A story about the Eels, the New Scum, love making, and unapologetic violence.

Major Commissioner is psyched. “ALRIGHT! We got TWO old school teams bringing their old school game up in this new school arena! You wanted football? You’re getting THIS INSTEAD! We’ve match the top preseason ranked teams from the Arneson and Gygax conferences in one BRUTAL game! Spider Jerusalem vs the ever cunning Eels! We’ll go to Skipper on the field. Skipper?”

Skipper is literally drooling.  “AAWW YEAH! It’s going DOWN today! Lookit Carol Ferris?! Dayum. And Buffy is looking PRIME! WOO! It’s gonna git hot in here!”

Spider walks up with Neil in tow for the coin flip. Lt. Columbo is partnered with Carol Ferris as they walk up. NPH straightens his tie. He’s wearing a charcoal Armani suit, displaying the full Barney Stintson, Carol is looking lovely tonight in a Vince Camuto number in a lavender hue. The two look stare each other down as Spider and Columbo exchange pleasantries, well, as pleasant as Spider gets. The coin is flipped. The Eels will receive.

Skipper is estactic “Oh Dayum! Did ya’ll see them lookit each other? It’s going DOWN tonight! Spider & Columbo are not friendly!” The redneck has NO idea about the silent exchange between NPH & Carol.

The teams line up, Malcolm Reynolds rolls out his ankle “Well, here’s to another year of this mess.” He charges forward and kicks the ball, sailing to the Eels backfield backs, Snake Eyes catches the ball and silently moves out. He jukes past Spider and the brothers McManus, kick flips off Captain America’s shield, and downs the ball to avoid being sliced in half by Brienne of Tarth. “Knights and Ninjas! This gonna be FUN!” the redneck hoots.

As the teams go to each side, scenes unfold on separate ends of the field. Neil Patrick Harris and Carol Ferris are rolling in one endzone, articles of clothing are flying in each direction. Snake Eyes snaps his finger and Carol looks up, confused, grins at the actor and walks off. NPH is blue balled. In the opposing endzone, Samauri Jack seems to have encountered Black Adam. His experience with beings of supernatural nature seems to have paid off. The Eels Tight End lays in the endzone holding his entrails in. Samurai Jack seems to be bruised, but in good spirits. “We ain’t saw the last of ANY of this I reckon!”

The New Scum have a seat while Lobo cracks his neck. It’s fraggin go time. As the Czarnian walks on the field, the rookie Aqualad, Jax Hyde, taunts him. He obviously wants a piece of the main man.

The Atom lines up behind center, the smartest pick the Eels have made for a quarterback yet, Zorro comes in for the wounded Black Adam, who refused any assistance getting to the bench. The ball is hiked, suddenly a bubble appears around Lobo, and he seem sluggish as he runs after the carrier. He catches Snake Eyes after a short gain. The Atom, not messing with a system that works, continues to play short passes and runs against the sluggish Lobo until he carries them into the endzone. As the extra point goes up from Demoman and explodes into fireworks, Lobo seems to have a sideline conversation with his coach concerning his issues.

Eels up 7-0, the two teams take to the field for the next possession. Demoman fires a ball up, and Murphy McManus makes the catch. Charging forward, the running back is drug down by Snake Eyes at his 40 yard line. The Goonies lead their friend, The Hulk, onto the field.

Spider takes the hike, waits for Hulk to get close before dodging past and hitting Brienne for a pass. She’s quickly surrounded by the children and drug down. She looks confused on whether or not she should draw her sword on them. After a couple plays, and a few converted first down, the bulk of the Hulk stops the New Scum’s offensive drive. Malcolm comes in and kicks a field goal, settling for 3 points over the 7. The New Scum start to devise a new plan against the Eels capable offense.

Another drive with Lobo in the bubble, and another touchdown for the Eels as the 1^st quarter ends. 14-3 for the Eels.

The second quarter is actually just good football, Black Adam comes back in, but the New Scum eat up enough time with the ball, they’re able to get 2 possessions to the Eels 1. Each team scores on each drive, no issues, no injuries, but you can tell the Atom & Spider are feeling each other out. The offenses are balanced, Hulk has gotten madder, and Lobo is struggling. The teams hit the locker room 21-17 Eels up.

As the teams head out of the locker room, the Eels look charged up and ready to finish the game. Carol has changed out of her evening gown into her traditional Lantern attire. The New Scum look focused, they know they’ve got a close game, and a mad Hulk. Spider must have a plan.

Demoman with the “kickoff” and Neil comes up with the ball. Rushing into the madness, he avoids Black Adam, Uncle Sam and John Moore with a little help from his friends, jukes past Carol throwing her a wink as he does so, she blushes slightly, he grins and slams into Jax Hyde. Who is then smacked over the head with a coffin by Django. The Aqualad goes out on a stretcher to Jozan while the New Scum take a harsh penalty for the personal foul. Django gets a warning, since Spider is able to convince the ref that his momentum carried him into Jax, who made no attempt to dodge. Neil’s heavy gain is pushed back to the 40 yard line, doubling Spider’s distance to the goal. Doubling the chance an angry Hulk could get his hands on him. Making use of a suggestion from Malcolm, Spider goes with short confusing runs between himself, Murphy, and Neil until they’re close enough to the end zone to let Cap take a screen pass. 24-21, New Scum with their first lead. But they’re also about to kick the ball back to The Atom and Company.

Malcolm kicks, Carol receives, Neil tackles. 60 offensive yards between The Atom and retaking his lead. It’s anyone’s game.

Lobo comes back out for the New Scum, in hopes that Jax having went down makes things a little easier. That idea doesn’t pan out as now Black Adam is a pain in the Czarnian’s rear. Black Adam’s focus ability shuts down Lobo’s efficiency, making him result to using the chain for some distance tackles. In the end, Zorro making a crazy forward pass play to Snake Eyes results in a touchdown. Demo man “kicks” fireworks go off, the shape of a bottle of liquor. “Yeah! That guy loves his hooch!” The redneck cheers as he takes a sip from his own, similar, bottle. Eels back up, 28-24.

Demoman kicks off again to the New Scum, the ball sailing to Spider, who rolls right with Samurai Jack and they move up the right sideline. Brienne gets into a tousle with Snake Eyes, the Eels leader in tackles on kickoffs at this point. Harris catches an ankle on Carol and smacks that ass as he gets up. At about the 40 yard line, Spider nods, and Jack splits off making a B-line to Black Adam. The samurai leaps and spins, the two players connect and both go down in a heap. Spider takes the kickoff back for a touchdown amidst the chaos. Hulk smashes a bench over his head. The New Scum make a crazy fake extra point play, and throw it to Cap for a 2 point conversion. New Scum take back the lead 32-28 now.

The New Scum kick to the Eels. Snake eyes takes a long stroll downfield and ends up on the New Scum 30 yard line. The Eels aren’t fooling around at this point.

