Militants vs. Automatons

THE MILITANTS OF OOO

vs.

THE MITHRIL AUTOMATONS

Coin Toss: Automatons win, will receive

Kickoff: Hagrid kicks lightly to Kirby, who makes no gain before being taken down by Jake the Dog. 

1st Quarter: Starting strong, Gandalf refuses to allow the Automatons to pass. Having to rely on their running game, the Automatons quickly learn that they can't outrun the Foot Clan. V becomes their only hope but can't get the ball when completely surrounded by Foot every play. The Militants regain the ball Crash avoids the Roughnecks entirely for an immediate touchdown. Hawkeye nails a pass to Jake for the conversion. Time runs out while the Automatons are trying to run back up field with no success. 

2nd Quarter: Kong fails on a 40 yard throwaway fourth down kick and once again the Militants receive the ball. This time the Cheshire Cat avoids the Roughnecks for a touchdown and Hawkeye lands a conversion pass. The Automatons finally manage to make some pass plays which send them further down field. With V still surrounded, Iskandar summons his chariot and rides into the end zone. The team plays it safe and Kong succeeds on the extra point kick. The militans regain the ball with a while left and do a hand off to Hagrid. With no one on their team able to tackle him, Hagrid makes a very slow touchdown that runs out the clock. The team fails to make the conversion. 

3rd Quarter: Blackbeard steals Hagrid's kink and himself returns for an extremely slow touchdown. Down a bit the Automatons go for the conversion but are blocked by the Foot Clan. The Militants regain possession and once again Crash ignores the Roughnecks for an immediate touchdown followed up by Hawkeye landing a conversion pass. Kirby manages to suck in all the Foot Clan while Sailor Moon sneaks in for the touchdown unmolested. This time the team succeeds on the conversion.

4th Quarter: Once again with the ball, this time the militants begin trying to let the clock run out. Eventually Hawkeye manages a touchdown pass and then Jake stretches into the endzone for the conversion. The Automatons regain the ball, and get their last touchdown with seconds left after the Gelatinous Cube absorbs the abilities of the Foot Clan. They succeed on the conversion but it isn't enough to prevent the upset. 

Final: MOO 38 - MA 29

Leviathans vs. Pandas

THE INNSMOUTH LEVIATHANS

vs.

THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT PANDAS

Coin Toss: Leviathans win, will receive.

Kickoff: Korben kicks to Throttle, who fumbles when Indiana Jones sticks one of the 1st down markers from the sidelines into the front spoke of his bike and is injured. Indy grabs the ball and heads to the endzone. Smaug thinks he catches him right before the endzone only to see the professor utilize his whip to swing around the dragon's mouth and score the touchdown. 

Entire Game Synopsis: Without Throttle, the Leviathans find their running game slow while the Panda defense Warriors keep a strong watch on receivers. It doesn't help that the Leviathans go through a progressive series of benched people as their horror selves keep actively trying to break the rules and injure the Pandas. Conversely, the Pandas have sharpened their game and came together as a team in a very cohesive way, and keep finding themselves in the end zone without overly relying on any one character. Everyone gets a bit of the spotlight. There is a small brawl in the third between the Warriors and Kratos but it is broken up without any permanent damage to either side. 

Final: IL 14 - SHP 32

Eels vs. Sentinels

THE GUILDER BAY SHRIEKING EELS

vs.

THE CYBERTRON SENTINELS

Coin Toss: The Sentinels with Han always shoot first, so they win and will receive.

Kickoff: Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ comes out and kicks a fair distance to Sentinel catcher (in many ways...) Ana Steele, who ends up covered in web and tied up by Spider-Man after a short gain. She loves it. 

