The Terrors of Bald Mountain judge the Mega City One Judges

Week 1 wraps up as the Mega City One Judged clash tonight against the Bald Mountain Terrors. “Tonight, we got these two rookies thrown down big time! The Judged wit their hard hittin offense, against the Terrors and their stonewallin defense! It’s gone be good!”

Chernobog and V step onto the field and meet with Judge Dredd and Aquaman. The two new coaches escorted by veterans of several years in the league. V has spent time working with the Mithril Automatons, whereas Aquaman has been a sought after quarterback for several seasons. Overlooked in the first draft this year, does Aquaman still have what it takes to lead a squad to the Oggie Bowl again?

The coin toss goes up, and the Judged will receive, Dracula takes the field to kick off to the Judged and the teams line up. The Transylvanian Terror boots the ball and it sails high and short, Sonic and Legolas are backfield for the reception, but the ball doesn’t make it that far. Instead, Throttle, of the Biker Mice from Mars picks the ball from the air and moves to midfield to gain some cover. He picks up assistance from Aquaman and Silver Surfer and makes a long gain to the Terrors 25 yard line.

Dracula looks dismal as Chernobog bellows at him on the sideline. War trots his horse onto the field to defend his turn. He’s strapped to the gills with an assortment of weapons, spiked barding on his red mare. Aquaman lines up behind center and takes the hike, Throttle and Carmen Sandiego roll out to the left, Silver Surfer to the right and cuts in for a screen pass. As Aquaman unleashes the ball, War rolls a whip off his hat and snatches the ball out of the air, pulling it into his hands as he kicks his mare into gear. “Yeaahh!! Indy cover yer ‘art!” screams the redneck announcer. His only good whip reference being Indiana Jones, who isn’t even IN this game. War drives forward for a short gain to the 40 yard line before Aquaman vaults off his trident and unhorses the rider. A bit of redemption for the pick, Dredd doesn’t look happy on the sidelines as he lets the Balrog step onto the field while his defense walks off.

The Balrog looms over the Terrors as V calls the play “Victor, Victor, Vogue, Valencia!” and accept the ball dropping back, checking his receiver, faking a handoff to Neo and bursts forwards, after a short gain, the vengeful vigilante is vanquished by the vile veins of the devil. The Balrogs whip cracks loudly as the Terrors line back up, V now realizing that the fire clad demon is much faster than it looks. Another false handoff to Neo, as V hits Red Robin for a first down before he is thrown out of bounds from dodging a fiery blade. As the Terrors work their way across the field, the Balrog keeps them from making big plays, but can’t keep them from short yard work and maintaining their first downs. Alucard and Dracula get a little thirsty, but a nod from Lestat lets them know that the manifestation of evil in front of them has only fire in its veins. V finally hands off to Death, who cares very little about the Balrog and his weapons, drives over the demon for a touchdown. Chernobog’s ire from earlier has cooled as Dracula kicks an extra point through the uprights. Terrors up 7-0

Both teams take the field for the next kickoff. Dracula flubs, yet again, as Chernobog struggles to control his size when his anger flares. This time the ball comes down into Carmen Sandiego’s arms as she voraciously vaults vertically over V and sticks the landing. She tips her hat gingerly at Red Hood and the Joker as she turns on the speed and outdistances most of the Terrors team. “Wooo! Lookit her go! Where’s she gittin to?!” Death collides with Carmen at the 20 yard line and swings his great scythe as bits of her red trenchcoat flutter into the air. Yet Carmen emerges on the opposite side of the pale horse and rider, and slips into the endzone without much ado. She bows, and taker a new coat from her spot on the sideline as Hawkeye fires an extra point through the uprights. Score is tied up at 7-7.

The Terrors receive from Hawkeye and Death takes the ball and charges forward. Death is finally drug down by the Silver Surfer at the 50 yard line, as the dust clears, Sonic is found near the Judged 45 yard line, laying unconscious and extremely pale.  Dredd yells at the refs, who say Sonic is just dehydrated and needs rest. Medic attempts a heal, but notices a pair of bite marks on the hedgehog’s neck.