The Atom sets back and throws to Carol, but a chain & sickle knock the ball out of the air, and into Lobo’s hands, he gets nowhere before the Eels leap on him as the 4^th Quarter rolls around. And Lobo is drug off the field with Spider cursing at him “It’s about frappin’ time, you last of your race dimwit.”

The New Scum offense lines up against an enraged Hulk and a bunch of delightful kids. Buffy comes in for Samurai Jack, who’s still out cold on the sidelines. As Spider hikes the ball, she charges forward at the Hulk and wraps her arms around his neck, kissing him on the cheek. “HULK!” She shouts “We can leave all this, today, right now, lets go!” The green giant stops in his tracks, and stares at her. “HULK…STOP SMASH NOT SPIDER-SPIDER-MAN?” Spider Jerusalem rolls his eyes hard at the fact we was just referred to in such a way. “Yes, we don’t have to do this anymore, we can just leave, and hunt vampires, together.” Spider doesn’t even move the ball, everything hinges on this answer. He knows something is about to turn to mush, either his teammate, or the Hulk’s heart. “HULK SMASH VAMPIRES FOR YOU PRETTY GIRL.” And he leaps high as the two bound off, out of the arena. Columbo calls an immediate time out, Chunk & Sloth roll up and make the tackle as Spider tries to sneak past the line for a short gain.

Columbo gets his team together, benches the Goonies, and draws a wild card for his defense. John Moore suits up. In all his rage fed, Red Lantern glory, he takes the field against the diminished offense of the New Scum. Captain America takes a seat and hands his shield off to Deathstroke, who takes up Cap’s slot position, Django lines up next to him to replace Jack as Tight End.

Spider makes his new offense work, Rankorr doesn’t give in though. Deathstroke takes a pass and runs down the sideline, the Rage Lantern decks the shield toting terminator and Deathstroke goes down hard. Spider curses, his latest plan foiled. Cap takes his shield and position back as the New Scum line up for the first down. Rankorr takes his warning and the New Scum penetrate deep into Eels territory before Spider connects with NPH for a much needed touchdown. Extra point goes up and is good. 39-28, the New Scum winning early in the 4^th.

Columbo nods to Atom. Snake Eyes gets the kick deep into New Scum territory quick, the 35 yard line. Brienne of Tarth sets up as defense. Jax Hyde is back on the field, Atom calls for a different type of play. Brienne has NO idea what happens as a series of passes blasts between Jax, Zorro, the Atom, and Snake Eyes, before connecting with Carol in the endzone. “Holy Shit folks! You see that? That play ain’t even legal in 7 states!” Columbo holds for a moment, score at 39-34, does he kick, or try for the conversion? 36 points is risky to achieve, but makes the game tieable with a stop, and a field goal. 35 points will require a touchdown.

Columbo looks at his team, Jax is back. The Atom is feeling strong, not having played much yet this quarter, his opponent missing several players, he motion for the kick. “Heh, go big or go home” he chuckles.

Demoman sends up a ball that explodes into a shockingly accurate pornographic image after clearing the posts. 39-35, New Scum still up, take the field to receive. Spider is grasping at straws and cursing up a storm. Deathstroke is down, that was his 4^th quarter plan. Lobo is out. Buffy is gone, but she took the Hulk with her. And Jack is still unconscious. He fields Django again at Tight End, and Ulrich at Wide Reciever, hoping his armor might keep him up through this drive.

Demoman kicks down the field, Neil takes the ball for a short run before the intensity of the Eels bears him down at his own 35 yard line.

Spider has a lot of field, but only time to kill, he works his angles, hitting Django for several short passes, sending one to Ulrich for a first down, who would have been wounded in the tackle from Rankorr, had it not been for his armor. Spider, seeing that Rankorr is only another play or so from knocking another teammate out, settles for a kick on a 4^th & short. Hoping to keep the Eels stagnant in the last seconds of the game. 42-35

Malcolm kicks well back to the Eels, but Snake Eyes gets to the New Scum 45 before the brothers McManus stop him.“Columbo’s gotta git a touchdown like a stripper’s gotta buy formula!” The redneck remarks. Columbo nods to Atom, they’ve saved back special plays, just in case. They’d hoped they’d never have to use them in the first game though. Zorro lining up again where Black Adam once was. The Atom hikes, and runs straight towards Brienne of Tarth, steel bared, Spider screaming on the sidelines to “gut the bastard and take the ball” her blade moves like water, an extension of her arm as the fine edge whistles against the air. She’s trained for this moment her entire life, taking out of opponent means a definite win for her team. The bulk of her armor steadies her momentum, she’s centered, ready, focused like a tiger ready to pounce for the kill. Her eyes glare at her target, the short man is not unattractive, the strange heraldry on his chest is unknown to her, likely another up-jumped hedge knight. She can see where her sword is going to strike, cut through the fabric of his uniform, bone, muscle, straight into his chest, she doesn’t intend to kill the man, but he’ll know he was in a fight, and he’ll never forget her name. This blow, and her father might finally be proud of her. She might finally gain the love and respect of the lord of the Sapphire Isle. “Fer the love of god! HIT HIM.” Skipper cries.

Ray Palmer is physicist, one of the world’s top scientific minds. He knows he could never hope to go toe to toe with this woman before him. She could give Diana a run for her money on size and strength, hell, for all he knows, she might BE Amazonian. But where she grew up with brawn, he grew up with brains. And he knows better than to fight brawn, with brawn he doesn’t have. So Ray Palmer, the Atom, simply shrinks himself down to the near molecular level, with the ball in hand, and runs forward as the clocks runs out. “The hell did he go?!” Shouted the redneck commentator, confused, yet again.

Brienne catches only air. Gasping at the space her enemy was, she knows some sorcery is obviously afoot. She sees a flicker of movement at her feet, and chases the tiny many across the field, chopping at him constantly, ungracefully, with her bastard sword. The Atom so small, shes unable to actually connect with him, the clock buzzes, she increases the speed of her chopping, her lungs on fire, her pauldrons screeching with each awkward chop, dirt gouging from the ground and flying into the air. Finally, she hacks up a bit of colored grass, and realizes the Atom has made it to the end zone. She has failed. The Atom grows back to normal size, and sincerely puts a hand on her shoulder. He regretted having to diminish one as noble as this woman, but it had to be done. New Scum 42-41. Columbo has to decide. Extra point for the tie and overtime? Or try the conversion for the win?

Spider has nearly gone hoarse, he’s his 5^th cigarette of the possession.
Columbo goes for the conversion.

Spider sends in Neil Patrick Harris, seating the exhausted knight. The Atom goes back far and throws to Zorro, Neil dives in for the tackle, but is caught in another aquatic force field as Jax grins and takes a forward pass from Zorro. Seeing Carol feet from the endzone, he lobs the ball easily into her hands.

The Eels, with the last play, after time expired, pull it out 43-42. The New Scum, nearly having caused an upset, leave the field upset.

Ghost Peppers get catty with the Guardians

“We got more newbies playing now. Some hot pepper team, and some guys who guard stuff. We don’t know nothing bout them yet, but it’s gon be a good time!”