1st Quarter: The Sentinels press forward when Ethan Hunt manages to bypass The Hulk for a touchdown. A pissed off Hulk gets even angrier when Ichigo succeeds on the extra point kick. The Eels gain possession and while in play Eel Loras keeps commenting and giving compliments to the Sentinel Data, which overloads his emotion chip and makes him feel love for the first time (that time with Yar was just sex). Data leaves the Sentinels (replaced by Dan Connor, who follows him) for the game to sit with Loras and cheer him on. This greatly weakens the Sentinel offense as they no longer can predict the movements of The Hulk. The Eels touchdown with Alcide and Spidey swings in for the conversion. A weakened offensive Sentinels line comes out for a hard press forward until finally, on a fourth down, He-Man summons Battle Cat and bypasses Hulk. Ichigo succeeds on the kick again. 

2nd Quarter: Dan Connor finally has turned down Data's emotion chip and the now-upset-at-being-fooled android rejoins his team. The eels take it in stride and begin verbally calling out their next plays anyways, and still succeeding as the G.I. Joes just can't compete. When the Sentinels gain possession, Hulk does the same with his plays though all he says is "hulk smash." It is still deadly accurate. Alcide injures Boba Fett, He-Man, and Data in one horribly pissed off play after the Fett's arm cannon injures Bill Clinton, and is forced to leave the game. Voldemort comes out for the former President and Bean comes out for Alcide, while the Eels bring out Megatron, Optimus Primal, and Engineer. 

2nd Half: Only once do the Eels find themselves back in the end zone. Though Engineer keeps giving out solid advice and play strategies to his team, The pissed off Hulk is able to halt most of his team. Meanwhile the G. I. Joe offense can't hold back the might of the Eels. In the final moments of play, as the clock ticks down and the teams go ahead and enter the field to begin shaking hands, Ethan Hunt falls dead. Lord Voldemort slips away from the crowd and the clock hits zero. 

Final: GBSE 48 - CS 20

RIP
Ethan Hunt
1962 - 2013

Season 3, Week 3 Interim: The Coalition of the Killing

CLANDESTINE MEETING

In the middle of the night, all coaches (except Lt. Columbo of the Eels) 

received the following letter from Princess Bubblegum of the Militants.

All the receiving teams responded.

With the stakes drawn on attendance, members from those teams interested

in joining this Coalition of the Killing begin making their way to the Bad Lands of Ooo.

*Indiana Jones climbs Mountains, cuts through jungles, outruns giant rolling balls, angry Natives, Nazis and Evil Indians, braces against the coldest winter snows, rescues a few damsels in distress and tears up his clothes accidentally revealing a patch of chest before arriving at OOO bloody but with his trademark smile and dimple*

 The journey to the land of Ooo was not difficult for the Automatons team. Professor Layton initially contacted Char Aznable, the Red Comet, to charter transportation in the MSN-04 Sazabi, but the secret was spoiled by Iskandar, the King of Conquerors. So interested in this journey to the strange land that the Rider class hero convinced his teammates and allies to go with him, much to the chagrin of his master, Waver Velvet. 
In all, the final total of arrivals to Ooo consisted of Professor Layton and Char in the Sazabi, Sagara Sousuke in the Arbalest, the two kings Iskandar and Saber on Iskandar's own Gordius Wheel, and even Kirby managed to ride there on the Dragoon with Blackbeard holding on for dear life. What kind of plans would everyone have by coming to this secret meeting?

Newman arrives in Ooo via highly energy inefficient hybrid going 30 the whole way. He shows up just to spite Kramer who he assumes didn't get an invitation.

Leia arrives in a Z83 S-class Cloud Car speeder. 
(It really was as easy as that.)

Meanwhile, the Crows send out a message to the Aberrations, Pandas, Browncoats, and the Eels themselves to see if they'd like to have a fun time crashing the party. The Aberrations and Pandas sign on, and we wait for confirmation from the other two for this Coalition of the Chilling.

Additionally, the Aberrations send a care package to the Eels:

A gargoyle files from a chasm that appeared outside Guilder Bay, and drops a package at the 50 yard line with a note for Lt. Columbo and package for Lord Voldemort.