The Balrog on the field again, V’s face in an eternal grin as he hands the ball off to Death for a quick gain. Working short plays and heavy ground game, the Terrors grind their way across the field until the Balrog, finally catching on, rips a pass to Deadpool out of the air and drives forward for a couple yards before the Terrors take him down by the ankles. The Balrog receives several cheers from his bench as he heads back over, but honestly he has no idea what they’re trying to get across.

Aquaman takes his offense to the field again, Aragorn coming in for the debilitated blue hedgehog. War trots on the field with a roar from the crowd. Less his crossbow, he’d been saving for the right moment with Sonic. They make several successful gains against the horseman before the clock rolls to the second quarter.

War continues to hold as Aquaman pushes against the horseman and his arsenal, but finally the Judged fail to convert on a 4^th and 1, and kick the ball to the Terrors offensive corps. Deadpool cheers and begins to monologue as V reminds him a “veritable vastness of villainy” approached. He uses an image generator to disguise himself as the masked man and manages to pick up a long gain before Hawkeye got tired of this shit and started to fire boxing glove arrows. The Cylons come on as defense and shut down the Terrors running game, until Neo inadvertently takes a handoff and runs the opposite direction. Death swoops in and runs him down in the endzone, cutting down the traitorous player, spilling robotic guts across the endzone. Confused at the lack of a soul to collect, Death notices the Cylons celebrating the touchdown and begins to put 2 and 2 together. “Aawww! It was a Cylon! Ya’ll is a Cylon!” The redneck has only seen one episode of Battlestar Galactica. Hawkeye sends an extra point flying and kicks off again to the Terrors as the 2^nd quarter begins to close. Judged up 14-7. “

Hawkeyes “kick”, consisting of a trick arrow with a football, sails high, catches a crosswind created by giant fan Deadpool has set up in the endzone, and lands short where Joker takes the ball and rushes forward into the core of the Mega City One Judged. As they slam him to the ground at the 50 yard line, Deadpool flips off the fan, and a green gas emanates from the green haired villain. The Judged offense, begins to laugh maniacally as Red Robin loops around them to the endzone. As the Judged offense takes to their bench, Judge Dredd doesn’t look near as amused. Dracula somehow manages to maintain his extra point kicking record and send another through the uprights. Tie game just before the half.

Facing another kickoff, with most of his bench rolling off the bench laughing, Dredd sends in his second string offense with Silver Surfer to round things out. Dracula’s kick off FINALLY makes good and Evelyn Carnahan catches the ball and makes a short gain. War keeps the Mega City crew on their side of the field as the time runs out. Halftime Score 14-14.

“Yeh, these here rookie teams be workin’ it hard fer the money out ther’!” The brain addled backcountryman states. “Here wit me at halftime is our guest commentryator, Bender. Bender, whatcha got to say about this game?”

“I’ll tell you what I think my drunken friend, this game needs a lot more killing. These meatbags are just flailing at each other out there. Now that War guy, he’s got it figured out. He’s out there, on a giant horse, hauling around weapons, he’s a total killing machine! And I know something about killing machines, used to date one. Ah yeah, she was a piece of work.” Bender stops a moment and recalls his time with the suicide booth. “Yeah, but anyway, more fighting, more killing, more War, and more biting my shiny metal ass.” Bender drops the microphone and struts away.

“Ya herd it here first folks, more War and more ass!”

Halftime ends and the teams come out of the locker room. Wirt seems to be carry a small book, and he hands it off to Judge Dredd, who flips through it. Terrors line up to receive, as Hawkeye nocks the ball/arrow combination. The “kick” goes up, and Death gets his hands on it, throttling Throttle on his way to the Judged 30 yard line. Already deep in Judged territory, V starts a run game against the Balrog whose fire whip keeps the running game to short bursts. After a short timeout and some kind of communication between the Balrog & Data, V drops back on a 3^rd & 2, looking to hit Alcide running a route for a touchdown when the Balrog, who we think is tired of this shit, smacks V to the ground with the flame whip. The ever smirking man in black is goes down hard and is carted off the field. The Terrors have the ball on a 4^th & 10 now, their starting QB looks to be out for the game. A look is shared between Chernobog, Death and War, as War suits up to take V’s place. 4^th and 10, War doesn’t seem scared. The horseman lines up and calls the play as normal, the Balrog charges forward War fakes left and then rolls right, hauls back for screen pass to the Red Hood, when the Balrog plucks the ball from the air and collapses a few yards later. “Dayum! A sack and a take-a-way! Fire demon came to PLAY folks!” The Terrors sulk back to their bench, the chance for a big play, ruined by Durin’s Bane.