The two teams meet up on the field, Two-Face and Han Solo with Asmodeus, the Coach of the Ghost Peppers, and The Flash with his coach. The coin goes up, but everyone knows how it’ll work out, the Ghost Peppers win the toss, and will receive. The Bregan D’aerthe get ready for combat.

Before the teams separate, Calvin, a six year old boy pulls a box up between the two teams. He begins to hand out stuffed tigers to everyone. He explains that the tiger is everyones new best friend, for the entirety of the game, and to NOT LET THEM GET HURT. I mean, you shouldn’t hurt your friends right? With a sidelong glance at Batman, Calvin distributes the tigers. “The hell, whys all them stuffed animals out there? Whats he planning?” The redneck is obviously and often confused.

Darkseid grins holding his stuffed tiger close to his side as he kicks the ball to the Ghost Peppers. He then stops and calls forth the power of the new gods to strike down those who think themselves above himself. A flash of light hits Two Face as he catches the ball and runs forward, running headlong into Predator. As Two Face hits the ground, he falls on his pet tiger, as he gets up he forgets it and Calvin collects it.

Without much of a run, Two Face takes the hike, facing down the ever dangerous dastardly dark elves of the D’aerthe. He rushes forward doesn’t attempt to hand the ball off to Spider Man or Goro, both of whom are at the ready. The Bregan D’aerthe are delighted and knock the villain over. Asmodeus sees something is wrong with Two Face, and quickly subs Batman. Who walks in carrying his pet tiger. The Bregan D’aerth see a new quarterback, and decide to keep him off his toes. As the ball is hiked, a globe of darkness encompasses Batman. The Ghost Peppers step back, not sure what to do, as two members of the merc guild enter the globe, and are quickly dispatched and thrown back out. “Aww dayum! You see that? They got batmanned! WOOO! You don’t turn out the lights on the dark knight son!” Superman takes the opportunity to fly past the Bregan and Batman sends a hard pass to the Kryptonian before he clumsily sails out of bounds. First down, no problem.

Batman isn’t used to running this offense, Two Face had taken most of the practice snaps. But he knew what needed to be done. He lines up a short pass to Spiderman, but gets intercepted by the fast moving dark elves. They gain a few yards before spider man webs him up and takes him down.

Offenses switch, Flash has no idea why he has a tiger, but he’s perfectly comfortable with the idea. He recalls reading the comic strip Calvin & Hobbs when he was young. Suddenly, he feels something move in his arm, as his tiger looks up at him and asks “Hey, what kinda play we gonna run here?” Mouth agape, Flash whispers a reply to the tiger, and it nestles down against him and helps count the snap. Ball in hand, Flash looks for Frodo who takes the handoff and a side route with Flash faking to the opposite. Flash acts like his tiger is going to attack the Unsullied. The tiger growls and scratches fiercely at the air as Frodo disappears from sight. The Unsullied chase after Flash and his toy tiger, when the ref announces a touchdown. And Frodo stands in the end zone, with his tiger, putting something back into his pocket.

Asmodoeus is angry. A turnover, his QB out, and a touchdown. This isn’t a great start. Goro catches the kick as Calvin sends one sailing, Goro’s tiger is safely in one hand, ball tucked in the other, as he begins to crash through the Guardians ranks. Until suddenly, after knocking past Frodo, Kirby stands there, welcoming Goro, and consumes him, then spits him out, growing an extra set of arms. The ball is down.

Batman comes in to run the offense again. Two Face is flipping his coin on the sideline, but he always forgets to catch it. Batman’s offense takes pieces out of the Guardians D. The dark elves can’t keep up with the caped crusader. They’re not picking up any kind of a pattern. They’re able to keep Batman busy, but the cowled hero gets his touchdown. Calvin kicks the extra point, and sends a punt back to the Guardians. Time is getting low in the 1^st quarter, when Predator catches the ball and disappears from sight. Goro jumps at the empty air. Spiderman fires at points hoping to catch the alien, when he turns up in the end zone. Goal Guardians. “Oh Dayum! You see that?! Bet you didn’t!” The redneck thinks his joke is funny. The 1^st quarter ends.

Darkseid kicks an extra point and boots a punt over, his own tiger tucked into his belt looks up and asks “Hey, why aren’t we taking over the universe right now? This is boring. Can we get to work on the anti-life equation?” The new god stops to discuss this rather interesting matter with the stuffed tiger as his punt lands with Spider Man. Who’s own tiger has started trying to bite him “Rawr! I’m Kraven the Hunter!” Spiderman webs the mouth shut of the tiger and takes the ball across the field. He’s stopped by Hong Kong Phooey at the 50 yard line. “What do you MEAN you’re Kraven? This is messed up. You didn’t even set off my spider sense!” He exclaims to the muted tiger. He pulls back the webbing to hear it laughing “oh c’mon that was a joke. You don’t joke much do you Pete?” Eyes wide, Spiderman webs the toy mouth shut again, and takes his place in the lineup. Batman takes the hike and connects to Han. Then again to D. Methodically making his way down the field. Before he gets stopped down at the 20 yard line. Superman was supposed to fly a cross route, but instead he ran it, with nobody open, the Caped Crusader was tackled while trying to protect the ball and his tiger. Calvin boots a kick and celebrates the point with his own tiger. Another kick sails to the Guardians, Flash catches it and checks the time, seeing only seconds left on the clock, he gets risky and cranks up the speed. Whipping past everyone but Superman who sees the play coming, but completely misses the tackle on Flash. The end zone dance is so fast, nobody can see it.

As the 1^st half ends. Kyle Broflovsky runs up to Calvin, “hey, giving everyone these tigers was really cool. Mine talks though, is that supposed to happen?” Calvin laughed “that just means you’re doing it right!” as he runs to the locker room. “This here game, is clearly the weirdest thing to happen all day ya’ll. Clearly.” The redneck is more baffled than normal.

As the teams leave the locker rooms, the Unsullied take the field against the Guardians crazy modes of play. Flash is now having normal conversation with his tiger, it helps him with the hikes while the Unsullied left theirs in the locker room. Noticing this, Calvin goes in and collects it. The Unsullied aren’t prepared for the opening play as Raiden extends his hands overhead and drops lightning down on the slave fighters. They fall to the ground, fried crispy, as Flash takes another ball across, letting his tiger spike the ball for him.

28-10, Asmodeus is furious. It’s only logical that this child knows something he doesn’t. Batman is relinquished of duty as Calvin is told to take over as quarterback. Batman sits glumly on the sideline, as his tiger looks up at him and asks “Why do we fall down Master Bruce?”