The package to Voldemort has a fan letter attached, signed by both the leaders of the hive mind, and the present team of the Asgardian Aberrations. Claiming to be his "Number 1 Fans" and "Keep up the good work". Lastly, that they hope the gift is suitable.

Upon opening the box, a wand has been carefully wrapped in flesh (origin questionable) and a note describing it's makeup.
Haft - Whittled World Tree
Core - Phoenix Feather (for familiarity)
Pommel - Uru

The letter to Lt. Columbo describes the matters at hand with the other teams in the league, and fear of Lord Voldemort and further killing. It says that the Aberrations, while notably are not siding with the Eels, are remaining completely neutral in the matter. And hope this token of goodwill is appreciated. The letter is signed by Coach Heimdall, and says "P.S. If the Hippie Punchers were still here, nobody would have even noticed."

Tune in Next week for the conclusion of this exhibition event. 

Browncoats vs. Impalers

THE BIG DAMN BROWNCOATS

vs.

THE IMMORTAL IMPALERS

Coin Toss: Impalers win, will receive.

Kickoff: Megaman launches long to Predator, who avoids Swanson and makes a large gain before being taken down by Rey Mysterio, Jr. - almost (but not quite) fumbling the ball. 

Entire Game Synopsis: The Impaler offense proves too fast for the Cylons Browncoats to catch, and easily outmaneuver them for a quick touchdown and conversion. For the Browncoats, Neil manages to correctly predict the Bregan D'arethe Immortal Defense plays enough to put the team on a series of first downs to a touchdown and conversion. Though occasionally one team manages to hold back the other for a play or so using a kink, the team rushes or intelligently marches on during the next play. The game remains tied when the clock finally runs out. 

Overtime: In Halftime the Immortals look poised to score and finally put an end to the madness when Browncoat Stainless Steel Rat manages to trick them into giving up the ball. With possession and a final chance to win, Neil hands off to Lancer who laterals to Spy, but Spy catches it before he even throws it, putting Spy on the outside line to run it in for a touchdown. 

Final: BDB 110 - II 104

Crows vs. MIA

THE CHARMING CROWS

vs.

THE ALDERAAN M.I.A.

Coin Toss: MIA win, will receive

Kickoff: Green Arrow throws long to Scout, who avoids Sonic for a return a touchdown. 

1st Quarter: Weakened by the loss of one of their members last week, the Alderaan defensive line can't seem to block all the receivers and we see the Crows play a tight passing game that gets them a touchdown and a conversion. However, the Alderaan offensive line easily outruns the Crows defense for a fast return touchdown followed by a QB sneak by Flash for the conversion. This repeats itself for the entire quarter as the Crows slowly pass upfield for eventual success and the MIA quickly zip into the end zone.

2nd Quarter: Knowing they are keeping their team from pulling ahead, the MIA defense manages to lower the offensive tactical might of Crow QB Sinestro for the quarter. Realizing this, the Crows begin to go down their line as several members use abilities designed to distract or incapacitate the defense. This allows the entire quarter to become a quick succession of MIA speedsters entering the end zone, and Crows ignoring the defense to return as well. 

2nd Half: As both of the second half quarters play like the first, there isn't really much to say. The MIA machine can't be caught by the Crows defense, and even subbing in King Kong only stops them for one down here and there. Meanwhile, the MIA defense can't hold back the Crows who continue to return. In the end, the MIA take it by one touchdown - the return touchdown from the first kickoff. 

Final: CC 56 - MIA 62

Aberrations vs. Grenades

THE ASGARD ABERRATIONS

vs.

THE ATLUS ROCKET PROPELLED GRENADES

Coin Toss: Grenades win, will receive

Kickoff: Squirrel Girl kicks lightly to Luke Skywalker, who makes a large gain and manages to avoid a tackle from Wolverine (by using his lightsaber to superheat his skeletal system and send him into a fit of massive pain, receiving a sith point) but is eventually taken down by Uncle Sam and Goro.

