Militants of the Mushroom Kingdom vs Cabot Cove Culprits

Gametime: High Noon

“It’s a beautiful day for a football game, and a SAD day to see Jessica Walters get her team decimated! Lets get right to the action folks! The Militants are angrier this year coming off their last season attempt to kill Voldemort. The Culprits MIGHT have been informed they’re playing football today. Lets see whats happening on the field.”

The teams meet on the field. Coaches and Quarterbacks to the referee for the coin toss. Rather than Sinestro as expected, the young runner Scout comes up alongside Jessica Fletcher with Sailor Moon and a cloaked figured. Jessica motions for a hold to the coin toss, and rushes to give Squirrel Girl a card and flowers. Some words are exchanged and Squirrel Girl looks awfully confused. But she’s polite and the flowers smell nice. Instead, Sinestro and Hal Jordan exchange a silent conversation in threatening constructs over their heads. The coin goes up, and the Militants choose, they will receive. Players go to sidelines and it’s go time.

Downfield, Clifford and Aang setup as kickoff returners, while Green Arrow runs forward and launches a football headed arrow into the air. Clifford goes up, catches the ball in his mouth, and charges forward. Dirt Dragons pop up from the ground and Clifford romps over the top of them. Nothing keeps the Big Red Dog from the endzone. He gets there and Aang flies up to scratch his ears. After an delay of game pentalty (to be added after the kickoff) from Clifford refusing to put down the ball, the Green Lantern goes to kick a field goal and it is batted away by a giant yellow flyswatter. The sideline commentator, a skinny redneck in a baseball cap laughs “Sinestro'll be pretty happy with that one there. Ow! No points for that lantern, at least the ball ain't yellow! WWOO HOOO!”

The Culprits get the ball back, and prepare for the kickoff Green Lantern runs up and points his ring at the ball, then kicks it with his foot normally a giant yellow gauntlet smacks him in the face, but not before the ball goes sailing. Hal picks himself up and runs along with Ned & the Others towards the kick returner. “HHAAAA!  You can tell that Sinesto didn’t see that coming. Turns out Hal can actually play a little foozeball, he don’t need no ring! This is gonna be FUN!”

The ball sails to Ethan Hunt who runs it up field for a slight gain. Finally offenses and defenses take the field as normal.

Scout lines up behind center and make the Foot Clan ninjas false start. “Two penalties before a down gets played, better step it up Militants!” Offensive plays go on the Foot Clan being commanded by Shredder holds fast and keeps the Culprits down. A 4^th down punt goes to Clifford, and this time the Big Red Dog uses his ground stomp to terrorize the tiny tremors. Another ball in the endzone “YYEEEHAWW! Point on DA BOARD! You see Aang catching a ride on that? Ain’t nobody got an answer to that dog!” Hal steps in to kick the extra point, Ironhide actually throws Sinestro into the air to block the extra point. “This rivalry could go on ALL DAY!” the commentator shouts.

2^nd Quarter, the graboids evolve into their larval form and on the first offensive play of the quarter a Sailor Moon handoff to Clifford, the Big Red gets past the line of scrimmage and romps towards the endzone. Suddenly, a graboid lurches from the ground and latches onto the dogs front leg. Blood and bone scatter into the audience. The graboid retreats underground and a very large stretcher is called for the injured hound. Avatar steps in for the Militants and the game continues. Sailor Moon, never really ready for the gruesome nature of this league, throws and undershoots KingKong (SOMEHOW) on the next play. Next play she hesitates, looks left, looks right, pump fake, puts on her pumps, does another pump fake, spins in a circle while summoning her power, and then is suddenly sucked into the ground by Graboid! 4^th and long, GL kicks off to the Cuprits. Scout himself positions himself to carry the ball and turns on the speed. Flying up the sideline with surprising speed and grace “AAWW SHIT! Somebody git that guy!” The redneck commentator yells excitedly. Showing a similar absurd amount of power, the diminutive Squirrel Girl launchers herself to tackle Scout taking the speedy youngster down at the Militants 40 yd line. Scout shambles back to the sideline seeming somewhat out of sorts. The next play is a long pass to Ironhide, the ball sails low and Shredder intercepts. The Foot Clan surround their leader and keep the Hunt and Tilford from making tackles. Samwise is too far to help. Marston can’t get an angle. Scout launches himself at the ninja boss and is helplessly deflected. “Scout sure ain’t seemed right since that Squirrel Girl hit. Reckon somethings got in his head. Jess better git him out of there.” As the Foot Clan see their leader safely to the endzone, Scout plunks down on a bench, looking defeated. Captain Kirk steps in for Scout as Quarterback, having all the leadership experience needed to win this game and sets up a run of offensive manuvers. Executing plays like it’s his Prime Directive, Kirk warps the Culprits into the endzone with a TD on the backs of Ironhide and Ethan Hunt. Green Arrow launches another ball arrow between the uprights for the first score of the game. The Militants haven’t hardly had time to plan their next attack, not having a better plan at the time, Green Lantern comes in as QB and Reptar begins to practice kicking. The drives goes nowhere, due to slight interference from Sinestro the referees don’t seem to notice. And Kirk lines up for one last play before the half ends. Ethan and Tilford nearby, Ironhide going up the left, but Samwise is munching on elvish crackers on the sidelines. The dimished foot clan gangs up on Ironhide, Tilford is covered, Marston is able to keep Kirk covered as he throws the ball into the endzone on a long bomb. Too far for Shredder or Foot Clan to get it. The Militants turn and head toward the locker room. Jessica Fletcher grins on the sideline.  Graboid bursts from the ground and catches the ball in its mouth, landing in the endzone as it’s death rattle escapes it and it’s life cycle ends as it splits into several shriekers. A knocked out Sailor Moon is also exposed, covered in blood and gore. The extra point is solid by Oliver Queen. And we have halftime. Militants 18 – Culprits 14

“Ey there commish! What you gotta say about this first game of the season?” The commentator shoves a microphone into the face of Major Commissioner. “Chicks got eaten, there was a limp dog, and a shitload of ninjas. Just like college!” The commentator turns to the camera “YYEAHH! You herd it here first kids! Back to you Johnny!” But there is nobody named Johnny.

The second half begins. Ned Stark and the others take over defense from the Shriekers on the sideline. Both teams have taken their share of hits and damage. Finally Sinestro is caught interfering from the sidelines with Green Lantern’s offense and is thrown out of the game. The ensuing penalty opens up serious offensive capability for the Militants. Ironhide suffers a malfunction and is sidelined and replaced with the Riddler. Riddlers ability to keep plays hidden matters very little with the Militants, as the diminished Foot Clan as been benched for the duo of White & Black Spy. Crash Bandicoot knocks out Ned & the Others allowing the Militants another TD. The Shriekers get reactivated just in time to evolve into Ass Blasters, as Shredder undergoes his own evolution into Super Shredder.

The 4^th Quarter is rough on both teams. Super Shredder replaces the spies for the Militants Defense, Kirk has no solid answer for him with Ironhide out, Samwise overpowered, and neither RB able to gain much ground against ninjas and Super Shredder. Marston takes the ball on a last ditch effort to weaken the Militants and knocks Atrocitus out of the air. The red lantern takes the hit directly to the face and falls hard onto Avatar, taking them both from the game. The offensive might of the Militants is reduced, keeping them scoreless in the 4^th quarter. Utilizing the tactical might of the Doctor on the sidelines, and a clever run by Ethan Hunt, the Culprits eke out 16 points between 2 touchdowns and conversions, but it isn’t enough to take down the Militants today.

Final Score, 32-30 Militants