Calvin grins, and sets his tiger directly in front of him. He checks Spiderman & Goro, Han & Superman, D is prepped to go, when the hike takes place. The Bregan D’aerthe have been told to win, no matter what, so they tear towards the six year old with steel brandished. Suddenly, the toy tiger that was on the ground, has been replaced with a hulking dire tiger, and it is shredding through their line. As the Bregan move out of the way, to let the raging tiger get through, they see Calvin gripping its tail as it runs the boy to the endzone. Calvin hugs the toy tiger, nobody has ANY idea what the hell is going on. The Bregan D’Aerthe bring their tiger out on the field next time. They’re pretty excited now. Batman goes in to kick for Calvin on the extra point, and lets the kid know he did well.  On the kick, D corners the Cheshire Cat and drains its blood. Hong Kong Phooey delivers a flying kick to the vampire hunters head. The stretchers come to haul the cat and his tiger off the field (the tiger gets his own stretcher).  Kyle continues to talk with Calvin when the Guardians are on offense, the two becoming fast friends. Kyle’s tiger is named “Snappers” and it has wings. Nobody besides the boys can see this.

The Guardians look to extend their lead while the 3^rd quarter wraps up. Kyle Broflovski takes over for The Cheshire Cat, and Flash hits Smaug up high for a flyby that would have ended as a Touchdown had Han Solo not made a one in a million shot to down Smaug. Han’s tiger, to him, looks like a wookie/tiger combo and it keeps making Chewbacca noises in his ear. But thankfully his breath is better. Smaug ate his tiger, Calvin can’t go get it. Another couple plays with the Stainless Steel Rat in for Smaug, who, without a stretcher, is resting on the sidelines with White Mage attending to him. SSR hits an open hole with the Unsullied and slips in for a short touchdown run. He seems to high five his tiger in the end zone. It looks really awkward, and Calvin can tell, Slippery Jim is playing along, but he can’t really see it.

Calvin and the Ghost Peppers (great band name) line back up to stay in the game. Imhotep summons up a stand storm to let Calvin hand off to Goro, who pounds through the storm and emerges with points on the other side. “Aw, hell, no defense is no good anymore. Might as well let the tigers play it.” The Ghost Peppers are within 4, but the Guardians have the ball again. This time Calvin comes in as defense for the Ghost Peppers with his tiger. Both of them stand at the line of scrimmage, Calvin making growling noises as Flash takes the hike and takes a route, finding himself face to face with a Rakshasa. Calvin cackles. The Flash is carted off the field by a stretcher shortly thereafter, and White Mage gets to work on the sideline. Flash insists his tiger be healed also. The plays continue, Predator having only seen Calvin throw a tiger at Flash’s face, isn’t too worried, until he runs into the dire tiger from earlier and it pounces on him causing a loss of yardage. 3^rd and long, Kyle runs up to Calvin and sets his tiger down beside Calvin and asks that the game be stopped. Kyle then going into a monologue as the time outs are charge to the Guardians. Kyle goes on about age, and how so many of us are too busy to imagine anymore, and how everyone takes this game too seriously and nobody thinks anything negative about the crazy commissioner man who runs this whole fragging thing (Kyle’s mom wants to know where he learned that word). Calvin pats him on the back, and says “Thanks for understand man, but we have to finish this game.” Kyle nods picks up his tiger and runs back to his spot on the line. As the ball is hiked, Stainless Steel Rat makes eye contact with Kyle, who gives him a confident look, and nods “yes”. As Calvin and his Rakshasa charge, Stainless Steel Rat lobs a short pass to Kyle, whos tiger turns into a giant winged celestial tiger named “Snappers” and Calvin cheers as they fly into the end zone. And time runs out. "Some jewish boy just CAUGHT A RIDE, on a toy cat, and done flew into the end zone. I don't got nothing else to say folks." The commentator takes off his headset and walks out of the media room.

Asmodeus is furious. Kyle and Calvin are dancing with stuffed tigers in the end zone. The players look at each other in confusion, something happened here today. And nobody seems to understand it. The sidelines empty to locker rooms, as the Guardians take the Ghost Peppers 42-24. 

The Impalers impale, the Leviathans leave.

“We got 2 old school teams here, I didn’t go to school with them though. The Leviathuns are gonna kick ass and chew juicy fruit. Them Paalers are more of the thinkin kinda team. So I don’t know what they’ll do. WOO FOOTBALL!”

The teams meet midfield, the cloaked summoner from the Leviathans is quiet as Conquest speaks for him. Iroque comes up with Trunks who’s hair is purple at the moment, much to the chagrin of the brothers Winchester who know what the Saiyan is capable of. The coin goes up, and the Impalers will receive. “WOOO! We gonna see somebody die now!” The redneck commentator begins to shovel popcorn into his mouth.

Pinhead kicks, the ball sails high, but not far. Glenn Rhee takes the kickoff and heads up the field. He weaves deftly, keeping clear of Kratos, Venom and the Terminator as finally the horsemen Conquest and Famine corner him and he goes down at the Leviathans 40 yard line. Impalers offense takes the field.

Trunks, a new QB to the league, looks left and right, hits a quick handoff to the Grey Mouser who makes Glenn’s moves look like childsplay as he weaves through the Urak-hai. For a quick touchdown to start the game. Parallax “kicks”. However that works, and the Impalers prep to kickoff to the Levaithans.

Leviathans have Famine and Conquest linedup to take the kickoff. As the ball sails through the air Iroque glows a deep indigo and the field is flooded with compassion. Half of the players on the Leviathans collapse immediately, suddenly overwhelmed at the lives they’ve blindly taken over the decades. Venom, before SHIELD took him in, was guilty of so much killing. So much blood on his hands, all their hands. Famine and Conquest seem unaffected, they simply are what they are. There’s no reason to get worked up about lives lost. People starve daily. Victory sometimes requires someone to lose a life. They tear across the field on the Impalers. Conquest is in his element, riding down his opponent one after the other, until Parallax unhorses him and sends him flying several yards back. The Leviathans will take it from their 45 yard line. “WOOO! Did you see that? He’s like all *insert strange horse riding noise here* and then that there yellow guy was like ‘Nope’ and smack!  YEEHAW!” For some reason, this tickles the commentator to no end.

Larfleeze attempts to climb aboard the horse Conquest was knocked from. But it kicks him off as he shouts “MIIINNEE” and lands on his behind. He gathers his lantern and goes to the sideline as The Hand takes the field. Conquest and Famine are steel eyed. But they can tell their comrades have lost some of their fervor. Freddy looks like he might be dreaming himself, Pinhead doesn’t look ready to kill, Kratos doesn’t even has his blades out, Venom looks slightly emaciated, even the Terminator doesn’t have his normal angry look. The horsemen share a look, and know they’ll have to shoulder the load against these ninjas. The ball is hiked, the horsemen tear forth into the ninjas driving several yards before a chain is strung out and knocks both horsemen from their saddles. This won’t go easily, they glance to the Elder God beside them, the only one here who might be older than them. He nods silently. The ball is hiked, and the air on the opposing side of the line of scrimmage seems to shudder and shake as The Hand’s members fall to the ground stricken by some invisible force. The horsemen ride to the endzone without any resistance. The extra point is good and the game is tied. “Them Palers are gonna make the Leviathuns work for this one. No mass murdering today!”