Alcide steps out to play defense for the Terrors, Chernobog knows it’s time for some payback. The chiseled wolf lines up against the Judged refreshed offense. The last we saw these guys, they were falling over themselves laughing thanks to a canister of Joker’s laughing gas. Aquaman takes the hike and throws to Medic coming across the center. The German doctor makes the catch and turns to run upfield, when he collides with the mass of werewolf. The doctor, Medi Gun, and ball all hit the ground. Alcide scoops up the ball and sprints downfield, dodging past Aquaman on the way to the Judged endzone. Dracula comes on to the field to make his extra point kick, giving the Terrors their first lead at 21-14 as the Judged only healer is carted off field. Dredd continues to flip through a book on the sideline as if he’s searching for something.

Dracula kicks to the Judged again. AGAIN, kicking AWFULLY. Throttle jumps to catch the ball midair and slides down at the Terrors 35 yard line. Already deep in enemy territory, the Judged are set up to eliminate the lead the Terrors have created. Alcide back in, just having gotten warmed up before lines up against Aquaman and his crew, joined by Evie in the Medic’s slot. Dredd has a quick conversation with Legolas before the snap. Aquaman plays it smart, working a close run game against the wolf, utilizing a handoff to Legolas who spots the open Aragorn and hits him with a quick pass to land an easy touchdown. A little vengeance for the Judged, bringing it back to 21-21 after the kick. Dredd hands the small book back to Wirt, who looks pleased with himself.

Hawkeye is summoned once more for the “kickoff” to the Terrors. But his kickoff is terrible as someone let Deadpool get back to his giant fan in the endzone. Throttl e rides past the kickoff team and trashes the fan, Deadpool narrates. Turns out, it was his favorite fan. The Red Hood gets his hands on the ball and takes it into Judged territory as Judge Dredd looks back to Wirt for the small book. The Balrog comes back to hold down the Terrors. War does NOT look amused this time. He sends a short pass to Deadpool, who gets the catch, and is subsequently crushed by the Balrog. As he’s pulls off field to let his healing factor fix him up, time runs out of the 3^rd quarter.

War makes short work of the rest of their possession, hitting Death and Neo for handoffs and shovel passes to make their way into the endzone. Not settling for an extra point, War calls for the team to line up for the 2 point conversion attempt. Balrog stands firm and keeps the Terrors out, Chernobog is not happy with his new QB’s call. Terrors are still up 27-21.

The Judged know the clock is ticking, the kickoff from Dracula is average, but his best one yet today. Legolas takes the run up field to the 50 yard line. Aquaman calls the play and sends a pass to Carmen Sandiego. Carmen misses the pass completely, as Alcide tears into Aquaman with a brutal aggression. Aquaman is pulled from the field and given a bottle of water, whereas Alcide is tranquilized and removed from the field by the referees.

War rolls his eyes and nods to Death and Chernobog, taking the field in Alcide’s place. Death begins to prepare for his new role as QB with War back on defense and V down and out. Aragorn comes on to lead the Judged, with Data in as Running Back. The Judged offense struggles against War. Who seems to have a trick up his sleeve for any play they attempt. Hawkeye comes in to have to kick as the horsemen trade spots on the field with Death leading the Terrors offense now. Still up 27-21 as the 4^th quarter ticks away.

The Balrog comes back in to play defense as Death and Neo keep the fire demon on his toes. The running game of the Terrors begins to eat up the clock. The Balrog looks frantic, his sideline order getting angrier as Judge Dredd flips through the book on the sideline and throws it back at Wirt. The Balrog takes a swing at Death, unhorsing him as he goes by, as Neo sneaks around the back with the ball in hand. As the clocks runs down time literally slows down as Neo dodges the flame sword from Durin’s Bane, and he lands in the endzone. Dredd orders his team off the field and doesn’t bother to defend the kick for a final extra point as the game is finished. The Terrors judge the Judges, 34-21.