with the last play, after time expired, pull it out 43-42. The New Scum, nearly having caused an upset, leave the field upset.