The Impalers gather together for the kickoff, for some reason allowed the muted Deadpool to catch the ball in the backfield. The horsemen charge hard. Violator and Red Hulk hot on their tails. The Merc-without-a-mouth, holds back for 2 moments, then lunges forwards and his body is covered in fire as he begins to spin and fly forward tearing through the Leviathans for another quick score. Trunks hasn’t even got to work yet, and the score is 14-7 Impalers. Parallax kicks another time for the extra point, then again down the field to the Leviathans. Conquest and Famine gallop up the field until Trucks knocks Conquest out of his seat. Finally, getting to earn his keep.

Conquest readies his men. Tries to get them worked up as the 2^nd quarter begins. And they slowly begin to react a little. Terminator first, throwing a few elbows here and there as he drives his short passes into converted field goals. Not exactly his normal furious self, but better at least. The Leviathans get close enough for a kick and accept it. The clock is their friend here, they need to buy time so the witches blue light magic can weaken further. Pinhead kicks, showing a little more gusto. And Larfleeze catches the kickoff. John McClane, beside Larfleeze, shouts “I’m going to take that ball from you!” and begins to chase his own teammate. Larfleeze reacts as you’d expect by smacking him upside the head with a power battery. Making it easy for Famine to stop the Orange Lantern as he yells “MINE! MINE!” constantly. Back by where the Leviathans had started, Violator is seen laughing watching John McClane get up and wonder what hit him.

Trunks gets to finally take over the offense. Splitting passes between Gleen Rhee who takes big strides before the Urak-Hai get him out of bounds, and the Gray Mouser, who takes a moment to shiv them every once in a while. The Urak-Hai flood of orcs never ceases though. The head orc in the center grunts something different, Sam hears the different in the guttural language and yells out to Trunks. The Saiyan nods and drops back far as the orcs blitz hard, as the horde comes at him, he charges up and slams through them, an easy first down, on a charge that results in another touchdown for the Impalers.

Conquest speaks with his coach, the orcs simply aren’t effective. There’s a better option, and it needs to be exercised, and now. The summoner understands, and motions for Red Hulk to begin getting warmed up. Which results in him getting angry and very warm. The Impalers kick their extra point, and Conquest takes another ball to the 50 yard line with the kickoff. They need to score now to stay in this before halftime. Conquest begins a series of screen passes to Famine, getting Cthulhu involved as well, driving down the field for a touchdown and risky two point conversion as the half ends.

The redneck at the media table looks bored. “They said there’d be blood and guts. All I see is horseshit.”

The Leviathans exit the locker room looking less than delighted. Terminator finally looks right to wreck something. The horror flick stars and the symbiotes aren’t quite as excitable. The Impalers kick off to the Leviathans, Conquest catches the ball and rides forward, when suddenly he is struck from his horse by Venom. The ball goes loose at Violators feet, but he hesitates moving towards it, as he seems to be staring at Venom who is lashing about wildly with Cthulhu now. Trunks drops from the sky and sweeps up the ball, taking the fumble in for a touchdown. As Venom snaps out of his possession he strides over to Violator demanding an explanation. Violator pales, as much as a clown can, and looks at the emotional entity of fear hovering around midfield. If could Parallax could look smug, that’s what he’d look like. The emotional entity leave to prep for his extra point kick.

After another solid kick, the Leviathans find themselves down by 10. Conquest is angry. Violator is exhausted from having his mind ravaged by Parallax. Famine wants a cookie. But there’s still a game to play. Conquest and Famine get back out on the field, working Terminator and Cthulhu again Terminator finally lashing out and taking some ninjas out for extra yards needed for a first down. The Leviathans are winning the “time of possession” game here, and we’re not talking mental. But the Impalers turnaround is too fast. The drive ends in a touchdown, making it a 3 point game. But, the drives takes a lot of time off the board, and the 4^th quarter begins.

As the Impalers begin their drive, Harry Dresden makes a funny hand motion a the Red Hulk, who’s been much better than the previous orcs, or was, until he falls backwards incapacitated. John McClane runs a TD over the top of the Hulk.

The rogues gallery is finally up to snuff again. Terminator is locked and loaded. Baraka comes in to play Tight End for Freddy, who still isn’t up for slashing. And the kick goes up to the Leviathans. Conquest with the catch, and Baraka takes up his flank, opposing Famine. The Gray Mouser gets close, blades flash, and the Mouser stops, holding his arm. McClane tries to climb up the horse and takes a gauntleted fist to his face. Glenn Rhee tries for a heroic leap, and lands too close for comfort on Baraka. Conquests horse is finally called down, but medics come out for Glenn and the Mouser. McClane waves them off and says he’s fine, another broken nose, but he’s getting too old for this shit.

Sam can quickly deduce that the Indigo Lanterns light has lost its effect on Terminator and Baraka, and it likely never effected the horsemen. He glances to his brother, who shakes his head and leaves the arena. Conquest drives his team like a slaver up the middle of the field. The hand proving resistant, but not enough. Until suddenly, at the 10 yard line, the ball is hiked and the Hand is nowhere to be seen. An engine revs, and from behind Dean Winchester slams his car into Conquest and Famines horses, crippling them both. Conquest comes off the horse, ball in hand, and is thusly sacked. With minutes left to go, the Leviathans have to settle for a field goal.

The subsequent kick to the Impalers leaves the ball in McClane’s hands, who encounters a vapid Michael Myers and is taken down. Michael seems to have left his knife, and Conquest bans him to the bench. The Impalers offensive power is too much for the Urak-Hai, but they purposely drag their feet to run out the clock, with their last score. Impalers take it 28-42. Iroque is named MVP for the game. Conquest destroys the locker room in his rage.

Grail Knights consume the Lions

“Sheet, this arena is cray cray up in here wit dis game! The Lions been givin’ away Batman masks and capes!” The redneck commentator is running in circles wearing said mask and cowl. “SWORE TO ME! Hehehe, ITS GAME TIME!”

Tywin Lannister clad in burnished gold breastplate steps onto the field, unbidden, his son Tyrion follows to the coin toss. The subject of much ire last season, Lord Voldemort, joins them. The quarterback for the Lions. The Grail Knights send Lancer, who is a seasoned veteran of many seasons in the league. Kirei Kotomine, a dangerous magus walks alongside him. The toss goes up, the Grail Knights will receive.

Jamie Lannister lines up to kick, Iskandar and Wolverine as ready downfield for the catch. He runs forward, the ball goes up the game begins. Iskandar calls out to his mutant teammate, and takes the ball. Wolverine, claws ready, runs in front of him to guard. Avoiding the majority of the team, Iskandar falls into a spell trap placed by Hermione. Who is ever so pleased with herself and is already walking off the field. A small section of house elves cheers for the young wizardress. “Little lady brought her homeless friends, now ain’t that sweet? Grails Knights are taking the field! Time to watch the Kingsguard what they do!”

Lancer steps out. Another year, another season. He surrounded by familiar faces, Magneto, Blackbeard, that…cube thing, and of course Iskandar. Damn him. The boisterous idiot. Lancer takes the hike and sends a bomb downfield to Mr. Fantastic, for a huge gain. Lancer smirks, take another hike and preps another throw to Reed. As Reed “steps” downfield a Kingsguard member throws a shield at Reed’s catching hand, causing the ball to deflect back to the knight. He turns and get a few yards with the interception before Magneto slams him to the ground with his power.

