Ghost Peppers get catty with the Guardians

“We got more newbies playing now. Some hot pepper team, and some guys who guard stuff. We don’t know nothing bout them yet, but it’s gon be a good time!”

The two teams meet up on the field, Two-Face and Han Solo with Asmodeus, the Coach of the Ghost Peppers, and The Flash with his coach. The coin goes up, but everyone knows how it’ll work out, the Ghost Peppers win the toss, and will receive. The Bregan D’aerthe get ready for combat.

Before the teams separate, Calvin, a six year old boy pulls a box up between the two teams. He begins to hand out stuffed tigers to everyone. He explains that the tiger is everyones new best friend, for the entirety of the game, and to NOT LET THEM GET HURT. I mean, you shouldn’t hurt your friends right? With a sidelong glance at Batman, Calvin distributes the tigers. “The hell, whys all them stuffed animals out there? Whats he planning?” The redneck is obviously and often confused.

Darkseid grins holding his stuffed tiger close to his side as he kicks the ball to the Ghost Peppers. He then stops and calls forth the power of the new gods to strike down those who think themselves above himself. A flash of light hits Two Face as he catches the ball and runs forward, running headlong into Predator. As Two Face hits the ground, he falls on his pet tiger, as he gets up he forgets it and Calvin collects it.

Without much of a run, Two Face takes the hike, facing down the ever dangerous dastardly dark elves of the D’aerthe. He rushes forward doesn’t attempt to hand the ball off to Spider Man or Goro, both of whom are at the ready. The Bregan D’aerthe are delighted and knock the villain over. Asmodeus sees something is wrong with Two Face, and quickly subs Batman. Who walks in carrying his pet tiger. The Bregan D’aerth see a new quarterback, and decide to keep him off his toes. As the ball is hiked, a globe of darkness encompasses Batman. The Ghost Peppers step back, not sure what to do, as two members of the merc guild enter the globe, and are quickly dispatched and thrown back out. “Aww dayum! You see that? They got batmanned! WOOO! You don’t turn out the lights on the dark knight son!” Superman takes the opportunity to fly past the Bregan and Batman sends a hard pass to the Kryptonian before he clumsily sails out of bounds. First down, no problem.

Batman isn’t used to running this offense, Two Face had taken most of the practice snaps. But he knew what needed to be done. He lines up a short pass to Spiderman, but gets intercepted by the fast moving dark elves. They gain a few yards before spider man webs him up and takes him down.

Offenses switch, Flash has no idea why he has a tiger, but he’s perfectly comfortable with the idea. He recalls reading the comic strip Calvin & Hobbs when he was young. Suddenly, he feels something move in his arm, as his tiger looks up at him and asks “Hey, what kinda play we gonna run here?” Mouth agape, Flash whispers a reply to the tiger, and it nestles down against him and helps count the snap. Ball in hand, Flash looks for Frodo who takes the handoff and a side route with Flash faking to the opposite. Flash acts like his tiger is going to attack the Unsullied. The tiger growls and scratches fiercely at the air as Frodo disappears from sight. The Unsullied chase after Flash and his toy tiger, when the ref announces a touchdown. And Frodo stands in the end zone, with his tiger, putting something back into his pocket.

Asmodoeus is angry. A turnover, his QB out, and a touchdown. This isn’t a great start. Goro catches the kick as Calvin sends one sailing, Goro’s tiger is safely in one hand, ball tucked in the other, as he begins to crash through the Guardians ranks. Until suddenly, after knocking past Frodo, Kirby stands there, welcoming Goro, and consumes him, then spits him out, growing an extra set of arms. The ball is down.

Batman comes in to run the offense again. Two Face is flipping his coin on the sideline, but he always forgets to catch it. Batman’s offense takes pieces out of the Guardians D. The dark elves can’t keep up with the caped crusader. They’re not picking up any kind of a pattern. They’re able to keep Batman busy, but the cowled hero gets his touchdown. Calvin kicks the extra point, and sends a punt back to the Guardians. Time is getting low in the 1^st quarter, when Predator catches the ball and disappears from sight. Goro jumps at the empty air. Spiderman fires at points hoping to catch the alien, when he turns up in the end zone. Goal Guardians. “Oh Dayum! You see that?! Bet you didn’t!” The redneck thinks his joke is funny. The 1^st quarter ends.

Darkseid kicks an extra point and boots a punt over, his own tiger tucked into his belt looks up and asks “Hey, why aren’t we taking over the universe right now? This is boring. Can we get to work on the anti-life equation?” The new god stops to discuss this rather interesting matter with the stuffed tiger as his punt lands with Spider Man. Who’s own tiger has started trying to bite him “Rawr! I’m Kraven the Hunter!” Spiderman webs the mouth shut of the tiger and takes the ball across the field. He’s stopped by Hong Kong Phooey at the 50 yard line. “What do you MEAN you’re Kraven? This is messed up. You didn’t even set off my spider sense!” He exclaims to the muted tiger. He pulls back the webbing to hear it laughing “oh c’mon that was a joke. You don’t joke much do you Pete?” Eyes wide, Spiderman webs the toy mouth shut again, and takes his place in the lineup. Batman takes the hike and connects to Han. Then again to D. Methodically making his way down the field. Before he gets stopped down at the 20 yard line. Superman was supposed to fly a cross route, but instead he ran it, with nobody open, the Caped Crusader was tackled while trying to protect the ball and his tiger. Calvin boots a kick and celebrates the point with his own tiger. Another kick sails to the Guardians, Flash catches it and checks the time, seeing only seconds left on the clock, he gets risky and cranks up the speed. Whipping past everyone but Superman who sees the play coming, but completely misses the tackle on Flash. The end zone dance is so fast, nobody can see it.