1st Quarter: Samurai Jack manages to avoid a penalty when he uses European Football kicks for a lateral pass by discussing his superior knowledge of the rules of the game. The pass is ruled legal, which sets the Grenades for a 1st and Goal. Jack's ability to avoid the penalty doesn't go unnoticed by Lobo, who checks him hard. During the play Morris stopped time to rearrange the field and allow the Grenades to get into the end zone, but unbeknownst to him by doing so he set up the tackle that Lobo was preparing for Samurai Jack to be even worse. Nearly crippled, Samurai Jack is escorted off the field and replaced by Brienne of Tarth. But the Grenades score. As the Grenades offense leaves the field and the Aberrations come in, Spider Jerusalem manages to get the upper hand and destroys Drizzt's Twinkle sword, negating its effects until it can be repaired by a blacksmith or mechanic character. Extremely pissed off, the Aberrations take out their frustrations on The Funky Bunch. Demoman grenade launches and injures a couple of their members, while Magneto and an-especially-pissed-off-Wolverine fastball to the end zone. The conversion is good and possession changes back to the Grenades. An especially-aggravated-Lobo gets even more Lobo-y pissed when Skywalker predicts his movements and manages to slip by and outrun him for a return touchdown. He brings out the chains in an attempt to prevent the erratic Cosmo from making the conversion and is successful in doing so. Demoman and the Abberations come back out, and the quarter ends with them at 2nd and 8. 

2nd Quarter: In an interesting twist, benchmate Holmes predicts the play and Demoman loads another grenade. Slipping the ball to the outside with Drizzt he launches to Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch but loads up the grenade with cocaine for shits and giggles. Though fun in the idea stage, Demoman might not have been aware of Marky Mark's past and unknowingly just created SuperMarkyMark and the SuperFunky Bunch. Drizzt manages the touchdown, but then Walter says fuck that shit and undoes the Grenade Launcher kink usage which takes away the touchdown, though it can't undo time and the coked our Funky Bunch are still around.  In all this mix, Uncle Sam manages to sway Beorn to the Aberrations side, but has him stay on their bench for the time being. The Aberrations use Vash who drops his act and bypasses the coked out Grenade defensive line since they ignored him thinking he was stupid, managing to regain the touchdown. But the team can't get by the coked out boston boys. The Grenades regain possession moments before the half. 

3rd Quarter: Starting strong, the Grenades use Morris again and manage to bypass Lobo for a touchdown. Skywalker predicts Lobo's moves again and helps his team to get the two point conversion. The Aberrations take control and rely on a simple running game of "short pass to Goro and let him go as far as he can before being tackled" over and over until close to the goal line. Then they mix it up with the fastball but - oh my, Wovlerine is caught in midair by coked out Marky Mark who saw him coming, fumbling the ball but being shredded to bits by the extremely-pissed-for-even-himself Wolverine. The ball is picked up by one of the members of the Funky Bunch who begins raping and carrying but Drizzt stops him with his sword Icingdeath (it nixes fire, and the funky bunch was "spittin fire"). Drizzt manages to regain possession and return the touchdown. Squirrel Girl goes for the safe kick route and succeeds, looking adorable while doing so. 

4th Quarter: Down by 1, the Grenades call on their benchmate Aang who manages to buff up and enter play. Spider and Aang manage to evade the pissed off Lobo for a touchdown and Aang succeeds on the conversion. The Aberrations gain the ball and are joined by benchmate Simba and newfound ally Beorn, who tear through the few remaining Funky Bunchers who are starting to sober up. This quarter becomes a terrifying back and forth of return touchdowns and conversions, keeping the lead passing from one team to the next. Finally, the winner is decided when time runs out before the Grenades can get a chance to return. 

Final: AA 52 - RPG 51

RIP
"Marky" Mark Wahlberg
1971 - 2013