Voldemort is delighted, this is a new positon for him. And his new coach is ENCOURAGING the type of killing he wants to do. He lines up under center and throws a screen pass to Gregor Clegane, who is promptly thrown off his feet by Killer Croc, who seems to be wearing earplugs. “Hell, I didn’t know crocs HAD ears!”  The next pass goes to Tyrell, who, sword drawn, slams into Killer Croc and bounces back off him. The gain is good enough for a first down. The drive continues. The dark wizard is surprised at how spry his muggle teammates are, and how voluptuous the one in red is, he sends a pass sailing to her as Killer Croc knocks her aside, intercepts and charges. The dark wizard throws a spell or two, stuns aren’t working, Clegane and Tyrell’s blades bounce off his skin. Lara can’t get a grip to use jujitsu, so Killer Croc steadily saunters in to score. With the Lions players still hacking at him trying to take him down. Killer Croc has done as Kirei told him. Take the ball back. Take it here. But not more instructions were given. The massive reptilian monster sees a familiar sight, he sees several. “What the hell is that lizard’s problem?” Killer Croc begins to thrash about, the batman cowls in the audience, are they mocking him? BATMAN. Loras and CJ are caught in the frenzy, Loras take a harsh swipe to his side, blow flows freely from his sundered breastplate. CJ, is picked up overhead, and slung into the audience, where they’re delighted to catch her. As Killer Croc climbs into the audience, everyone flees and cowls are left everywhere.

“Tyrion, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you were behind this shenanigan.” Tywin muttered coldly.
“Father, you wound me, would I play on the sensibilities of a murderous repile?” Tyrion retorts.
“Either way, it didn’t seem to go well for us, someone patch up Loras, he won’t be playing any more today.” Tywin commanded.

The Grail Knights kick the ball to the Lions. Lara Croft takes the kickoff and runs it back closing in on the endzone with only Wolverine between herself and it. Lara throws a wink at the berserker and his demeanor, for a moment, softens. Hearing Gregor behind her keeping her defended, he cups the cheek of the frozen mutant. “Man out of time, what kind of hidden treasure are you?” Wolverine is stunned “Listen dame, you don’t want to get close to me, anyone who does…” Lara ignore the monologue rolling the hand on his cheek down to his shoulder and leaping over the clawed mutant she returns the kickoff and runs back to her sideline while an enraged Wolverine finds out he was just had. “WWOOO! He got burned! Regen don’t work on no hurt pride!”

“That one, subversion, that was clever. She’s dangerous too. Not all your modifications were bad I guess.” Tywin observed.
“Why, was that a compliment?” Tyrion smirked back.
“No, you got lucky. The nursemaid in red is lost though. We have a game to win.” Tywin pulled his cloak in and moved to speak with the Kingsguard as the 2^nd quarter closed.

The Lions kick the ball back to the Grail Knights, who down it near their own 40 yard line. As the teams collide, Blackbeard makes his way towards Skywalker and throws him to the ground as the two collide. Wolverine smashes into Clegane as Magneto propels the two further down the field together.

The Grail Knights begin to do what they do best. With Wolverine and Magneto together again, and Lancer’s passing ability, there’s no stopping them as they score another easy touchdown. Another quick kickoff to the Lions puts them back to playing catchup. The Lions start using short passes to Croft, who has shown definite ability so far, until Croc gets by for a big sack on the dark wizard. The back and forth eats up the rest of the half, with the Lions settling for a field goal.

“Father, for a game we’ve never played before, we’re actually doing very well.” Tyrion attempted to calm his angry father in the locker room.

“No, we’re losing Tyrion. Loras is greviously injured, your bimbo is gone, and the Kingsguard can’t stop these fiends and whatever black magic they’re using against us. I’m going to have to put you and Jamie in if we lose another player.” Tywin threatened, as Jamie ran in with his hand a cauterized stump.
“Father! I’m wounded, oh god father my hand!”
Skywalker walked in behind him, lightsaber in hand. “He wanted to spar, I told him it was a bad idea with this sword, but he got all offended and just came at me. Thankfully, he won’t bleed out.”
Tywin and Tyrion share a look.

The 3^rd quarter begins. Skywalker and Bella Swan in place of the offensive players who are hurt or missing. Jamie is now on the bench with Sookie kicking. The Grail Knights set up to kick, Iron Man has been waiting patiently this entire game for one moment. It’ll happen, he just has to wait for it. The girl told him it’d work, but why does he believe her?  Sookie kicks, the ball flails awkwardly into the air as the Lions charge. Iskandar takes the ball and goes upfield as suddenly the words everyone has waited for is heard. “Avada Kedavra!” a blast of dark energy comes flying at Lancer who is coming up the sideline. Iron man knows he has seconds to react, a pocket on his side opens as a book pops out. He flies into the line of the spell, book held out, and the spell connects. Voldemort falls to the ground as the Diary of Tom Riddle turns to dust. Hermione on the sidelines turns and slyly winks at her house elf cheering section. The iron man suit has taken heavy damage, it goes to the locker room for repairs, Simba joins it.

Without Voldemort to lead them, Danerys is forced to lead the offense. She immediately summons her dragons to her aid, they swirl around and bathe Killer Croc in their breath attacks as he balls up to protect his eyes and belly. The smoke clears, and Danerys stands alone in the endzone. Casually, throwing the ball back to the ref. “I’m the true queen you know.” She quips as she sits down and the dragons join her. Killer Croc stands up, confused as to what has taken place, Kirei Kotomine is livid.

The Lions lead is short lived, as the Grail Knights shred their way up the field again. Lancer is untouched, 100% completion rate. The Kingsguard can’t get close against Magneto, and Wolverine has proven he can shuck them like oysters from a shell. The Lions run out of tricks when they possession comes up, and their offense has become as anemic as their defense. The 4^th quarter comes around, Blackbeard uses Skywalkers force power, which leads to a play read and subsequent turnover. Which the Grail Knights make into a touchdown. Iskandar showboats in his chariot, the Kingsguard can’t keep up. Another score. Another bad kick from Sookie. A buffed Simba emerges and throws the Kingsguard off their game even more. The 4^th quarter gets trivialized as the only interesting thing that happens is a new fetish is invented as the Gelatinous Cube consumes Sasha Grey. The Lannister Lions are routed by the experienced players of the Grail Knights, 42-17.

Inhumans vs Flippin Flying Frogs

“Now right here we got two new teams ain’t nobody ever heard of. The Flippin Flyin Frogs against the Inhumans, we’ll see if these newbies can handle the brutality we saw earlier today.”

The Frogs and Inhumans coaches meet up in the center of the field for the coin toss. Vash and Megaman give each other polite nods, they’ve been teammates before, no bad blood there. The Frogs will receive, the two quarterbacks shake hands using their cannon arms and they stroll back to their prospective sidelines. “If this here gits any more polite and lovey dovey, we’ll get a barbie doll to do the announcing. Yuck.”