As the 1^st half ends. Kyle Broflovsky runs up to Calvin, “hey, giving everyone these tigers was really cool. Mine talks though, is that supposed to happen?” Calvin laughed “that just means you’re doing it right!” as he runs to the locker room. “This here game, is clearly the weirdest thing to happen all day ya’ll. Clearly.” The redneck is more baffled than normal.

As the teams leave the locker rooms, the Unsullied take the field against the Guardians crazy modes of play. Flash is now having normal conversation with his tiger, it helps him with the hikes while the Unsullied left theirs in the locker room. Noticing this, Calvin goes in and collects it. The Unsullied aren’t prepared for the opening play as Raiden extends his hands overhead and drops lightning down on the slave fighters. They fall to the ground, fried crispy, as Flash takes another ball across, letting his tiger spike the ball for him.

28-10, Asmodeus is furious. It’s only logical that this child knows something he doesn’t. Batman is relinquished of duty as Calvin is told to take over as quarterback. Batman sits glumly on the sideline, as his tiger looks up at him and asks “Why do we fall down Master Bruce?”

Calvin grins, and sets his tiger directly in front of him. He checks Spiderman & Goro, Han & Superman, D is prepped to go, when the hike takes place. The Bregan D’aerthe have been told to win, no matter what, so they tear towards the six year old with steel brandished. Suddenly, the toy tiger that was on the ground, has been replaced with a hulking dire tiger, and it is shredding through their line. As the Bregan move out of the way, to let the raging tiger get through, they see Calvin gripping its tail as it runs the boy to the endzone. Calvin hugs the toy tiger, nobody has ANY idea what the hell is going on. The Bregan D’Aerthe bring their tiger out on the field next time. They’re pretty excited now. Batman goes in to kick for Calvin on the extra point, and lets the kid know he did well.  On the kick, D corners the Cheshire Cat and drains its blood. Hong Kong Phooey delivers a flying kick to the vampire hunters head. The stretchers come to haul the cat and his tiger off the field (the tiger gets his own stretcher).  Kyle continues to talk with Calvin when the Guardians are on offense, the two becoming fast friends. Kyle’s tiger is named “Snappers” and it has wings. Nobody besides the boys can see this.

The Guardians look to extend their lead while the 3^rd quarter wraps up. Kyle Broflovski takes over for The Cheshire Cat, and Flash hits Smaug up high for a flyby that would have ended as a Touchdown had Han Solo not made a one in a million shot to down Smaug. Han’s tiger, to him, looks like a wookie/tiger combo and it keeps making Chewbacca noises in his ear. But thankfully his breath is better. Smaug ate his tiger, Calvin can’t go get it. Another couple plays with the Stainless Steel Rat in for Smaug, who, without a stretcher, is resting on the sidelines with White Mage attending to him. SSR hits an open hole with the Unsullied and slips in for a short touchdown run. He seems to high five his tiger in the end zone. It looks really awkward, and Calvin can tell, Slippery Jim is playing along, but he can’t really see it.

Calvin and the Ghost Peppers (great band name) line back up to stay in the game. Imhotep summons up a stand storm to let Calvin hand off to Goro, who pounds through the storm and emerges with points on the other side. “Aw, hell, no defense is no good anymore. Might as well let the tigers play it.” The Ghost Peppers are within 4, but the Guardians have the ball again. This time Calvin comes in as defense for the Ghost Peppers with his tiger. Both of them stand at the line of scrimmage, Calvin making growling noises as Flash takes the hike and takes a route, finding himself face to face with a Rakshasa. Calvin cackles. The Flash is carted off the field by a stretcher shortly thereafter, and White Mage gets to work on the sideline. Flash insists his tiger be healed also. The plays continue, Predator having only seen Calvin throw a tiger at Flash’s face, isn’t too worried, until he runs into the dire tiger from earlier and it pounces on him causing a loss of yardage. 3^rd and long, Kyle runs up to Calvin and sets his tiger down beside Calvin and asks that the game be stopped. Kyle then going into a monologue as the time outs are charge to the Guardians. Kyle goes on about age, and how so many of us are too busy to imagine anymore, and how everyone takes this game too seriously and nobody thinks anything negative about the crazy commissioner man who runs this whole fragging thing (Kyle’s mom wants to know where he learned that word). Calvin pats him on the back, and says “Thanks for understand man, but we have to finish this game.” Kyle nods picks up his tiger and runs back to his spot on the line. As the ball is hiked, Stainless Steel Rat makes eye contact with Kyle, who gives him a confident look, and nods “yes”. As Calvin and his Rakshasa charge, Stainless Steel Rat lobs a short pass to Kyle, whos tiger turns into a giant winged celestial tiger named “Snappers” and Calvin cheers as they fly into the end zone. And time runs out. "Some jewish boy just CAUGHT A RIDE, on a toy cat, and done flew into the end zone. I don't got nothing else to say folks." The commentator takes off his headset and walks out of the media room.

Asmodeus is furious. Kyle and Calvin are dancing with stuffed tigers in the end zone. The players look at each other in confusion, something happened here today. And nobody seems to understand it. The sidelines empty to locker rooms, as the Guardians take the Ghost Peppers 42-24.