Rocky Douglas Jr. places himself around the 15 yard line as the ball careens out of the air into his arms and then he turns on the speed. Kicker Spawn and his teammates are closing in fast as he is taken down on the 30 yard line with a decent gain.

The Frogs offense comes in, Megaman at the head. They seem to struggle finding their pace. They manage a couple first downs and end up on a 4^th & 8 on the opposing 45 yard line. Black Bolt comes in for the kick. Starsceam has done this before. He sweeps up the ball and transforms into a jet fighter screaming across the field. A burst of energy hits him in the underside and he lands hard at the 50 yard line, stopping just short of Megaman, who stands coolly, blowing the smoke off his cannon arm. “YEAH! Did ya’ll see that?! He was like ZZOOMM! And then he was like nuh huh, click-click, BOOM! And then it was like WWAAASSPPPHHH!”

Vash and Co. get a try now for the Inhumans. Drizzt takes the handoff and storms up the field, slicing down a Goomba or two before Bowser clocks him in the head with one. Easy first down. Thunderbird takes a leap and catches a long pass and Bowser is waiting upon his return to earth. But good for another first down. Vash takes another hike, the receivers go long, when suddenly along shadow is cast over Vash. A brief “uh oh” escapes his lips before Bowser lands on him. Vash gets up with an uneasy laugh “Nice to meet you too Mr. Bowser, sir.” The villain eyes his opponent team and blows fire. Drizzt gets a bright idea and takes the next handoff, blitzing right at Bowser, the angry king of the Koopas unleashes a furious fireball, as the spry dark elf runs through the flames unscathed, between the Kings open legs, and takes the open field for a touchdown. The redneck commentator whips out a guitar and begins to play “Through the Fire & Flames”

The Frogs have Rocky pick up another kickoff, this time the kid is ready for it. He pours it on, using agility the dark elf has only seen a few places to juke past him. Loki is arguing with Odin about animating the goal posts when Rocky runs past them and into the endzone. Easy points on the board for the Frogs as the 2^nd Quarter starts.

Another kickoff, Starscream relinquishes this one to Thunderbird, who takes careful measure of his opponents and considers challenging one in open combat, but he doesn’t find any of them worth of his might. So he continues to bide his time and tears across the field until Fred & Dino are able to corner and get him out of bounds. The Inhumans use Banshee’s flight ability to get a long gain, the next time though he’s knocked out of the air with a Goomba thrown from Bowser. A handoff to Drizzt while Thunderbird tumbles with Bowser results in another score for the Inhumans.

Another kickoff to Rocky, didn’t go as well this time as Starscream gets to the kid and there isn’t much he can do against a massive Decepticon. After some serious deliberation on the sideline, Peter Griffin comes in for Daggett, who we haven’t seem much of this game. He gets a handoff and runs right into bowser, staring up at the Koopa King, nostrils flaring, fire growing in his belly, Peter leaps into a knockdown drag-out fight with the Koopa King, and the two roll and tumble into the endzone. Peter stands up, injuries obvious, and immediately commences a song and dance about dragons, footall and maidens fair. The commentator accompanies on guitar, the refs do interpretative dance, no penalty call is made. Time runs out to halftime.

3^rd quarter, things get interesting. Vash asks to speak with the very nice Mr. Koopa King. During the conversation Vash begins to pace back and forth around Bowser, before he makes an all-out run as fast as he can into the end zone. His hair and coat are singed when he arrives back to his team.

Zach Morris gets involved on the next round of plays for the Frogs. He receives the kickoff and runs halfway up the field. Then he notices the music he’s heard all game from his friend Kvothe has stopped. A voice enters his head. “My son, your power is great, but you cannot give in to those who would see you hurt yourself. Turn and run away from the coming tide.” Zach sees Drizzt, Starscream, and Thunderbird bearing down on him, and jumps into his own end zone for a safety. On the sideline, Kvothe is seen sleeping, and Morpheus is wearing his mask, and holding his gem.

Megaman knows things aren’t going well, but with a Safety, he has to continue sitting on the bench and see what happens with the next possession. Vash takes the hike, steps back, and Banshee screams at the Goombas, disorienting them, and angering Bowser. Bowser knocks Banshee from the air as Starscream takes a pass and hits the endzone effortlessly.

Megaman looks to his teammates and nods. Bean steps into the offensive lineup and goes to tango with the barbarian Wulfgar. The two end up brawling while Dig Dug makes an opening to get Fred & Dino across the field for a touchdown. Wulfgar & Bean are ejected for unnecessary roughness. The 4^th Quarter starts. Frogs are still down. “These refs suck, that there as unnecessary awesomeness.”

Megaman takes the field with his offense. Buster cannon is charged, a steely look in his eyes. As the Inhumans let their new defense take the field. Flamethrower locked and loaded. Pyro stands alone and ready against the Frogs, liquid fire dripping from the nozzle. The ball is hiked. Flames spit everywhere. And just as quickly as they appeared, they’re extinguished. Black Bolt’s slightest sound shut down the flamethrower, and rendered Pryo unconscious. Black Bolt strides, silently and slowly across the field for a touchdown. The crowd goes wild.

The game on the line, the Inhumans step out Bowser and company hasn’t been giving all day, but maybe it’s time. Drizzt takes the handoff and runs at Bowser (who recalls fire doesn’t work on this guy), then, as if he was reading Bowser’s mind, Drizzt narrowly avoids every slash, smash, bash and forward B attack from Bowser. Before kicking him squarely in the eye and seemingly FLYING into the endzone. As Drizzt hits the ground he morphs into the Martian Manhunter. The Inhumans take another score. Spawn sends another through the goal posts as the Frogs rush to take the field. The new defense of a crazy old underground mage is not exactly what the Frogs expected. Zach reaches for his remote and stops time after taking the handoff and rushes to the mage and moves him 10 yards farther away. When suddenly he hears a “snap” about 10 yards past the line of scrimmage. He stops briefly, looking around, nobody is moving. What on earth was it? “AAWW SHEEETT! Here it comes!” The boy takes another step as his remote’s power fades and a pitfall trap opens underneath him. Halastar laughs. And the drive continues. Megaman pulls another trick from his book. Knowing the ground isn’t safe, Digdug makes an opening and Megaman rides Rushjet past Halastar into the endzone. However, as the kick sails, time runs out, and the Frogs lose by the 2 point safety. 37 Inhumans – 35 Frogs

Militants of the Mushroom Kingdom vs Cabot Cove Culprits

Gametime: High Noon

“It’s a beautiful day for a football game, and a SAD day to see Jessica Walters get her team decimated! Lets get right to the action folks! The Militants are angrier this year coming off their last season attempt to kill Voldemort. The Culprits MIGHT have been informed they’re playing football today. Lets see whats happening on the field.”

The teams meet on the field. Coaches and Quarterbacks to the referee for the coin toss. Rather than Sinestro as expected, the young runner Scout comes up alongside Jessica Fletcher with Sailor Moon and a cloaked figured. Jessica motions for a hold to the coin toss, and rushes to give Squirrel Girl a card and flowers. Some words are exchanged and Squirrel Girl looks awfully confused. But she’s polite and the flowers smell nice. Instead, Sinestro and Hal Jordan exchange a silent conversation in threatening constructs over their heads. The coin goes up, and the Militants choose, they will receive. Players go to sidelines and it’s go time.

Downfield, Clifford and Aang setup as kickoff returners, while Green Arrow runs forward and launches a football headed arrow into the air. Clifford goes up, catches the ball in his mouth, and charges forward. Dirt Dragons pop up from the ground and Clifford romps over the top of them. Nothing keeps the Big Red Dog from the endzone. He gets there and Aang flies up to scratch his ears. After an delay of game pentalty (to be added after the kickoff) from Clifford refusing to put down the ball, the Green Lantern goes to kick a field goal and it is batted away by a giant yellow flyswatter. The sideline commentator, a skinny redneck in a baseball cap laughs “Sinestro'll be pretty happy with that one there. Ow! No points for that lantern, at least the ball ain't yellow! WWOO HOOO!”

The Culprits get the ball back, and prepare for the kickoff Green Lantern runs up and points his ring at the ball, then kicks it with his foot normally a giant yellow gauntlet smacks him in the face, but not before the ball goes sailing. Hal picks himself up and runs along with Ned & the Others towards the kick returner. “HHAAAA!  You can tell that Sinesto didn’t see that coming. Turns out Hal can actually play a little foozeball, he don’t need no ring! This is gonna be FUN!”

The ball sails to Ethan Hunt who runs it up field for a slight gain. Finally offenses and defenses take the field as normal.

Scout lines up behind center and make the Foot Clan ninjas false start. “Two penalties before a down gets played, better step it up Militants!” Offensive plays go on the Foot Clan being commanded by Shredder holds fast and keeps the Culprits down. A 4^th down punt goes to Clifford, and this time the Big Red Dog uses his ground stomp to terrorize the tiny tremors. Another ball in the endzone “YYEEEHAWW! Point on DA BOARD! You see Aang catching a ride on that? Ain’t nobody got an answer to that dog!” Hal steps in to kick the extra point, Ironhide actually throws Sinestro into the air to block the extra point. “This rivalry could go on ALL DAY!” the commentator shouts.

2^nd Quarter, the graboids evolve into their larval form and on the first offensive play of the quarter a Sailor Moon handoff to Clifford, the Big Red gets past the line of scrimmage and romps towards the endzone. Suddenly, a graboid lurches from the ground and latches onto the dogs front leg. Blood and bone scatter into the audience. The graboid retreats underground and a very large stretcher is called for the injured hound. Avatar steps in for the Militants and the game continues. Sailor Moon, never really ready for the gruesome nature of this league, throws and undershoots KingKong (SOMEHOW) on the next play. Next play she hesitates, looks left, looks right, pump fake, puts on her pumps, does another pump fake, spins in a circle while summoning her power, and then is suddenly sucked into the ground by Graboid! 4^th and long, GL kicks off to the Cuprits. Scout himself positions himself to carry the ball and turns on the speed. Flying up the sideline with surprising speed and grace “AAWW SHIT! Somebody git that guy!” The redneck commentator yells excitedly. Showing a similar absurd amount of power, the diminutive Squirrel Girl launchers herself to tackle Scout taking the speedy youngster down at the Militants 40 yd line. Scout shambles back to the sideline seeming somewhat out of sorts. The next play is a long pass to Ironhide, the ball sails low and Shredder intercepts. The Foot Clan surround their leader and keep the Hunt and Tilford from making tackles. Samwise is too far to help. Marston can’t get an angle. Scout launches himself at the ninja boss and is helplessly deflected. “Scout sure ain’t seemed right since that Squirrel Girl hit. Reckon somethings got in his head. Jess better git him out of there.” As the Foot Clan see their leader safely to the endzone, Scout plunks down on a bench, looking defeated. Captain Kirk steps in for Scout as Quarterback, having all the leadership experience needed to win this game and sets up a run of offensive manuvers. Executing plays like it’s his Prime Directive, Kirk warps the Culprits into the endzone with a TD on the backs of Ironhide and Ethan Hunt. Green Arrow launches another ball arrow between the uprights for the first score of the game. The Militants haven’t hardly had time to plan their next attack, not having a better plan at the time, Green Lantern comes in as QB and Reptar begins to practice kicking. The drives goes nowhere, due to slight interference from Sinestro the referees don’t seem to notice. And Kirk lines up for one last play before the half ends. Ethan and Tilford nearby, Ironhide going up the left, but Samwise is munching on elvish crackers on the sidelines. The dimished foot clan gangs up on Ironhide, Tilford is covered, Marston is able to keep Kirk covered as he throws the ball into the endzone on a long bomb. Too far for Shredder or Foot Clan to get it. The Militants turn and head toward the locker room. Jessica Fletcher grins on the sideline.  Graboid bursts from the ground and catches the ball in its mouth, landing in the endzone as it’s death rattle escapes it and it’s life cycle ends as it splits into several shriekers. A knocked out Sailor Moon is also exposed, covered in blood and gore. The extra point is solid by Oliver Queen. And we have halftime. Militants 18 – Culprits 14

“Ey there commish! What you gotta say about this first game of the season?” The commentator shoves a microphone into the face of Major Commissioner. “Chicks got eaten, there was a limp dog, and a shitload of ninjas. Just like college!” The commentator turns to the camera “YYEAHH! You herd it here first kids! Back to you Johnny!” But there is nobody named Johnny.

The second half begins. Ned Stark and the others take over defense from the Shriekers on the sideline. Both teams have taken their share of hits and damage. Finally Sinestro is caught interfering from the sidelines with Green Lantern’s offense and is thrown out of the game. The ensuing penalty opens up serious offensive capability for the Militants. Ironhide suffers a malfunction and is sidelined and replaced with the Riddler. Riddlers ability to keep plays hidden matters very little with the Militants, as the diminished Foot Clan as been benched for the duo of White & Black Spy. Crash Bandicoot knocks out Ned & the Others allowing the Militants another TD. The Shriekers get reactivated just in time to evolve into Ass Blasters, as Shredder undergoes his own evolution into Super Shredder.

The 4^th Quarter is rough on both teams. Super Shredder replaces the spies for the Militants Defense, Kirk has no solid answer for him with Ironhide out, Samwise overpowered, and neither RB able to gain much ground against ninjas and Super Shredder. Marston takes the ball on a last ditch effort to weaken the Militants and knocks Atrocitus out of the air. The red lantern takes the hit directly to the face and falls hard onto Avatar, taking them both from the game. The offensive might of the Militants is reduced, keeping them scoreless in the 4^th quarter. Utilizing the tactical might of the Doctor on the sidelines, and a clever run by Ethan Hunt, the Culprits eke out 16 points between 2 touchdowns and conversions, but it isn’t enough to take down the Militants today.

Final Score, 32-30 Militants